Ten Things that Irritate the fuck out of me

OK, so I'm in a pissy mood (blame PMS) so I've decided to make a list of things that really piss me off. So basically I'm going to rant at these populations and get some of this shit off my chest.

Religious fanatics laying guilt trips on everyone else--- Look, it's great that you've found God and all, really fantastic. But don't condemn my ass simply because I haven't and have no interest in finding Him right now. Keep your religious views to yourself and pray for my soul all you want...just don't tell me about it. Let me put it to you this way, We're all going to hell and I'm driving the bus. At least I'll be with the cool people. Your religion is OK for you, leave me to mine....how do you know I'm going to hell? Did God tell you that, or did you take it upon yourself to make that decision...cuz last time I DID pick up the Bible, it said that God had the last say of who makes it into Heaven.

Boys--- All right ladies, let's face it....guys suck. Guys....you are irritating as hell. The only thing you're good for are belching contests, Lifting extraordinarily heavy things, doing stupid shit and procreating. You aren't even GOOD at Procreating, but since you're the only creature on earth that can create sperm compatable for humans, well, I guess we have to keep you around. I mean, seriously, you get pissed when chicks play you, but if you play a girl, it's the greatest thing in the world? Is it really OK to sit there and talk to your friends about what you and some girl did the night before behind closed doors? And once you've messed around with a girl, is it then OK to ignore her a week later? Or to simply ignore her presence when in the company of your friends? Is it so bad to talk to the 'crazy chick' from last night? And really now, you all say you want a girl that isn't clingy, that likes the same things you do, that isn't needy etc. etc, but then you go to those girls. The women in this world who 'are just one of the guys' get slighted at every freakin' turn. We're here boys, we're ready for you....but you need to open your eyes and find us. Oh, wait...that would mean you'd have to stop and ask for directions cuz you're too stupid to find what's right in front of your face. No, instead you turn to the bleach blonde who's drunk off her ass and is wearing a skirt that leaves her underwear choice obvious, her boobs are falling out of her shirt (Don't go for it boys, they're fake!) and enough make-up to make a cadavre look like a prostitute. These girls are whores! those bitches have diseases! Are you listening? Hello! Take your eyes off her chest for one minute and back away...just standing within fifty feet of her and you'll get a VD.....

Girls--- Ladies we are not exempt. We are catty and manipulative. We want our girl friends to give us honest opinions but then can't take the heat. We want men to be gentleman and treat us chivalrously, but we are all women's rights and shit and too independent to ask for help with two broken legs and a one ton weight on our chest. We want to be married by our prince charmings, yet couldn't abide him making less than we do. By God, if the man of my dreams cleans toilets for a living, I'll marry him. So I won't be able to live in a big house and have a fast car or good jewelry...it's not like we go out to the opera anymore, or have any use for fine jewelry in every day life.....I mean, really ladies, is money everything? Yes, it makes life nice, but it isn't everything. Get over yourselves, your make-up, your designer clothes and your play-boys....the Frat boy ideal is not perfect...they are idiots (see above)

People who talk through movies--- Oh my God, would you mind holding your comments until the end? I mean, occaisionally it's absolutely essential that you make a comment (Snickers Bars will never be the same), but there is an appropriate volume level. Do not ask questions, just sit there, enjoy the movie and maybe, in the next ten minutes your question will be answered. Can't anyone just sit quietly and enjoy a freakin' movie? And while you're at it, turn off the fucking cell phone!

“Bad asses” who are really pansies (I.e.—posers)-- For the love of mike, just sit down and cry already. I mean, really. I'll admit, I talk myself up and make myself into a bigger 'bad ass' than I am. Really, I'm the nice, quiet girl who sits in the back and absorbs everything in....I don't really want to kick your ass. But if I say it, you might back off and quit pawing me for ten seconds so that I can have a civilized conversation with you. And really, Fight Night at a club? If that's how you're going to prove you're a bad ass then at least throw a couple decent punches. Don't run away from your friend, beat the hell out of him. And girls, please learn to throw a proper punch. Connect, punch through them, don't stop once you hit flesh.

Homework---The real world does not have Home work? Why do instructors insist on giving us this shit, especially for Gen-ed coursese? I mean, are we really going to take anything away from the homework? No. In fifty years we are not going tell our grandchildren about that great algebra assignment we had in college, or that endless night we sat up reading about Astronomy. Homework should be condemned---it's not natural, it's not required. Free up our nights....let us learn about the 'real world' and read retarded people's Blogs.....

