A Kind Word to All You Newbies Out There!
Well, another school year has started and darn it all if there aren't a ton of those wide eyed losers we all love to call "Freshmen" running amok.
Now really, there is nothing wrong with being a freshmeat, I mean.....freshman. Honestly, it gives us some entertainment for a few weeks as that wonderful lightbulb goes off above your head proclaiming that it has just dawned on you that you are no longer the top of the totem pole, the big fish in the pond, and that this is most definately NOT like High School.
But you see, I'm going to give some helpful handy dandy advice to all you Newbies out there and tell you the lay of it.
1.) If it is your first year here, do not bitch about how bad this place sucks. You haven't even survived a full week here yet. Be patient my children.
2.) If you are an upperclassman, go ahead...bitch about how bad this place sucks. Feel free to talk about the "good old days" when Hurricane's was open. Just think, these poor kids coming in here now don't know how GOOD this place used to be. At least we had somewhere 'bumpin'' to go on Thursday Nights.
Who am I trying to kid? We used to bitch when that place WAS open. Now we should just laugh at these poor losers who are forced to stay on campus.
3.) Just because you've been coming to school here for a year, doesn't make you 'big fish'. You are still a newbie, and to an old fart like me, you are and always will be, Freshmen.
4.) Let me break it down for you. You just moved into a dorm where upperclassmen live. It is no longer "All new People". There are people living in your dorm who have been around the block. Do not tease and taunt them. Like the lion who has lived at the zoo for the past ten years, I will bite that mother fucking hand off the next time it comes through the cage, do you understand me?
Point of paliamentary procedure---Do NOT ride the elevator from the first floor to the third floor you skinny assed bitch. March your self up the stairs. It's only five flights. I have to go up to nine. Do not make me bitch slap you and your oversized coke.
YOu can totally tell these kids are abusing the elevator priveleges...they ride the elevator from the tenth floor to the seventh. It's absolutely ridiculous. Don't they know that there are dorms on this campus suffering without elevators? Don't they know how good they have it?
Don't they know that the old broad living up on nine really has to pee and that the longer you make her wait on your two floor elevator excursion, the more pissed off she gets?
So yes, the newbies have already pissed me off in their lack of respect for the laws of the elevator. Kiss my ass, it should be common sense!
Oh, and if someone says "could you please press 'eight' for me?" do it. Do not continue on with your conversation and pretend it didn't happen. Do not block the buttons from others and pretend they are destroying your conversation time. Take a brief pause and push the damn button!
5.) This is also a helpful hint to all of campus. Do not wear sports shorts to class. I have no need to see your ass cheeks at nine AM. I do not want to see your fat rolls hanging over the waist band of impossibly small shorts and I do not need to admire your stunningly fake tan. SKin is not in so much that you must go to class nearly naked.
6.) Just an FYI. It is physically impossible for two people to occupy the same space in time. That means it is against the laws of physics, biology, thermodynamics, astrology and the powers that be.
Cough:::COugh:::Amy and Tyler:::cough cough::::
So concludes my helpful hints for this upcoming year.
I'm gonna go see if there's anythign on TV that will cure my horrible case of Senioritis.
Laterz, y'all!
----The crazy old bitch from Nine, in the Clayboy Mansion. Here's to hoping for another dry year!
posted by Rebelrugger @ 6:08 PM
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