The Kampus Kidnappers Strike Again!

Some of you may know, and some of you may not, the story of the Kampus Kidnappers.

Let's start where all good stories start....at the beginning.

Once upon a time the rugby returners took it into their heads to kidnap some unsuspecting rookie. The season had ended and we were bored....Dead week was nearly upon us.

So, without much thought it was decided to 'kidnap' a rookie. I was invited along. We started our plan out at three thirty in the afternoon. We cut letters out of magazines. Giving up on glue, we taped the notes together because it was quicker....three hours later we take a break to go to dinner....our work nearly complete. Needless to say those three hours probably could have been put to better use doing something constructive, like studying....but we're idiots...so kidnapping was the drug of choice.

So it's about seven o'clock, we have our clues ready. It's time to get the rookie. Now the plan is simple, lure rookie down to other rookies room, grab rookie, run like hell. The task of our accomplices (who were unlucky enough to be in the hallway at the time of our caper) was to give the rookie's roomie the first clue, outlining what the 'kampus kidnappers' had done and our demands. We nab Caitlin....unsuspecting rookie.

Yes, we duct taped her.

Then we piled all six of us into the Case Hall elevator. If you've ever been in there, it's scary, not too big and old. The elevator voice lady is very mean. Brownie is instructing our 'accomplices' on how to give mo the clue and holding hte door open. The elevator lady is telling us to get our asses on the elevator because she wants to close the door. We break the elevator. We are six scared college kids in a very tiny elevator with one duct taped, blindfolded rookie.

This is not good.

We eventually cary Caitling down the stairs after managing to get off the elevator and run out the front door of Case Hall. We make her take pictures beneath Daniel Boone and the Naked Man. We then take her to get something to eat at Blimpies and make her order her food still duct taped and partially blindfolded. It was OK though, one of our girls works Blimpies.

Mo calls Shitty asking what's going on, but Shitty sucks at lying so we have to 'kidnap' her too. We need to move Caitlin again, and Mo is really not cooperating. We can't check Caitlin in to a different dorm though because we don't have her ID. Plan two of our caper comes to phase when MJ goes to talk to Mo about what's going on and palms Caitlin's ID off the desk.

You've never seen something so funny as when Caitlin had to walk up the stairs of burnam with her knees duct taped together....you try it and do your best not to waddle.....it's hillarious.

So eventually we decide that since Mo isn't going to comply with our demands for sugar cookies and cheap soda, and she won't do the Macarena or hokey pokey in the plaza, we will just duct tape Caitlin and Shitty to the trees in the plaza.

Duct Tape is such a remarkable tool....and it's a good thing I'm addicted to the stuff or we'd never have had enough....

The returners, happy with our wonderful job of duct taping people to trees scamper for the bushes to watch Mo come rescue the girls. What makes this even better was that at this moment, a basketball or volleyball game let out and people are moving back towards their dorms....pretty much right past the two yahoo's blindfolded and duct taped to trees...who are singing dirty rugby songs to kill time. The returners find this amusing and are near pissing themselves with laughter.

Mo comes and eventually rescues the girls, we find it funny because we didn't initially tell her it was us, but played along to the idea that 'oh my gosh! those people are real?'

She knows better now.

Anyway, we decide that it was fun...that we must try again and that it will be rookie challenge....attempt two is made in teh spring.

Attempt two is a massive failure. Though we make the clues and have all the prerequisite accomplices in place, our target is too drunk to come out of her dorm and no one is thrilled with the idea of kidnapping a drunk named Squirrell.

It's December....it is deadweek.....we are ready for attempt three. We have the mind set that 'third time is the charm.'

We are the Kampus Kidnappers.

Brownie comes up with a plan, we come up with a target. Enter one Emilee Jello Curry. She's got something of mine, and I 'want it back'. So with very little effort on our part, our target falls into the trap.

We write up the clues we come up with a plan of attack and we gather the returners.

But Jello lives in the dorm on the far side of campus. How are we going to transport 92 lbs of kidnapped rugby rookie?

That's easy, you make the sexiest truck in the world the paddy wagon! So we empty my truck out and put blankets in the bed so we can stay warm. It's at this point that Miranda has taken it into her head to wear my bike helmet all night long.

While gathering blankets and other such materials (duct tape and camera of course) I'm informed that hte next time I paint the wall outside my room, I should use flavored paint. (Miranda informed me that 'snozberries taste like snozberries' and my wall is definately not snozzberry flavored.) We depart Clay hall, which is our base of operations....

The Red dot is our base of operations...the yellow is our target.

We send Team B to put out the clues (Miranda, still wearing the bike helmet, Shitty and Jenny) Team A proceeds to the target location. Team A consists of Caitlin (the original kidnapee), Lauren, Brownie, Beth, and Me (Driver). I go to get Jello but she's "got plans" with a rugby boy. We tell her she's got one phone call, and that's to tell him she's got rugby rookie stuff to do and that she's ours for the next two hours. We cuff her, duct tape her and throw her ass in the bed of my truck.

And I do mean 'throw'. So we go to the planetarium, because there's supposed to be a clue out there (there are 11 clues on our hunt). But no one in Team A has the clue. Team B insists that they do not have the clue....but they do....

Rule #1 of kidnapping...if you make the clues, make sure you go to put them out....because some people are dopes and can't figure it out.

We discover that Team B has fucked up the clues...sort of. They do have the planetarium clue....dopes.

