Snickers Sex

Well, it seems I've been a bit lacking in some of the things I've said, and while they're exceptionally funny to me, many of you do not understand.

The biggest place this has been a problem is in my numerous references to Snickers bars as being just slightly more than a quick fix. Oops...I did it again.

Let me start at the beginning.....

My friend Brian is my age (ok, so a few months older....bite me.) Anyway, while home from college this last summer we decided to go see a movie with another friend or ours. We all met at the theater and decided to see "The Day after tomorrow."

Well, it started out poorly and Brian starts making snide comments during the movie...mostly just loud enough for Erin and I to hear, but Erin turns beet red when this kind of thing happens so it was even funnier to have her turning red when no one could see.

Anyway, (spoiler approaching, don't read if you've never seen the movie or if you have any intentions of seeing it) there's this part where the entire city of New York is flooding and Emmy Rossum is hurt and they're all holed up in the New York Library. Anyway, there's been this EXTREME sexual tension between Jake and Gyllenhall and Emmy Rossum the entire movie and she's sort of hurt and he's the big bad hero and you just KNOW that he wants to screw her. But he settles for a little kiss (awww....how pathetic). Anyway, so Brian belts out rather loudly "Oh for Pete's sake, it's not like you're concerned about Birth control or anything, the freakin' world is coming to an end!" at this point I shush Brian, but I'm laughing too hard and Erin is of course turning red at the very mention of pre-marital sex. Brian's response, "Well, seriously now! If they're THAT concerned all they need is a Snickers Bar wrapper and a rubber band." A joke is born. People around us are laughing because though everyone was thinking it, Brian was the only one with the balls enough to say it (way to go Brian). Erin is about ready to spontaneously combust she's so red and trying not to laugh...I think I missed the next ten minutes of movie (not that it would have made the movie any better) because I had tears rolling down my face. Brian was sitting there with the smuggest grin in the world.

So, two days later we're all sitting at our scout meeting. You see, Brian Erin and I are all Venture Scouts. Co-Ed Boy Scouts....can anything be better? So we're sitting there and Erin wasn't paying attention to us so Brian makes reference to snickers bars and Erin starts to GLOW RED. I'm not kidding you, if the room had been dark, we would have needed sun glasses she turned so red. So Brian and I start laughing, without realizing that Mr. Erin's dad is sitting within ear shot. The words "Do I even want to know what this is about?" break our laughter. Erin's dad is a big dude....we don't really want to mess with Erin's dad. We laugh it off though and don't say much else, except when we're alone and have the joy of watching Erin turn red.

So anyway, we return to our respective schools and can honestly no longer even look at a snickers bar without laughing, much less the movie 'Day After Tomorrow'. So I'm being the studious little cuss that I am and have gone to class for the day. Upon my return, I find this message on my IM---

"I got hungry today and decided to have a snickers. Halfway through I realized what I was eating and missed my next 2 classes because I was questioning my sexuality. How was your day?"

Yep, that was Brian, re-itterating that Snickers bars and sex go hand in hand.

Then Christmas came and since our Venture Crew does a white elephant gift exchange, I was gonna get Brian a big case of Snickers. It would have been fantastic, except he had the same idea and was going to direct Erin to a present that contained a King Sized Snickers bar, just because she'd get the joke. Instead, the honor of the Snickers Bar befell me. I did not eat said snickers bar, oh no. I saved it. I carried it with me on the airplane....I brought it 1200 miles back to school....and for what purpose?

To mount it on my wall, with instructions and everything.

FOR EMERGENCY USE ONLY---The official "Day after Tomorrow Snickers Bar Shag" Instructions
1.) Open only one end of wrapper
2.) Hungry? Why Wait? Eat the Snickers bar you moron!
3.) Hurry....she's horny!
4.) Don't think too hard now....the world is coming to an end and the two of you are gonna get busy!

Brian gives me crap because currently the snickers bar has not been hung in the place of honor. It is instead sitting on top of my book case...which is at the head of my bed.....so Brian has been telling me 'easy access'.

Well Brian, our 'dirty little secret' is out. Now the world will know about snickers bars.