Long Traffic Lights-- This one ought to be self explanatory. Why do I sit at a traffic light for five minutes when there is absolutely no one coming. Feakin' A get the lights on a system so that I can get from point 'A' to point 'B' expeditiously. I do not want to stop at every stop light on main street, if I want to stop at every intersection, I'll ride my bike.

Walmart-- Have you ever gone into Wal-mart and really looked around? This place is disturbing. The people that work there are old and are only doing it because they have nothing else better to do. Does anyone actually look like the morons in the commercials? no, because they aren't getting paid money to be on TV. These people are sad, down trodden, and if I had to re-arrange shelves every two days to make people buy more shit, then I'd be pissed off too. I HATE WALMART!!!! They take over land and build and pave over with out a thought to the rest of the world. I mean, I wrote an entire essay on how much I hate Walmart and how much they suck and got an A on it. What did I use as my college entrance essay? You guessed it, my bitch fest on Wal-mart....oddly enough, I got into every school I applied for....even with that essay.

People who mumble into their cell phones---Enunciate! Damn it. I'm not racist, or prejudiced or anything, but African Americans are notorious for it. If you want to talk like that, fine, but don't get pissed off because someone won't give you a job. If you could speak English clearly, you wouldn't have to worry about it. Wait, I have an Idea! maybe we should all just start mumbling. We'd really personify the lazy American then.....I'm putting in for a new movement....

Crowds-- Why does everyone have to congregate at one place at one time? It's absolutely retarded. Really now how much sense does it make to go to a club because "everyone will be there." If everyone is there, then isn't that the best moment to run up Main Street naked? No one would see me, they'd all be 'there'. Or maybe that's when I'm supposed to rob a bank, dump bodies, fall down the stairs and break my neck....

So there it is...I'm tired though and can't really come up with good excuses as to why those ten things really irritate me. Just be content in the fact that they do and that you just wasted ten minutes of your life reading about things that piss me off.

Apparently I was bored off my ass

It's Thursday Night.

Most of my collge compatriots are out getting bombed at Frat parties or down at the club dancing themselves into a mindnumbing stupor before going home for the weekend. I am not with them. I am still on campus.

4:00--- My friend Sam invites me to go to a foriegn film with her. She doesn't want to go by herself. I decide to go.

6:30--I wander into the Library. If you do not know me, you do not know how odd this is. It is surprising to my friends that I even know where the library is....Who am I kidding? It is surprising to me! So I go in and figure out where they are showing this movie. It's in Spanish...it has subtitles. This is good because I do not speak Spanish...but I can read. The little spanish teacher tells us about the movie and we begin to watch.

This movie is strange. It's about a girl who is 'extremely' sensitive to things. She's born into the world with the force of her own tears. (Disgusting moment one: The old kitchen lady sweeps up the salt left over from these tears...which are quite obviously the discharged brith fluids....but the movie says it's tears...so we'll assume it's tears). Accoring to family tradition, the youngest daughter must remain unmarried until mama kicks the bucket. It sucks to be this kid.

So chica (whose name happens to be Tita) ends up finding a boy friend...but she's not supposed to marry. So when Pedro (really his name) comes to ask for her hand, Mama convinces him to marry the older sister. Pedro agrees, but only because he will be able to be close to Tita. OK, any guy stupid enough to say that should have his balls cut off and be denied the ability to reproduce. Any woman stupid enough to believe that load of horse shit should be shot on sight and hung from the tallest flag pole around just to prove that stupidity and love never pay. Anyway so Tita cries a little and a tear ends up in the wedding cake batter. When wedding people eat the cake they immediately feel sad and long for their true loves. Gag me. Apparently the characters didn't like it either because they get so worked up they ralph into the nearby river.

Now, sister one and Pedro (who I'd prefer to call Asshole) do not consumate their marriage for three months because Pedro is just soooo in love with Tita. Bull Shit. He eventually screws his wife and gets her pregnant. But wifey is too sick to breast feed and, in a strange twist of movie fate, the wetnurse gets shot in the head and dies. WOW! So Tita breast feeds the kid. Excuse me? Apparently she is so sensitive to the needs of others that she is able to produce breast milk on command. It's supposed to be that imagined pregnancy thing...can you say head case?

Now, Tita has another sister who is actually illegitamate by the guy mama had an affair with. This sister runs off with the Rebel General and disappears....disowned by mama.

Anyway, mama doesn't like it that Pedro is making eyes at Tita still and so has baby, sister and Pedro go to Texas. But wait, without Tita, baby dies. Everyone is sad (awww....) Tita is sad. Tita no like mama..mama is bitch. Eventually Tita goes absolutely psycho and ends up in the house of an Anglo Doctor. He's total perve material, but whatever.

