A Month of Misadventures to Catch up on

I know, I know, you've all been waiting not so very patiently for me to update this thing.....Life happens.

The last blog I posted starred Ali and me durring our whirlwind tour of Louisville Bars on her 21st Birthday.

Go figure, THIS week's blog is going to star Ali and I and our magical drinking tour......

or lack there of.

The next week we went to Hurricane's with the usual crowd of suspects (i.e. Rugby team) because old habits die hard.

The following weekend I drank myself stupid at Nash Bash because that was my goal and for once I got something I wanted.....well....sort of. Yes, after consuming an entire case of beer by myself I was feeling what we like to call "Damn Skippy" and ended up dancing with two different guys. Yes, I danced. Fuck off, I was drunk. I then returned to the hotel room, had a drunken conversation with a girl (I BARELY remember it) and then took a VERY drunk shower and came out to find that there was a boy in the room passed out in the other bed. What did I care? He wasn't in my bed and that's all that mattered. The next morning was interesting to say the least.

Anyway so the next week was our last night at Hurricane's as it was durring this next weekend that it was closed down. Go figure. The following week Renee was spazzing over a big presentation.

April 12th Ali and I have marked our calendars as the day we are going to go to a grown up bar in Richmond. No more Hurricane's. No more going out with the ruggers and the under aged kids and the people we know day in and day out. NEW BAR!

We set our sites on a target: The Whiskey.

We heard about this bar last fall and prayed it would stay open long enough for us to visit. Who could argue with $0.50 Whiskey shots and dollar drafts?

So the Whiskey it is. Ali and I hem and haw... and finally we get out to the bar. $10 all you can drink on Wednesday Night. We pay our ten dollars and take a seat at the bar where I start ordering beers and Ali orders up Whiskey and Cokes. I have one swig left in my cup when the bartender wanders by, snatches the cup out of my hand and fills it up and promptly returns it to me. I'm shocked. I'm used to having to wait twenty minutes to get a bar tenders attention to get my beer filled.

I'm liking this.

Ali has another whiskey and coke. Our buddy the bartender starts filling and I'm watching as there are at least two shots of whiskey sitting in the plastic cup and he's just now stopping his pour. He looks at Ali and says, "you're not driving, are you?" To which Ali in her most genteel manner says "Fuck no." It is at this point that our buddy the bar tender is working his way up to superman status when he pours MORE whiskey into Ali's already very liquored cup. Ali consumes her very very very strong whiskey and coke and Bartender Hero tells me to kill my beer so he can get me another.

I'm liking the service.

Nix that. I'M LOVING the service.

At one point Bartender boy goes off to the far side to take care of some patrons. WHen he returns he nearly sucks all the oxygen out of the bar when he gasped at the sight of my very empty cup sitting on the bar. He snatches it away and gets me more.

Bartender Boy is my best friend and forbids me from having an empty glass.

At the end of the night we discover Bartender Boy's name is Chip and his trusty side kick is Brad and they are now are most favorite bartenders in all of Richmond.

Ali and I LOVE grown up bars.

Being 21 kicks major league ass.

The following night I go out with some of the REC girls to the bar next door called The Paddy Wagon. Paddy Wagon's is the local Irish Pub. Now Ali and I walk downtown so when I went to meet the REC girls, I walked as well. My Buddy Chip was standing outside teh whiskey on his break and saw me.

"Hey! You gonna come in tonight?"
"No, actually my friends picked another bar tonight...but Ali and I will definately be back next week."
"Awesome...see you next week!"

He remembers me! Coolness.

Paddy Wagons Sucks. The service sucked, the music sucked and even though they have Schmitwicks beer (remember St. Paddy's day?) I am not willing to wait twenty mintues for the bar wench to forget then remember my order to bring it to me.

Wednesday cannot come quick enough.

So the following Wednesday Ali and I return to what is quickly becoming our favorite haunt in Richmond. We take up a seat on the opposite side of the bar.

Let the Alcohol consumption begin.

Once again, Ali does whiskey and cokes, I do beers. Once again, Chip and Brad are not going to let us have empty cups on the bar. Chip 'flirts' with us by throwing ice at us across the bar.

I decide that I like looking at Chip when I drink. He's cute, but he's also entertaining....he's destined for good things if he sticks with the bartending thing because he's got charisma, style, good looks and customer service.

Ali and I get asked to dance by the brother of one of our mutual friends and his friend. THe friend informs me that he is VERY DRUNK. I tell him that's fine cuz I am too!

Ali and I walk a slightly less straight line home and decide that Whiskey Wednesday is the shiznit.

Saturday I get a rude awakening when I want to go to the bar and my partner in crime is off on an AKPSycho retreat. I go to the whiskey. I like the service, and they're beginning to know Ali and I pretty well, so I'd feel safe going there by myself.

Except the door is locked.

WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT KIND OF BAR CLOSES ON SATURDAY NIGHT?

Our worst nightmare is realized as the Whiskey has changed owners and is undergoing a massive renovation and won't be re-opened for another two weeks.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I convince my friend Jackie (my hero) to go to the bar with me and she takes me to T-Bombs. This is new for me and much more crowded than the whiskey. Jackie is my hero because she has a sex life, and I don't. Don't get me wrong.....Jackie is WONDERFUL and so totally not a slut at all.....but she can get sex at the drop of a hat. And me....well...I'm going on a year long drought here.

Guys stop, say 'hi' to Jackie and there are really only two responses I hear from her in explanation of who they are after they leave....OK, maybe three.....

1.) "We went to High School Together."

2.) "Him? Yeah...we totally made out."

3.) "Him? Oh Yeah...totally had sex with him......yeah...."

