A Male Review Review

Alright, I know I've been remiss in my blogging duties. Bite me. Trying to get my feet underneath me with the whole Grad Assistant thing has been a little daunting. I'm a college graduate now, I can use words like 'daunting'.

The other night, Richmond Kentucky was graced with the presence of Chippendale's Dancers. Or, as the case may be "Chip and Dale's Dancers" since in Kentuckese, there is no difference.

Now, as we all know from the Vegas post, I have seen another all male review. I'm not as much of a prude as everyone thinks I am. In the immortal words of the Jeller, "I like the weiner!"

Anyway, having seen two different male reviews, by two different companies, I feel it is my civic duty to review this tantalizing form of entertainment.

Thunder From Down Under

This is a Las Vegas show done at the Excalibur Hotel. It was also my first male review. Therefore, it will always hold a special place in my heart.

They did several dance numbers and went for almost two hours straight. The first dancer was dressed as a sort of mexican badass musician. You know, mariachi pants, short cropped jacket, and a guitar case.

Everything was tailored to his very fine frame.

Then there was the nascar driver in the jumpsuit, the army captain (old khaki uniforms, tie tucked in....oh honey...), 'Grease' (Leather and Letter jackets, and plenty of "greased lightening"), 'James Dean' (long trench coat, cigarette, a real life 'bad boy') and a few others. They did dance numbers where multiples would come out and be on stage initially together...then one guy would take it all off and that was his exclusive number.

At the very end they all dressed up like cowboys and danced "Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy". Trust me, there were plenty of menopausal women in that room who would have.

It was a well done show. there was no tipping involved, they came out and danced on the tables and they occasionally brought a girl up to the stage for a special lap dance.

***Just an FYI if you don't know, unlike at your average strip club, it is strongly encouraged that you fondle the dancers. Guys aren't generally allowed to touch a female stripper, but with a male stripper, it's completely different for some reason. Male Strippers want your hands all over them. Ass grabbing and chest groping is law at a male review.***

At the end you could pay to have a polaroid taken with the dancers. The pic of me w/ the dancers is in the other blog. YOu can go to the Vegas blog to look at it and read a more detailed write up of my experience.

All in all, it's a wonderful show and I'd suggest any one in Vegas going to see it.

Chippendales

Chippendales are all over this country. I'm pretty sure there are shows in just about every major city in the US. Chippendales are the penultimate male strippers. It's just...Chippendales. I saw a few of the Chippendale's dancers while in Las Vegas and I was not impressed. (OK, I was impressed with a few of them, but only their pictures)

Anyway, so the other night a group of the 'calendar men' were coming to T-bombs, a local Richmond Bar. I didn't know CHippendales knew Richmond was even on a map, much less the entire state of Kentucky.

So I get a group together and we go down to the bar. We stake out seats (not too close, but not too far back either) and get our drinks.

I'm working on buying a pitcher when an announcer at the bar says that the dancers are at Waffle House.

I'm not amused. Why are male dancers at Waffle House? I want them trim and buff and there is nothing trim or buff about a dining experience at waffle house.

Apparently, Waffle house was only a landmark though since they got off at the wrong exit and were lost.

So they come in and we're scoping out the eye candy. It's not too bad, but I'm remarkably unimpressed. There are only five dancers. They handed out sheets of paper with the cost of everything that the show was going to present.

Now I'm really not impressed.

Here's the skivvy.

You pay a dollar for two 'kiss' stickers. You can buy as many of these stickers as you want and put them anywhere on your body that you want. When the dancers came out into the crowd, they would kiss on these stickers. It was sort of a deer hunter orange invite.

So the first two go up and start stripping, but the one guy looked totally lost, and they only stripped down to their cut off shorts and chaps. Again, not impressed.

The next guy came out was a cop. Now, in a town with an educational institution that specializes in Criminal Justice, having a cop strip is more than a welcome sight. However, he brought a girl up on stage who was a.) drunk off her ass b.) a total skank and basically lipsynced to this recording. Something about assuming the position since she's familiar with the position already. Then he practically fucked her while the other dude kissed on her neck or some such nonsense. I poured myself another beer and waited.

The next dude was supposed to be a 'well dressed man.' A business suit, etc. Only, this dude must have gotten his suit at a Big and Tall when he could have shopped at a Gymboree. Short, not well built, and sort of skanky looking, this dude was swimming in this suit and shirt. He looked like a homeless dude who'd gotten his mismatched office attire at a goodwill or charity church event. Then, the music changes as he rips open his work shirt and reveals a superman shirt underneath.