Tita goes back to el Rancho for the funeral of Mama. Mama died because banditos came to town and raped, pillaged and plundered. Mama didn't understand that the shotgun is supposed to be aimed at the bandits, not above their heads....don't scare the mother fuckers away...blow their asses away.

So now everyone is back at el Rancho from Hell. Sister is pregnant again and gives birth because of the stress of putting mama in the ground. Since el Doctor has to do surgery, the baby is the only child and it's a girl. Sister says "She will not get married...she is the last daughter and will care for me until my death." Tita does some mental voodoo that gives sister the gasies. This girl farts and belches her way through the next half hour of the movie, bloated like you wouldn't believe.

Tita decides to marry el pervo, but she's still head over heels for Pedro. She and Pedro finally screw each other and she freaks herself out into believing she's pregnant again. Mama's psycho ghost comes back to haunt their asses. Pedro gets drunk and lights himself on fire, but doesn't die. Sister #2 comes back as a general in the rebel army. Sister #1 is put on mega diet to cut back on the burps, farts and bloats. All is 'happy?'

So Tita decides not to marry loser Doctor Perve dude and stays single waiting for Pedro's daughter to grow up. Sister #1 Farts herself to death (I mean it) and Tita and Pedro finally get to shack up after the wedding of his kid to the Dr's kid.

Pedro carries Tita over the door frame and into a room filled with candles and a big brass bed. Yes, they screw each other. He's whispering 'I love you' and eventually starts yelling since 'Hey, we're finally alone and legal!' The audience is sitting there thinking "Gee you know, the only thing that could make this movie better is if he died." And you know what? The movie gods looked down onto this tiny audience of bored college students and BANG Pedro dies mid screw. HE ACTUALLY DIES MID ORGASM!!!!!

Tita flips out. I mean, I guy dies while he's screwing me and you expect me to take it (pardon the pun) lying on my back? Hell no. But instead of running hysterically from the house, she freaks out only a little, grabs this massive afghan which she's knitted the entire movie (I'm not kidding, this thing stretches for days) and then covers Pedro. Then she picks up a box of matches and starts eating the damn things. Eventually after match four she spontaneously combusts. She and Pedro burn up and that's the end of the movie.

8:30-- I leave the library and breathe in the cold Kentucky air. Shakespeare Mexicano style just doesn't do it for me. Too much kitchy romance shit. It was weird. Very weird...I mean, it's a good movie, really....but it was just very weird.

8:45---I am back at the dorm. Not that the library is 15 minutes from my dorm, but my friends and I had to talk about the strangeness that was this movie. I walk through the front door and there is a mini Halo tourney going on. It is weird.....I do not understand video games. I watch them play for a little while, and decide to leave.

8:50--I am in my room. I am bored. My friends are gone. I start surfing. I look at the back of my hand where I have 'Rotten.com' scrawled across it in black sharpie. A friend has suggested I visit this after I told her about the disturbing picture my father sent me in the mail today (Man with large hunting rifle smiling over his kill---a dead house cat) so I go to the web-browser and type in rotten.com.

9:15--I am still looking at Rotten.com

9:20-- Eww....that dude's head is like....well...is that a head?

9:30-- Oh my

10:00-- Can they do that?

10:20-- Ha, that dude lost that fight! Train-1 Man-0

10:45-- What would possess them to put that there?

10:50-- Dude if that's his head, where's the rest of him?----oh.

11:00--I have been looking at Rotten.com for two hours now. I have seen carnage of every description. I am entrigued. This is interesting.

11:05-- There are no more links. Well, at least none that aren't pornographic in nature. Dead bodies are one thing, but porn is a comletely different one...bleh.

11:15-- I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I am still bored. Spending two hours staring at mindless drivel has only proved that I am a highly disturbed individual who needs drugs and lots of them. Either that or it has merely proved that I have a very strong stomach.

11:30-- My room mate is home. I have someone to talk to.

11:35-- I start writing about the nights activities. I do not want to forget that this is rock bottom and that I never want to be here ever again.

I am a loser.

One Week....

One Week.

Seven Days.

168 Hours.

A Metric Buttload of seconds....

That's the amount of time that the guys on the eighth floor have gone WITHOUT flooding some section of their floor.

Last week they made it seven days and three hours....we are pushing it.

Let us Start at the Beginning...that's always a good place to start.

OK, so on Tuesday January 11, 2005 at 6:30 PM interesting things began to happen....and all because someone downstairs moved a chair.....

