Outgoing Thoughts

Well, I'm not sure anybody reads this drivel anymore....I don't really care. I love Crayons Taste good and will continue to rant as I see fit. To hell and be damned if no one reads...I mean, obviously no one likes my sense of humor.

Anyway, onto the blog.

Six days from the time this gets published, I will be a college graduate. What? Me? Graduate? yes, I've only been saying this for about a year now, but no one seems to listen to me when I talk....and people wonder why I blog.....

So anyway, I figure I've been at the college game long enough, it's time to pass on some sagely advice to all you youngun's out there.




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Alright, so here's the skivvy. Incoming freshmen have the sense of a ceramic garden gnome...and I'm NOT talking about the Roamin' Gnome from Travelocity. I'm talking about the idjits that sit in people's gardens and don't move for centuries.

Let me put it like this, these kids are D-U-M Dumb and it's painful to watch. I know I was never that stupid. Some of my friends maybe but...oh who am I kidding...we all had our moments but these kids seem to be in a 24/7 Moment while at school.

It's my professional opinion, as a soon-to-be college graduate, that all in coming freshmen should have to take some courses before being allowed to run amok with us big fish in the pond. Honestly, if all freshmen were forced to take these classes BEFORE their time as college freshmeat started, then the upperclassmen would be happier and then college campuses would be much happier places!

So here's my suggestions for Pre-Frosh courses all colleges should require students to take.


PDA 100

Yes, we all know from my past rantings that I have a serious issue with PDA. PDA is defined as any display of affection in the presence of another person. Congratulations, you came to college with baggage. Now remove your tongue from her throat and move into your dorm on your own. Seriously, PDA on campus is driving me to homicide. I seriously want to kill anyone I see commiting this heinous crime. I really don't need to see you orally raping your girl friend before class, after class or when she leaves your dorm at night. I live here too dammit! There are lots of other reasons you shouldn't make out in public besides the gross out factor. For example, if you make out with a guy in public because you thought he was hot, but you were wearing beer goggles, you have no excuse. EVERYONE saw you do it. There's no escaping it. Now, if you did it in private and someone asked you what happened last night, you can lie your pretty little face off and you don't have to admit you pulled a coyote ugly that morning. See, four years of college has given me this knowledge. You should listen! Another reason you shouldn't commit PDA is that if everyone sees you do it, other people are not going to want to go after you. You might be gorgeous...top model material and all that. But if you make out in public, you might also be branded easy. And let's just say someone isn't going to go down the same path I do. Let's just say they're nice. If they see you making out in public with a guy, they might assume it's your boy friend....and then they might quit chasing you. You'd lose your shot with a decent guy because you're a whore and can't keep your lips off of people. You'll also have every other girl at the party hating your guts because your slime is all over the lips of six guys at the party that you shared lip lock with...and, honestly, who wants your cooties?

PDA 100 would not just be about how rude Public Displays of affection are, but about how to NOT have a relationship in college that you've had in high school. Yes, I know some of you are SOUL mates that just happened to go to the same high school. But my theory is, if you are soul mates, and it's 'meant to be' then you will still be meant to be in a year. Take a break! meet new people! You have your WHOLE LIVES to be married. Don't do it in college.

ICPU 100

Improper Cell Phone Usage. It really iritates me. I can't help it, but I REALLY don't care about your meaningless life enough to be involved in your cell phone conversation. There are long lists of places I think cell phones should be banned from.

CLASS ROOMS--- If you are on call as an emergency medical care giver, a volunteer fire fighter, a Navy Seal, or a Power Ranger, then you are exempt from this. However, no one else is important enough to need or have a cell phone in the classroom. Really now, anyone needing to call you during class is just going to have to leave a message anyway. And if you live on campus, you leave your class, you go to your room, and then you can check your messages. It's just going to have to wait. Not only is it rude to disrupt a professor, it's rude to the other students in the room. We're paying for our education too, so put a lid on it.

BATHROOMS--- Yes, people do use cellphones in the bathroom. I've been on the pisser many a time and had someone come in to carry out a conversation. The worst ones are when the person commiting the crime is obviously passionate about what they're talking about and starts yelling at the other person. Really now, other people have shy kidneys and can't pee when you're hollering about your damn cell phone bill and how many hundreds of dollars of overages you have. If you have to pee so bad, tell the other party that you'll call them back, remove the phone from your ear, and go pee. Otherwise, I'm going to shove it so far up your ass it will take you a week before you're able to have another ICPU incident.

CAFETERIAS--- When I'm standing in line waiting to get my grub on I really don't need you to be in front of me with your phone. You can not multi-task so quit trying. Again, I don't need to hear your fifteen minute ritual of 'no i love you, more' while I'm trying to get my dinner. Really, that's border line PDA and no, I don't have to like it.

LIBRARIES--- Hang it up. This is a sacred place of knowledge. You wouldn't bring a phone to church...oh wait...yes you would.

