Life and Times: What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas------ NAH!

If what happened in Vegas, stayed in Vegas, what fun would Crayons Taste Good be?

Let's start at the beginning of my trip and work forward, shall we? I mean, all good stories start at the beginning. You can't just open the book of my life and start in the middle after all.

This bitch is so long, I'm going to have chapters.

WAKE UP

So I woke up on Tuesday Morning at about Five AM Eastern Standard Time. Let's put this into perspective....I'm travelling West, which means it's really three AM where I'm going. I leave Richmond at Roughly six o'clock and start driving to Cincinnati. Two hours later I'm SUPPOSED to be siting in the Airport, however I'm sitting in traffic. It's a good thing I decided NOT to stop at a McD's for breakfast because I had "extra time". "Extra time" disappeared in Traffic. I finally arrive at the air port and have to go through all the fun of checking my bags (which include my skis) and get through security. You might as well strip bare ass naked to get through TSA anymore. You'd think that by 8 AM there'd be little to no line at Security....but BOY was I wrong!

THE FLIGHT FROM HELL

So I have to leave from CVG, Concourse C. The good thing about CVG is that you can walk from the terminal to Concourse A and B. You don't have to take the stupid train. If you aren't a lazy bastard, it's a nice, quiet walk. However, you can not walk or take the train to Concourse C. Which of course, is where all the puddle jumper Delta flights depart from. So you have to walk to Concourse B and then take the stupid Bus to Concourse C. Once I arrive at Concourse C though, I have to pee. I am so centered on my mission of "Operation Potty" that I ignore all else in the air port. Looking back, i knew bad things were going to happen but I ignored them because my bladder was screaming at me.

On exiting el bano, I notice that the world has gotten noticeably smaller and that everyone is being pushed in strollers. I've never seen so many damn strollers in one place...and I'm not talking little umbrella strollers either...I'm talking the hummer strollers. These things quite easily come equipped with car batteries, solar panels,

This is not good....all the little people are headed to my gate.

Now the thing about CVG is that you sit in your gate and you board through a door that leads you into a big hallway that takes you to the proper gate. It's sort of stupid and confusing, but whatever. There are eight other flights slated to take off from the same area. I'm hoping all the little cretins are getting on the Sarasota flight to go see Gramma.

WRONG!

They all get on the Denver flight! Dammit!

I get on my plane and stare forlornly at the pile of strollers outside the plane. I'm not thrilled. Have you ever been on an airplane with small children? They have a tendency to scream shrilly. It doesn't make me happy.

I sit in my seat and before I can strip down and get ready to take off, the lady next to me asks if I'd mind switching with her husband who is sitting across the aisle.

I don't mind since the old dude has an empty seat next to him and I'm sort of hoping that no one else will have that seat. Just as we're getting ready to jump seats, a lady gets on with a small baby and sits in the seat next to the old dude.

D'oh!

"Do you still want to switch?" The old dude asks me.

I'm a sucker for punishment so I say sure. Two and a half hours of flight time next to a six month old is a sure recipe for disaster. It turns out that the little munchkin was a remarkably good flyer. It was a spectacular flight. I kept the baby and the old dude I switched seats with occupied with an oragami frog that jumped. Simple Minds, Simple Pleasures...it pays to sit next to the REC major on the air plane.

So we land in Denver. Kiddie Air was remarkably un-eventful. No one screamed, no one cried, no one ran up and down the aisles. It was a happy flight. Dad met me at Baggage claim and we got my bags and drove to Colorado Springs where I pretty much slept through a mani-pedi until mom got off work.

MECCA

Do you have a Whole Food Market? If you've never been, you have to go. It's a huge grocery store full of organic food. It's the best place on the planet. I mean, it's more than Tofurky and soy burgers...it's jut got really high quality foods that happen to be really good for you.

So Mom, Dad and I go to WFMand get dinner. They make killer sandwiches at the Deli and we get one for each of us and one for Matt, who we will be picking up in Denver.

All Good Journey's.....

All Good Journey's start out Rocky. Let's just say that Golden, Colorado proved to be our rocky start. We drive to Matt's apartment where known but to me, he's got a surprise waiting for us. A surprise named Tina.

No, Tina is not his puppy or his new cat.

Tina would be his new girlfriend. I know about Tina. I also know that Mom and Dad don't.

Matt answer's the door with this wonderful little introduction.

"Hey....Renee, Dad, this is my Girlfriend Tina. Tina, meet the family." He then carries his suitcase to the car and tells my mom to come inside and meet his girlfriend and then shuts the door and books it inside. he knows they probably aren't too thrilled that he has a new woman.