I was sitting on my roommate's (Kim) bed putting my new DVD's into my binder. There is stuff quite literally everywhere since we just took the boxes apart to get them out of the way and then started re-organizing. Kim is looking through some of the carnage at a game or at one of the DVD's when she decides to go take a shower and we'll watch a movie when she gets finished. I'm still happily putting my things away when all of a sudden I hear a loud 'POP' and this horrible smell.....then the fire alarms start to go off. We don't have conventional fire alarms here....we have battleship sirens (to match the big ugly metal doors of course) you know, the kind that go "whoop! whoop! PLEASE EXIT THE BUILDING. AN EMERGENCY HAS BEEN REPORTED. DO NOT USE THE ELEVATORS. PLEASE EXIT THE BUILDING IMMEDIATELY." So I grab my coat and then think "HA! Kim is in the shower....I should go see if she needs a coat or anything..." So she has me get her bathrobe and we head downstairs. Just as we hit the stairs, three guys come off the tenth floor (yes, we live on nine) and she's wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around her and trying to haul a bathrobe over her shoulder....funny to say the least....we can smell like...an electrical smell and she claims she saw smoke, but I was too busy laughing at her trying to get dressed. Anyway, we all go outside and wait for Richmond Fire Department to show up. Now, people are milling randomly about the lawn staring at the building wondering what's up, when we see a bunch of guys from eight standing off to one side. Three of them are soaked. I mean, yeah....they could have been in the shower.....but I don't think so. They tell the rest of us that eight is flooding. As in water is RUSHING down their hall way and it's black and smells awful. So RFD goes in and pokes around. EKU utility people show up and scratch their heads and an RHC (Residence Hall Coordinator) comes out and tells us all to go to Burnam or Powell to sit and wait for updates, that they'll be coming every fifteen minutes and that we'll be let in as soon as possible. So we go to Sullivan Hall to get Kim some clothes from a friend, cuz Kim isn't thrilled with walking all over campus in a towel and bathrobe. Then we stop at Burnam but there are like, six people there and we don't know any of them. FIguring everyone else (meaning the cool people) is at Powell, we go there. But there are only about ten people there, and we still don't know many of them and those we know we didn't want to talk to anyway. So we go back to Clay and watch as EVERY WET/DRY VAC ON CAMPUS IS HAULED OUT AND MARCHED INTO OUR BUILDING....and I'm not kidding....I think we counted like twelve go in when we got there. I mean, it's like the poor kids version of the Main Street Parade from Disney Land. So we're hanging out with the cool people now and trying to figure out what's going on. Now, our friend Ryan lives on eight and his story in itself is kind of funny.... [I'm not spelling everything as he said it. Just assume everything has THE STRONGEST KENTUCKY ACCENT YOU'VE EVER HEARD.]

"now, mah room mate and I are sittin' on the floor of our room cuz he's tryin' to unpack the new computer he just got de-livered today when all of a sudden the alarms start goin' off and shit [pronounced w/ two syllables]. So we go to leave [also a two syllable word] and there is water, I mean WATER rushin down our hallway, blacker than hell and smellin' just awful. Now, you know how hot it is up thar and we was just settin' around in our shorts. All I could think when I stepped out inter the hall [you guessed it...two syllables again] was "well, shit....this cain't be good 'er nothin'." and now ah'm cold. Why cain't they jus....[insert unintelligable mumbling here] so's we can assess daymages 'er somethin'. I didn't have no time to put mah britches on 'er nothin'. I don't know about any of y'all, but I need a bayer (in the real world, 'bayer' is pronounced 'beer')"

Now, rumors are starting to flow and I'm probably not helping matters because I'm telling people what I know because I heard a 'pop' and the water starting to flow. Someone reports that eight is flooded, seven is catching hell and six is just starting to feel the effects. Someone else says it'll be another hour before we can get back in. It's already been an hour since this thing started... Twenty minutes later the damage is down to five, only on the one section of the building (Clay is kind of L shaped so just the short part of the L was getting wet) and it'll be another hour to forty five minutes 'til we can get back in. Ali and I go for a long walk...we watch the guys get two footballs and basketball stuck in a tree and wonder how their going to get them out...we wander off...it's better not to ask questions. We tell someone who'd been in class what had happened. This was not recomended however because he is the eighth floor's RA and he went APESHIT when he found out it was his guys that did it. Then we went back to watch the guys get the balls out of the tree. When we went back for an update they told us it would be an hour to forty five minutes til we could get back in.....this was an hour after the LAST time we checked in. We're finally able to piece a story together while we're waiting and it's amazing....