We meet at the planetarium which is very close to the Criminal Justice Complex.

****Note to readers, this is all happening in the middle of the big Richmond Christmas Parade so traffic is a bitch.****

So we take Jello to the statue of the horse at the criminal justice complex becaus it's easier than taking her to the statues of the naked dude or Danial Boone on Campus.

How do you get Jello from one side of the street to the other when her legs are duct taped together?

You put Shitty to work, of course!

So we load Jello into the back of the truck again and head off towards Campus where we have yet to give the first clue to the rookies.

Now two or three of the rookies know about the kidnappings of the past....what they don't know is details. What we don't know when we hand them the clue is that they are prepared to video tape the whole damn thing.

Clue one tells them who we are, and that we have kidnapped Jello. It tells them to go to Daniel Boone. Now here's where fuck up one happens and we're not sure how.....instead of puttin Clue #2 on DB's foot...Team B put Clue #3 on the foot....rookies are only slightly confused but figure that head trauma has rendered the returners unable to count.

Right....

Clue #5, which is now Clue #4 because of a total FAILURE at putting clue number two where it was supposed to be, is that we require the rookies to freestyle dance to our pre-game cheer which is the song 'buttercup'. We want to be at the top of the ravine for this so I pull around. Just as I'm getting ready to go to the back parking lot, we see the rookies coming for the ravine. I go Mario Andretti on everyone's asses and do some quick driving through campus....not recomended if you've got four people in teh bed of your pick up truck and one of them can not 'hold on' to anythign....apparently it was a wild ride back there...sorry girls!

The blue dots are the clues...the green dot is the missed clue number three.....the red track is the race track I took to get back to the top of the ravine to witness the buttercup dance....the girls in the back were NOT happy.

The girls dance their dance and see the truck at the top of the ravine...once again I go indy car driver and make a quick get away.

Now they thought that that was their last task....there were no instructions for their next clue...just that they had to dance...we actually called them with Clue #6.

Once they got to clue six they were VERY pissed at us.

Yeah, we totally made them go from one side of campus to the other.

We are very proud however of the fact that they sang rugby songs along the entire path.

We know this only because we were sitting in the commuter lot to make sure they all stayed together as that was one of our rules.

We put Brownie in the car with Team B, whose driver is STILL wearing the bike helmet. We send them on a top priority secret mission which will from this moment out be known as Operation Hydration.

Once Team B reunites with Team A, Operation Hydration takes on super secret black ops status.

How do we get beer from point A to point b?

Our 'special' friend lends a helping hand.

I'm really hoping they didn't go through the drive through at Pally's.....puts a whole new meanign behind six pack abs though...

So the returners head down to the pitch and we are patiently awaiting the arrival of the rookie horde. They are not quiet, you can hear them coming. At the point we see them coming though, we realize that we have yet to tape jello to the uprights at the pitch! This is not good...so we make Jello run (we've relocated the tape on her legs by this point to ABOVE her knees so she can run) and Beth begins to tape her to the pole.

Miranda decides to try and help. Keep in mind we only have one roll of duct tape. And while Beth is going counter clockwise.....

Miranda went CLOCKWISE! They collided. While Miranda is comlaining that she thinks she might have broken her nose, Beth makes the profound statement of the night....

"You're the one wearing the helmet!"

We laugh. Suddenly, we realize the rookies will be at the goal posts any second so we hid in the shadows, open beers in hand.

It's at this point that Asha "Turbo" Green makes a bee-line down the hill of the pitch....and Caitlin says "She's gonna fall". Not two seconds later Asha is on the ground sliding about six feet and trying to get back up and run for all she's worth to little Jello. We are trying not to snort beer out our noses.

THe rookies are happy....they've found Jello....and proceed to untape her....top first. Her legs are not well supported though and she falls to the ground.

That's Jello on the ground....

So we congratualate the rookies on a job well done and Miranda makes a statement we won't soon forget.

"Hey guys, we need to be real quiet, cuz for one, we've got beer."

I don't know that there was a two.

Here's the map of the clues.....

It's at this point we realize that there is video of them on their hunt and we decide to go to Miranda and Jenny's to view it.

There was a lot of swearing at the camera (it's a very Blair Witch style production) and there were four moons out....(yes, they dropped trou right in front of Begley to moon the camera).

Miranda Jenny and Shitty explain why there was confusion with the clues and the numbers...

"You should never give stoners something importan to do."

But the best thing is that at the point Miranda utters her previous profound statement of the night, it's caught on video tape and all you see is her, in the bike helmet saying "Hey guys, we need to be real quiet cuz for one, we've got beer." She then utters profound statement of the evening number three....

"Because everyone should listen to the retard in the bike helmet."

Ah, yes....we are so smart.

We discovered a lot of things this night of nights....

1.) Our rookies are awesome.

2.) Miranda should never be allowed to drive with the bike helmet on (she tells us she 'had a seizure' outside Palmer while still behind the driver seat because a couple of freshmen were outside and she thought it would be funny to freak them out.')

3.) Never let stoners do anythign important.

4.) Make sure there's a video tape to capture the stupidity of the evening

5.)Jello likes to be duct taped, cuffed and thrown around (kinky!)

6.) A night out with friends in the Cold December air is priceless....no matter how stupid we all are.

Kampus Kidnap, Fall of '05---SUCCESS!