Matt's apartment looks like a cyclone raged through it. Clothes are EVERYWHERE! I don't think the kid knows what a hanger or a dresser looks like, even though my mom has tried for years to show him. It's like Jane Goodall with the apes. She holds up a picture of a banana and says "Banana", she holds up a picture of an apple and says "Apple." My mom did the same thing with my brother...."Dresser", "Hanger", "Closet", "Drawer"--- the only thing is...that eventually the apes would register "Apple" and "Banana" and associate the fruit with the picture and the word, my brother can't do that.

We leave cyclone land and get into the car, leaving the girlfriend behind at the apartment.

Plate and Napkin
The maternal unit is still in shock over the girlfriend. She's asking the pre-requisite "How did you meet?", "How long has this been going on?", "Why didn't you tell me?" etc. type questions. There's just one detail Matt withheld at first. The subject of age. Now age really isn't that big of a problem. he dated a younger girl before Tina. I was sort of hoping it wouldn't come up, but it did.....

MOM: "So is she a freshman? Sophomore?"
Matt: "Well, she's technically a freshman, but that's because her credits from her other school didn't transfer right."
MOM: "Her other school? So she should be a sophomore then, right?"
Matt: "Well....umm.....she's 23."

***Matt's 19***

You have NEVER heard a pregnant pause like this one. This bitch went nine months and then some. I mean, you could hear the crickets chirping. No one moved....i think i might have slipped into the twilight zone for a minute it got so still in the car. I'm in the back seat trying not to laugh my ass off....see...this was another bit of information I also had. Matt was 'starving' because the kid MUST have a tapeworm so he was getting ready to grub on his sandwich when mom drops this line to break the silence.

MOM: "Do you have a plate and napkin?"

Let me tell you, I was trying so hard not to laugh that I nearly pissed myself. Matt blew my cover though and I finally had to just LOL because it was just too damn funny. I mean, she skipped right over everything else and went right on to a new conversation. She told me later that she pretty much went blind when Matt dropped Tina's age on her.

We stopped at a gas station before we left Golden so Mom could buy cigarettes.

My brother should be hired by the Tobacco industry for his power to make people want a cigarette.

UTAH
We stopped in Green River, Utah for the night at a Motel Six. We ought to get frequent miles at this joint because every time we go to Vegas, we stop at the Green River Motel Six and eat breakfast at the West Winds Restaraunt and truck stop.

TOAST?

Now, about six or seven months ago, my mom bought her midlife crisis mobile. While other people get Corvette's, and BMW's, my mom went a completely different direction and bought herself a toastermobile.

Toastermobile?

Yep, it's one of those new Scions....that's what she bought. Now, the thing is deceptively small. There's enough room to play raquetball in that thing. I mean, My parents are tall people and my brother and I are tall people. Riding in compact cars is not an option because Long Legs in teh front + Long Legs in teh back make for cranky road trips. This thing has enough foot room for EVERYONE.

So after breakfast, mom let's me drive teh Toaster. It took me a little while to get used to the dials being in the center of the dashboard instead of behind the stearing wheel, but it was a really nice drive.

There, now I've plugged the toaster car....deal with it!

Viva Las Vegas!

The last time I went to Vegas, I had just graduated High School. We stayed at the Excalibur for one night and saw the Blue Man group at the Luxor before continuing on to California for Disneyland and a cruise. I was 18 and couldn't do a whole lot.

A lot has changed since then.

I'm 21 now and am legal to gamble and drink. I'm three weeks away from graduating college. We're staying at teh Barbary Coast Hotel on the strip. And the Blue Man Group is no longer at the Luxor.

We walk to a half price ticket place to see if they had tickets for any of the shows we wanted to see.

They don't.

So we have to drive to the Rio so Matt and dad can buy tickets for Penn and Teller.

Mom gives me five bucks to play on a penny machine. I lose it. I don't like gambling much.

After losing five dollars, we drive to Excalibur where Mom and I purchase tickets for Thunder from Down Under.

THUNDER!!!!!

Thunder from Down Under is to women what Crazy girls are to men. It's an all male review.

Hot

Muscular

Tan

Sweaty

Mostly Naked

Aussie

Men.

You guessed it. Hotties in thongs...oh yeah.

I have NEVER been in a room with more horny menopausal women in my LIFE! I mean, you'd think it would be mostly young chicks and bachelorette parties.

WRONG!

I'm pretty sure that at 21 I was the youngest person in that room.

If you're ever in Vegas (and of the female persuasion), go see thunder. It's well done...tasteful....I mean...they don't do full frontal nudity or anything...just a lot of muscles, and butt cheeks.

*****side note*****

Can you move your ass cheeks independantly of each other?