THe guy in room 812 (Just an FYI, I live in 912) was moving some furniture AND HIT THE SPRINKLER SYSTEM, KNOCKING IT SO FLIPPIN' HARD THAT IT WENT FLYING OFF, SPEWING WATER EVERYWHERE, TURNING EIGHT INTO A FLOOD ZONE. You're probably thinking bunkbed right? Oh no my friends...he was moving a desk chair....a rickety, nasty, creaky, busted ancient desk chair. He lifted it OVER HIS HEAD, don't ask why...I didn't, and hit the sprinkler.

I eventually did find out why....this kid is in the color guard...apparently he was moving the desk chair so he had more room to spin THE RIFLE! THE PLASTIC COLOR GUARD RIFLE THAT THEY NEVER CATCH ANYWAY! They had to put him into protective custody because the eighth floor guys were going to beat the shit out of him.

So now we're waiting around and they FINALLY let us back into Clay. THe parade of wet dry vacs goes by....nothing like Disney's parade....but still pretty interesting. THere's water all the way down the stair well, eight was flooded, but the computer was OK, nine and ten stood around and laughed at the other poor idiots. Though there was some slight water damage on seven (water flowing through closet floors and such) it was nothing spectacular.

Total time of circus? THREE HOURS

Now what did we learn from this?

1.) Bring ID and cell phone w/ you when you leave the building
2.) Bring Car keys when you leave...you may want to go somewhere
3.) Rumors suck
4.) Breaking sprinklers in a dorm building is a good way to get free laundry the next day :-D
5.) Thou shalt not lift things over one's head to move them from one side of the room to the other.
6.) Don't take showers if the guys downstairs are going to be dipshits
7.) They really do have indoor running water in Kentucky
8.) It pays to live on the ninth or tenth floor

....Ah, the life of a college student.....

Seven days and three hours later, I'm sitting in my bed watching 'The Amazing Race' I'm ready for bed...I want my show to end so I can sleep. But the idiots on the ninth floor have different ideas.

The Alarm goes off. So I climb out of bed...I put my slippers on...I'm thinking this is just a drill, I mean, we already had our real emergency last week. So I grab my cloak (yes, I own a full length gray wool cloak) and my keys and my cell phone and I leave my room. What do we find out when we get outside? Eight is flooding.

This has to be a joke...this can't be real.....I mean can you say de ja vu? We've already done this before. They tell us to go to Burnam, Case or powell....what the hell is going on?

I try to find a TV somewhere on campus that is showing the Amazing Race, but no one is..they're all watching that ghetto show with the people that can't sing...what's it called....America's Tone Deaf?

So I'm mopey...I want ice cream.....but the Convenience store doesn't have any of the right flavor....I'm double mopey.

I crash on the couch of the student union for a while. I find someone who has motrin and I take some...between my head ache and my back ache, I needed it. I go to one of the dorms to get an update. Apparently the guys on eight were throwing a tennis ball in their hall way and they hit the sprinkler head....it sheared off....Spewing water down the LONG HALL OF CLAY. That's right...the entire eighth floor has had the joy and honor of being flooded.

So THREE HOURS LATER I've proved to people that it is possible to sleep in a noisy lobby, and that I'm not happy...I don't want to do this anymore...several people from the building are discussing lynching the boys from eight. There was water damage all the way down to our lobby....it was not good to live low in the building....

And so, seven days later we hold our breath....they still have two hours....they can still fuck this up.....


-----Fortunately they succeeded in not setting the alarms off-----

First Posting

OK, so a lot of you are probably wondering what this is.

Yes, I've succumbed to the mindless drivel that is 'blogging.' Screw you...I'm bored.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to enlighten you as to why my blogspace page is called www.crayonstastegood.blogspot.com or whatever this is....

Personally, I tried many things...here are a few of the iterations...just trust that they are surrounded by www. words.whatever.com

---lifeandtimesofstupidcollegekids
---stupidcollegekids
---goaway
---whyareyoureadingthis
---fuckyou
---whyareyouhere
---damnyoumustbebored
---dudegetalife
---stupidcollegecoeds
---idiots

so yes, I'm bitter...in a fit of boredom I just started free associating with objects on my desk. You're lucky this isn't called 'igotmail' .com.....so I see a box of 64 crayons on my shelf and think of that weird kid from third grade who told people that 'Crayons Taste Good!' (you know the one...there's one of those kids in every class) and typed it in.....it was the first address that got accepted in TEN MINUTES of trying to find an address.

My life is meaningless....officially.