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A must read...

Perhaps it's only funny if you know these folks....but damn....gotta love Kentucky!

http://fifer.blogspot.com/2005/06/mess-of-man.html

Things I've learned while working

OK, so working for the Broadmoor (rich bastards) has turned out to be rather educational.

First thing I've learned is that Jamaicans do NOT speak English...nor do they speak anything close to it. It is rather terrifying to have a large black man suddenly start speaking in tongues and then start laughing at you, probably because you have a 'what the fuck just came out of your mouth?' look on your face.

Secondly, that rich bastards are nothing more than children. They can not clean up after themselves, they WILL not clean up after themselves and they have a tendency to think we are there to serve only one function in this world and that is to clean up their shit and set up their party's. Except when Taffy, the Broadmoor dog is out and then all of a sudden, everyone wants to talk to the groundskeepers and pet the dog.

Geese are vile creatures. They shit everywhere....they're annoying and my job is to drive the dog around the lake so that she may chase the damn geese off the sidewalks.

Ten Hours goes by really quickly when your co-workers keep FINDING things for you to do.

I can drive the big dump truck.

Using the gas powered blower to 'clean' the fire place is not a good idea. ( I didn't do it, my 'supervisor' did and it wasn't a good idea then either.)

Waking up at 4 AM sucks!

Riding on the skid loader blade is mass amounts of funness!

Getting paid $8 an hour doesn't suck. Getting paid $12 and hour for the last two hours I work DEFINATELY doesn't suck.

The Geese will always suck, no matter how much they pay me.....

Why My Job Rocks

Today was my first day of orientation....

I learned all sorts of new things today...the first of which being that 6 AM is a VERY rude hour to be awake.

I also learned that at the Broadmoor, it is required to be the absolute epitome of 'perky', 'peppy', and happy. You've got to value the boy scouts to work at this joint.

Here's some other trivia....

Spec Penrose only built the current Hotel because General Palmer wouldn't let the drunk ass buy the Antlers. Penrose, being the pissy alchy he was, went off and built the bigger hotel.

Prohibition happened, no one could get alcohol....except Mr. Penrose who was the resident drunkard. The ass was so drunk that he actually hid some 10000 (TEN THOUSAND) bottles of alcohol in a vault on the property and then FORGOT where he hid it. Thirty some years later, someone finds the vault o'liquor and subsequent ten thousand bottles of scotch, wine, brandy, whiskey and anything else you could consume.

Spec lost an eye in a boating accident. To prevent people from truly knowing which eye was which, he had three made, each with varying shades of red eye...so that as he got progressively drunker and drunker, he could change them out....so that his eyes were appropriately bleary.

I get to drive a golf cart!

The lake is smaller now than it was at the beginning of the hotel.

Austin Powers was filmed here (You know, the one with the scene at the end with Powers and the chick in the hotel on the honey moon.) Yep, I'm working there....

I don't have to wear the uptight uniforms....No Tuxedo Pants, Tuxedo Shirts, Cuff Links, Bow Ties and heavy black poly-blend jackets for me...no sir. My happy ass gets to wear khaki pants and a pretty green polo shirt. Boo ya! My life so rocks....

Anyway, for eight bucks an hour...I'll do damn near anything....so I'll plaster that fake smile to my face and start now.

Good Evening, Welcome to the Broadmoor....I hope you're enjoying your stay...

You rich assed Mother Fuckers.

I got me a job bitches!

That's right....for the first time in my life I've got a paying job!

HELL FREAKIN' YEAH!

I may be 20.....but all I've ever done in my life is volunteer work.

Now I'll be working at the Broadmoor Hotel and Resort....where all the rich bastards go.

As A groundskeeper...

Keeping the Rich and Beautiful people of the world blissfully unaware of the scum of the world...

Answering Brainless questions...

Playing with the frontend loader or the skid loader (Be Afraid)....

Outside...

Getting a tan...

For Two Months....

For Eight Bucks an Hour....

Excuse me while I go do the happy dance....

Boo-Yah, Bitches!

:-D

Camping Trip from Hell

Let us start....at the beginning...

Every year my brother's boy scout troop goes on a camping trip to Mt. Princeton. However, they camp every month of the year, except August, so this trip is nothing special.

Except that families are allowed to go.

Now I happen to be family (unfortunately) and have gone on this trip every year for the past....five years now. Every year my brother and I go up early and stake out a camp site big enough for anywhere between 60 and 85 people. Yes, their troop, plus families, is just that big.

Four years ago we found a perfect field. Big enough for boys, parents, campers....and me. It was also big enough to pull the BYB (Big Yellow Bus) in to. Yes, troop Double Stupid owns a school bus.

Anyways....it is 2005. I have been home for nearly three weeks now. I am not wanting to be home no more. So I load My brother, his crap, my crap and off we drive to Mt. Princeton.

But when we get there...there are horsies in the field we usually camp in. Lots of horsies. Visions of 'ooh! look at the big doggie!' go running through my head when I call and tell my dad about the horsies and he wants me to see if we can 'share.'

Horse Shit.

So I'm pissed now because I have to do re-con for boy scouts. I am not amused.

So we go to teh spot we camped in the first time....trees...a nice drive way...not as much space as I'd like, but I'll manage. So after screeching at my brother for a few minutes, I set my tent up and crawl inside for a wonderful afternoon of relaxing.

It's six o'clock. I'm hungry. So I drive into town and get some eats...which happens to include peanut butter cup icecream. Bite me....

So I drive back and sit on my tailgate and eat my meal.