Without using your hands to lift each cheek?

To the beat of music?

One of these guys can. How you learn to do that, I still don't know, but Mom and I are still trying to do it.

Ha Ha, now I bet you're sitting there trying to figure out how to do it....stand up and try it...go ahead! I'll wait.

*****end side note*****

So the show ends and there are about seventy five salivating, horny, menopausal women in the room. Then they make the announcement that you can come up on stage with them and have yoru photo taken with them and you can be as socially unacceptable as you'd like.

At first I was like, it would be fun...if it didn't cost money. Then I thought, all these women (and the one bachelorette party) are all over these guys...ew.

Then I thought "wait, these guys are Aussies....."

Aussies know rugby....and what's the lightest jacket I own?

My Rugby Jacket.

Yep....I did it.

So the blondie on my left looks at me as I hand the brunette my jacket and says "What is it, your bowling jacket?"

The brunette says "No mate, it's a rugby jacket." (yes, he said mate, tee hee hee)

Here's the conversation....

Blondie: "You Play Rugby?"

"Yes."

"Where at your University?"

"Yes." (I'm sort of struck speechless by all the muscle around me)

"What position do you play then?"

"Lock"

"Oh...a Lock aye? so you like cock?"

::::did he really just say that?::::: "Well...yeah..."

"Just kidding with you...I was a lock too! I bet you lock..." At this point he grabs my thigh...."You've got really muscular legs, you do a lot of leg presses I bet."

::::Humma what?::::: "Yeah...I mean, I guess, when we're in the gym...." :::He just grabbed my leg and has his arm wrapped around me practically pulling me into him......holy shit! My brain is so not functional at the moment.:::::

"Yeah...we played Union when we were in Australia, Marcus there played....you played too didn't you?" He looks to the guy next to him. The blonde in the front row sort of turns and says, 'I did' "What do you play, league or Union?"

"Union."

"What do you like better, running plays or tackling?"

"Oh, tackling...I don't like runing much...I'd rather nail someone than run the ball."::::dah! Minds out of the gutter!:::::

"Yeah, that's the best part. That's awesome you play rugby."

"My team is never going to believe this."

The picture finally gets taken only The Blonde and the brunette on the other side of me slaps my ass almost just as the picture is taken.

*****The brunette on my right is the one that can move his ass cheeks*****

"Good Luck with the rugby! Thanks for coming!" and I get another swat on the ass as I go to get my polaroid.

Just as I turn back to grab my jacket, they take another pic and throw it in the basket in front of them...something they really hadn't done w/ any of the other girls.....

A pic of the EKU Women's Rugby jacket, just for them....

I nearly died.

I got some of their signatures after the show. Just because. You know you love it!

Then Mom and I went back to the Barbary Coast where she handed me another five bucks just to play another machine.

SLOT MACHINE, OR ATM?

I put my five dollars in the machine (another penny slot) and pushed the buttons. I ended up going through three different bonus rounds. The first one I hit for like, two bucks or something. the second one I hit for three or something. The third one I hit, I hit another bonus round within the bonus round and the machine just 'dinged' itself retarded. The faster the machine 'dinged' the faster I drank the beer the cocktail girl had brought me.

Seven thousand credits later the machine stopped 'dinging'.

7000 credits = $70

Considering I went to Vegas with exactly $21 in my pocket, hitting a machine for $70 Ain't bad.

Boo-yah bitches! Who said Penny slots don't pay?

Dislexic (Part 1)

So we're back in the hotel room telling my father and brother about Thunder. They just don't seem to get why it's such a great show! My mom is trying to explain Matthew's trick (the Brunette) and we're getting no where. But that could be because she keeps referring to them as "Cheek Butts" instead of Butt Cheeks.

No more free drinks for mother at the slot machines!

5,000 MILES

So the next day is Thanksgiving and we spend it strolling the strip and shopping. The newest Casino on the strip is the Wynn.

Have you ever gone into a place and realized you just didn't belong there?

Yeah, that's the feeling you get at the Wynn when you walk up in Jeans and Air Force and Rugby Jackets.

I mean, it's really not a good sign when the first hting you see are all the Beamers and Jags out front and the ferrari show room in the back.

We didn't even cross the threshholds of the stores inside. I mean half of them you need an appointment to go into, half of them I can't even spell.....I mean...Dolce and Gabanna? or is it Gabana? like Banana? I don't know, I'm a beer and First Gear type girl. Hell, I couldn't even fit one of these couture gowns over my muscular left thigh!

We left the Wynn. The smell of so much money made me feel dirty. I felt less dirty while getting felt up by male strippers!