THREE TIMES I got answer number three and THREE TIMES I had my beliefs in her hero status reaffirmed.

Now, I have a military ID because I'm a brat and cool like that. Pepole look at a military ID a little less closely than they do at my vertical Colorado Drivers License because no one can seem to get past the fact that my DOB is right on the top of the damn thing. I flash the military ID at T-bombs and the guys says "whoa, I haven't seen a whole one of these in like, forever." This worries me that people are running aroudn w/ half Military ID's....not good.

It is Wednesday and it is bar time again. I decide I am going to take Ali to T-Bombs.

Ali and I are accompanied by two guys...a friend of hers named Adam and his friend "Cow Boy".
Adam and Cowboy are late because they were pregaming. Ali tells them to hurry and gets the response back "we'll be there in 12 minutes." Ali tells them that's forever. Not five minutes after meeting them, Adam says "i'm glad to know 12 minutes is a long time." the first thought I have run through my head says 'well, that doesn't bode well for your sex life, now does it.' FOrtunately I have the ability to stop the message from exiting my mouth.

We also discover that these guys are a bunch of winners. Adam mentions he's got about 8 PI's and a court date on the third. We figure we better lose them at the bar and not walk home with them as RPD has a tendency to profile male college kids and not the girls.

Ali and I walk in. I hand the bouncer my military ID again. He takes one look at the front and says "I remember you, go on ahead." Didn't even CHECK to make sure the damn thing was whole.

Ali does $.50 Whiskey and cokes and I drink beer. I'm a beer girl, can't help it.

Adam and Cowboy wander away in search of pool tables.

Ali and I are hanging out with Jackie. She works at Outback and apparently when Outback closed, they all came to the T=bombs.

One of her friends (who has a girlfriend I might add) looks at me at one point (he and Jackie and Ali had been having a conversation) and says "You need to show more cleavage!"

Thank you very much, but I prefer it when boys talk to my face and not to my tits.

However this comment was not triggered by what I wore it was more a basis on their subject of conversation 'how do we find a decent guy in Richmond?'

Adam and Cowboy had disappeared and recently reappear to tell us to come play doubles pool with them. It takes forever for us to get a table but we finally do. Now, for some unknown, Adam took it into his head that winner buys the next round of beer. We tell him he done fucked up in his last round and that shit won't roll with us because everyone knows that LOSER buys next round.

Adam plays some black guy for the table and wins.

Cowboy disappears and Ali plays with Adam and I play with Jackie. Now the bet is between Adam and I on the 'loser buys' deal.

Adam is a cocky mother fucker. He mentions to me how he had a pool table at his house and he could clean up at pool cuz he used to be so damn good.

Jackie and I kick his ass.

Adam must buy beer.

SUCKER!

So Adam runs off to get us beer and ali and I end up playing two other guys in a round of pool.

Pool Playing Dude: "Dude, I have like, no attention span for this. 10 minutes and I'm done."

Once again I refrain from word vomit and don't make a correlation between this and his sex life.

Adam returns with a pitcher, but no glass for Jackie since she'd been drinking bottled beer. He tries to make Jackie drink from the pitcher. Jackie doesn't think so. Ali and I decide it is DEFINATELY time to lose Adam and Cowboy.

I need to pee and yes, you did need to know that. So I go to the outside loo which has no line. THe black dude from earlier walks up behind me and says "Girl, you got a mean walk." I am apologetic. I don't mean to look mean...I just have an attitude and when I drink, it gets worse.
"No no no....your walk is raw...it's cool...." I must have given him the look that says "I do not think we're speaking the same language here bucko." He says "Let me start again...your walk is sexy...it's good and strong..." I thank him and the gods that the girl in the pisser finally exits and gives me a way of escape.

Jackie reaffirms her hero status once again. This time by turning to me everytime she says 'hi' to a guy and saying just one word "no." WIthout any prompting or asking on my part, just one word "no" and I was in hysterics because it was just too damn funny.

I love Jackie....and when I grow up, I'm going to be just like her!

We have successfully lost Cowboy and Adam. The Gods smile upon us.

I return inside and retrieve my beer and jacket. Jackie chases some hottie she's been watching all night and drooling over. Ali goes to the bar to get another drink or something. I am left alone on my spot onthe wall when the single worst pick up line EVER gets uttered and there's NO ONE around to hear it. There are two guys next to me and one turns and says right to my face....

"You have the most beautiful blue eyes."

Nothing wrong with that, right?

Except that I DON'T HAVE BLUE EYES!

I inform him of this fact.

"What color are they then? YOu have beautiful eyes."
"THey're hazel."
"Well blue and green, makes hazel!"
"No, brown and green make hazel..."

I end up talking to drunk boy for a while. 1.) I felt sorry for the poor shit... 2.) He kind of has me blocked to a wall 3.) for a drunk kid he's carrying on a fairly decent conversation and I want to see how long this is gonna last.

Not long.

I discover 'cogent conversation' is on a loop and is going round and round and round and coming out his mouth over and over and over.

His buddy prowls back and forth behind him. I mention the pacing friend.

"Oh, he's just trying to make sure......well.....I've kind of had problems with stalking other girls b efore."

Instant 911 action happening.

Brian, I know you read this....this goes ahead of your 'things not to say to a girl....EVER' list....This is definately ahead of "it's nice to find a girl who won't press charges".

Anyway so we walk quickly back to campus and watch as two police cars pull over a group of people who left the bar just ahead of us. Two guys and I think two girls and totally ignored Ali and I. Remember what I said about RPD profiling? Proof positive.......

Anyway, so that has been my life. Just figured I had to share the worst pick up lines ever.....because in a three hour time span there were far too many.

Hasta and have a good dead week!