Again, not impressed.

He strips out of his pants to reveal Spiderman briefs (no ass? no cash.) He then wraps a superman towel around his waist and strips off the offending briefs. When he removes the towel, he's wearing a g-string.

He turns his back to the crowd so we could get a good view of his ass and our whole table turns our heads sideways when we see he's got this weird ass back tattoo.

We're still not 100% sure what it's supposed to be. I think the final consensus was a Flaming Butterfly.

It's definately in the list of top ten worst tattoos a guy has ever had.

Regardless, we do know WHY he had the hideous back piece. Apparently, he had really bad Bacne (Back Acne for those of you not in the know) and had these really bad scars/freckles on his back. I'm not a shallow callous bitch (I'm just a bitch, there's a difference), so him having bacne scars is not a big deal for me. But I never would have been any the wiser if he hadn't gone and put that hideous tat on his back. I spent so much tim looking at his back going "What the fuck?" that I NOTICED the scars and imprefections and was masively turned off (not that I was turned on in the first place).

The next guy came out dressed as a doctor. Alright, so the nursing majors were having a field day with that one. But I'm not big on guys stripping out of ill fitting costumes. Oh, and since I have this phobia of doctors, I spent a long time studying my beer glass instead of watching him.

Now, another problem I had with the T-bombs thing is that they had the seating set up poorly. They should have had tables set up in front of the stage going back towards the door of the room in lines or whatever. But they just set up the short tables haphazardly in front of the stage and left a pit type area in front. It was a concert set up, not a stripper set up.

By the by, stripper etiquette is to NOT RUSH THE STAGE while the dude is shaking his shit. Sit down, shut up, and enjoy the show. All these girls rushed the stage and no one in the back could see a damn thing. We later found out that it wasn't as if there was a lot to see anyway.

So then comes the time when they're going to be coming out in the audience, so people with these deer hunter orange lips are getting stoked. Then the emcee says you have to tip the dancers a buck in order to get them to kiss on you. Whatever.

Our table might have been the only one w/o a single deer hunter orange sticker.

We were probably the only table that wasn't going bat shit over the dancers, but having a damn good time doing public commentary on the skanks in the room.

Ali and I put in two bucks each for raffle tickets. We figured it might be fun to win something. Not only can't these guys count (We were supposed to get ten tickets....he gave us twelve, uh, can you say "der") but they suck at drawing numbers too. One girl won like three separate prizes.

Ali and I didn't win anything, but we consider it a blessing.

Chippendale dancers are gropy. They really do invade your personal space and they practically rape whoever they dance with.

I've got video footage I shot that looks like I was filming an orgy. I was massively wierded out. There were sexual activities all over the place.

Oh, and disappointment of the evening....everyone knows that standard Chippendales do the black leather pants, the white shirt cuffs and the white shirt collar and bow tie. THAT'S Chippendales. For christ sake, it's part of their logo.

They never did come out dressed as Chippendales. I was more than a little disappointed. We left while they were doing the picture thing. Like I said....we got bored.

At the end of the night, they allowed you to go up and take your picture with them. THe one dude kept undoing girls bras. Now, here's a factoid for you. I can unsnap a bra in 0.2 seconds without looking at it....one handed.

This dude must have taken like, five minutes (per bra) that he tried to unsnap with both hands while looking at the clasps.

It didn't bode well for him.

Later, while we were in the main bar section (I told you, we got bored) we saw the dancers. Weird back tat guy had a nose ring (not a bull ring, I'm talking girlie assed diamond stud in the side of the nose). The other dudes were all pretty much wearing turtle neck sweaters and leather jackets. The general consensus was that they were, for the most part gay. This was reafirmed when we established how bad their tattoos were and that one of them had a girlie stripper tat. I'm talking one of those tats at the small of the back in some sort of tribal design.

What the fuck?

I'm all for a guy with tattoos...but damn, don't get girlie ones.

Thunder-1

Chippendales-0

There you have it. If I got the chance to see Chippendales again, I'm not sure I'd go. I'd go back to Thunder (or try American Storm) before going to another Chippendales show. Perhaps it's just my bias...who knows?

Maybe I'm just jaded to nude men because of Zulus?

Nah....Chippendale Richmond just didn't do it for me. I'll save my dollars for the Aussies.