The first wave of critters arrives. I swear...Boy Scouts can smell food miles away.

Two women also walk up the road asking if they can catch a ride back to their camp site because they're lost.

I take them as a way to get away from the little shits and drive the ladies back to their campsite. My first good deed of the weekend.

WHen I return, my brother has allowed vermin scum to set their hovels up next to my tent. Let me tell you now, I am not amused.

So finally some of the older boys and my dad show up. Yay me. The rest of the vermin set their tents up next to mine. I'm not happy at all. The munchkins are put to bed, the big kids watch the fire, until it's out, and then we too, retire for the evening.

All is well.

All is most certainly NOT WELL!

I awaken...comfortable...warm...in my cacoon that is a sleeping bag, my hat pulled down over my eyes (yes, I sleep that way when I camp). There are voices outside my tent. They are speaking in tongues.

"Jedi Masters....blah blah Yoda blah blah blah....Sith Lords...blah blah blah....X-Wings......blah blah blah Teddy Bear People."

I may not be a Star Wars freak, but I know enough that 'teddy bear people' are actually Ewoks. (Fuck you, I liked the Ewok Movies.).

I open my eyes and come out of my sleeping bag. IT'S FREAKIN BRIGHT! I grumble and roll back over digging blind me for my cell phone since that's the official time piece.

Outside the tent: "Hey, there's somebody in there! Let's wake 'em up and see who it is!"

Inside my head: "WHAT THE FUCK! IT'S SIX O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE ASSHOLES?"

Outside the tent: "Shake the tent and wake them up!"

Me: "Shake this tent I break your arm!"

I can feel the instant forcefield emit itself around my tent. I have struck fear in their hearts.

I am not afraid to threaten the little shits....usually the game goes like this.

An older scout dares a younger scout (who doesn't know me or my gear) to go wake me up. "Just shake her tent and make sure she's functional...you know...she's a girl."
Said victim...I mean, younger scout, comes and shakes my tent at which point I start ranting and come out of the tent fully clothed and ready for the day. I ask the victim who sent them on this mission of death, at which the wide eyed youngster points a shaking hand towards the older scouts. WHo's eyes open, mouths drop and who start running for their lives as I come to kill them.

That is NOT going to happen this morning.

I lay in bed for a while and finally pry myself up. I go outside, I stare at the little munchkins running around playing Jedi in the woods.

There is no breakfast. The deal is I wake up, I get in line for a post butt-kicking breakfast. It's so damn early that the adults who cook aren't functional yet and are about as happy as I am.

This is not good.

So I whine, I cry, I go pee. Breakfast finally gets served.

My dad (scoutmaster, king of the idiots) tells munchkins that they will stay in bed until a decent hour. For if they wake up at the same hour the next day, they will have to learn to make coffee.

The morning goes by slowly. The scouts work on 'advancements' which means they are trying to grow up to be big boyscouts instead of little shits. My father corrals me into cutting up meat for lunch.

Antelope and Elk meat.

I like Meat.

So I now have big sharp object in hand and am cutting flesh. I am happy. I am helping. THis is my second good deed of the weekend. Actually, the third if you count my NOT killing boy scouts that morning.

After lunch we prepare for the annual trip to the hot springs.

I end up driving my brother and his friend Frank to the pool. Let's just say that every five minutes I was yelling "FRANK!" because they were being retards.

Hot springs are nice.

Pools + Boy Scouts = not nice.

Pools are just an excuse for chicken fights and dunking contests.

The game is on, even though there are rules against it.

Now let me explain how stupid boy scouts are.

"Hey let's dunk Renee!"

Hmm....I can hear you munchkin! Especially when you're right behind me!

Also, let's set the littlest kid on Renee....like THAT'S going to dunk her.

For everytime the try to dunk me, I dunk them three or four times. I am an excellent dunker.

It eventually takes ten of them to try to dunk me (and an older boy smart enough to go pull my legs out from under me after the ten of them were on me).

Dunk fight over. I declare myself the winner.

We drive home....again, every five minutes I am yelling at Frank.

We have a nice dinner....I am ready to explode but the food keeps coming. I am no longer eating, just watching.

Parents start going psycho.

One is pissed because my brother (who is technically an adult leader) isn't advancing his son. My brother calmly explains that he can't advance the young man because the 'camp gadget' the kid built is a peice of shit.

Another parent goes ape shit because it would seem the older scouts popped a $2 POS ball and her six year old is crying himself to sleep over it.

"Either they go, or I go!"

My dad wants to offer to help her pack....but restrains himself.

We have an evening fire.

~~~~~~side note~~~~~~

Two girls have been haunting the campsite. They are sisters of some of the scouts. They are (maybe) 15. The (older) boys are smitten. These girls are so stupid they don't know who the Yankees are. Nor does the one remember having some of the boys at her house. They are idiots and I refuse to associate with them.
~~~~~~~end of side note~~~~~~~

Camp fire....wood burns, smoke gets emitted. These idiots are cuddling with the boys because 'the smoke is getting in my eyes'. Gag me.

The boys are too dense to realize they are getting played, and I am laughing too hard to tell them.

My brother feels the need to do a hand check and only the boys understand.

My father and I decide that if there was a subtlety merit badge, none of these kids would get it.

Sunday morning the munchkins do not make noise prior to seven.

Gods and Goddesses be praised.

Everyone packs up. The boys hug the girls, I go ralph in the bushes....High School PDA....bleh.

My weekend camping affair is over.

Boys are, as always....inherently stupid.