EE 100, 101, 102

Anyone at an engineering school is saying "Double E? We already take that!" Oh no you don't my friends. At your school, Double E may stand for Electrical Engineering, but in my perfect universe, Double E is "Elevator Eticquette." Why are there multiple levels of Double E? Because this is my perfect universe and there's nothing you girlie men can do to stop me.

:::insert evil laugh here:::


Level 100 would consist of things such as when it's appropriate to use an elevator. For example, it is acceptable to use the elevator on move in day regardless of what floor you live on. However, after move in day, your anytime pass is defunct. It turns off. You get one more chance to ride the elevator and that, my friends, is the ride during which you get to determine if it is OK for you to set foot on that elevator ever again.

I want you to look at the panel of the elevator. If the building has four floors or less I want you to forget that building even has an elevator. Nope...that elevator no longer exists. Obesity is a huge problem in our nation. Get your fat, lazy ass up the stairs and cut back on this problem.

If your building has any more than four floors I seriously want you to consider what I have to say. If you are able bodied, use the stairs. Within reason. You probably don't want to have to change shirts every time you go to your dorm because you just busted your ass going to your room. Look at the elevator display and divide the number of floors by two. If you live in the top half of those numbers you get to ride the elevator. If you live in the bottom half of the display, you get to walk. Enjoy your nice new thighs and ass. Seriously, if you live in a ten story building and live on the third floor do NOT take the elevator. It's not going to kill you.

EE 100 will also go over such simple things as pushing the button of the floor desired by other patrons if you're the first one on, not carrying on conversations on the cell phone, and not spitting on the floor.

EE 101 gets a little more involved. In 101, we'll discuss more times when you probably shouldn't ride the elevator. If you're going from floor to floor (espeically down) don't ride the elevator. Now if you're going from two to ten, I might excuse you. But don't ride from Ten to eight. Use the stairs. I figure, anything greater than five floors you can use the elevator. Two floors is straight out.

Placement---yes, there are specific ways to stand in an elevator. If you're the first one on, stand in teh back corner on the side of the buttons. That way, if someone else gets on, they have free room to get to the buttons and have their choice of the two opposit corners to stand in, though, they should opt for the back corner opposite you. This leaves the middle and the front corner of the elevator open to more patrons. If you board the elevator with a friend, stand beside them, do not take up the opposite corners of the elevator and then have a conversation over the heads of other patrons. Do not stand close to the buttons and then flinch every time someone goes to push a button for a floor. You are not the elevator keepr, move.

103 would discuss such higher level things such as what to do if the elevator is full, how to load crap into the elevator and proper exit procedures. Did you know you're supposed to follow reverse order? First one on the elevator, last one off. Don't try to force your way off from the back...just wait. 103 also discusses what to do should you and your flavor of the week get on together. Personally, I think you should act like complete strangers in teh elevator, but that's just me. If you must acknowledge one another, speak softly, but not softly enough to sound intimate. I don't want to feel like the fly on the wall in your pillow talk session. Do not touch and under no unccertain terms are you to kiss. PDA in an elevator is the worst thing one human being can do to another. Honestly, you're trapped in a box with several other people. Two of them are making out in the elevator and the slurping sounds of their tonsil hockey match are echoing off the stainless steel walls. Do you want to see someone go postal? Because in that situation I will.

So you see, really, if every freshman had to take these courses, college would be a better place, wouldn't it?

And hey, these aren't just rules for colleges, these should be common sense laws for life. I mean, if you pass these courses you should get a card or something, like a driver's license. That way when you're caught commiting a violation of one of these acts, you can get it punched. 6 punches and you get to go to remedial school and learn all over again (and by 'learn all over again' I do mean you'll have the shit beat out of you until you get it).

And why stop at EE, PDA and ICPU? I have more rules for society.

The "You spawn 'em, you haul 'em" rule. If you have children, carry them. I will eliminate the need for Hummer strollers. There is no reason for you to have a stroller in a crowded mall. God gave you two arms to carry that baby so use them. Pre-historic women carried their babies into the fields and worked with them. Hell, women in third world countries do that now. They did not have the super deluxe mondo hummer stroller with DVD player, Air soft seats, leather upholstery, cupholder, matching tupperware for Jr's snacks and shocks. Their children came out alright; some of them even did some pretty neat things. Look out how spoiled our kids are now though...and how fat. If we got them walking earlier and let them walk, I bet we could lower childhood obesity. We'd also lower the birth rate. REally, who's going to have one of those Eight-kids-under-the-age-of-four-Oprah-feel-good families when the parents have to carry them.? I'm pretty sure that's a no one.

What about the rule that says you can't spawn unless you pass an IQ test? I'm sort of fond of that one.

Well, I'm sure I have more rules for the world, but I'm going to go ponder greater things, such as why I have no chocolate in my room.

Just think, three and a half years at college and this is the gift I give to thee world.

My Mother must be so proud.