We continued on to the Forum shops at Ceasar's Palace. Again, I didn't want to go into any of the stores. That is...until we got to FAO Schwartz.

You can turn me legal and let me gamble and drink, but dammit you can't make me grow up.

Mom went into a store that sold fur coats. She found SEVERAL that she liked---never a good sign---But the salesman was nice and even let her try a few on.

And then we saw the price tag.

The damn thing had five figures!

Here's an idea of how expensive these things were. one coat cost as much as.....

One semster at teh Colorado School of Mines

One year and then some at Eastern Kentucky University (Out of state tuition)

My truck (Before it depreciated) and insurance for about six months

2 Toasters (the car, not the countertop appliance)

3 kegs of good beer every week for a year

At lest 25 wii at store cost, not ebay price.

10 wii at Ebay price.

And my mom is trying them on.

Thank god she didn't buy one.

So then we head back to the hotel and get the toaster to go to Fremont street. Which is Old Las Vegas and has the cowboy and the cowgirl and Binions. Anyway, they covered it over about ten years ago with this massive awning full of lights and closed it to traffic.

Now Fremont Street is pretty cool...especially when all the Casinos go dark and the show happens on the cover.

*****Back Story*****

Now, almost eight years ago now, Air Force went to Las Vegas to play in a bowl game there. WE took two cadets with us. They don't remember much of the trip except that there was a lot of alcohol involved. We got to Fremont street for the Pep Rally and they see people wandering around with clear plastic footballs full of beer.

They Want one.

No.

They NEED one.

So they each purchase a plastic football full of beer.

How do you drink a plastic football of beer?

Through a straw of course!

They were so drunk they didn't know where they were.

Thus, Renee formed rule number one of drinking....never drink beer through a straw.

*****End Back story*****

My parents had already decided that once we were on Fremont Street Renee WAS going to get a plastic football of beer.

Operation Rule Breaker is in effect, and they finally find one at the Four Queens Casino. My father gets the football...

Now I'm not going to pretend like I drank the whole thing......

Just a good majority of it.

Mom and Dad helped.

Now it's also on Fremont Street where we see a guy with a sign saying..........

I'm not kidding you....that's the sign! I'm pretty sure this dude was in the wrong audience....oh, and just an idea of where I get it from, my Mom wanted to give me a cigarette, and have me go stand next to this idiot and be the poster child for the 'lost cause'. yeah....messing with these people must be genetic.

We also pass by a strip joint that had a sign that said "Free Admissioin, No Cover, Have fun!"

Well, it's probably a 'politically correct' way to say "Ugly assed old saggy strippers inside!" and make them all feel special.

Dislexic (Part 2)

So we've all had a bit of the plastic football (really, there's a reason I have a rule about NOT drinking beer through a straw) It gets you drunk ALMIGHTY quick. Well, on our way back to Las Vegas Blvd, My mom says something about the football and how I was drinking "Footballs through beer." (I don't remember the exact words, or the context, I was half drunk. When you drink two or three beers through a straw, THEN you can come talk to me.)

Dinner

We head back to the strip afterwards and do dinner buffet at the Flamingo.

Of course there was turkey, and I scrounged all the dark meat I could out of the steam tray. But they also had a mountain of peel and eat shrimp, and I am a sucker for peel and eat shrimp. So I not only had turkey, but Shrimp for my Thanksgiving dinner.

And then, instead of the crepe the size of a satellite dish (I'm not real big on Crepes, especially monster crepes), I opted to do ice cream....with RAINBOW SPRINKLES!

Simple Minds...simple pleasures.

Treasure Island

Alright, I've always had a fascination with Pirates. Growing up, I liked the Cartoon, pirates of Dark Water....I loved the Muppet Treasure Island, and I really do get a kick out of Erol Flynn Pirate movies (Captain blood, etc.)

So Treasure Island was DEFINATELY one of my all time favorite casinos. Out front they used to have this cove with a pirate ship parked on oneside, and British Navy sloop on the other.

At Night, they used to have the pirates on the deck of their ship, splitting the booty of their latest raid when all of a sudden, a cry went up from the crows nest that there were sails in view!

The dreaded British Navy had found the pirates' secret stash!

The Navy nerds demand the Pirates Surrender, but of course they aren't going to go down without a fight. So the Pirates fire a warning shot across the bow of the Navy Sloop.

You might have heard, the British Navy doesn't much like it when you shoot at them.

So they fire a few shots back and take out the top gallants of the Pirate Ship.

The Pirates are pissed. They fire a full broadside into the Sloop and send all the crewman flying off into the water.

The Captain of the sloop, realizing all is lost, curses the pirates, but goes down with his ship.

No really....the dude was like, buckled to the deck of the boat and WENT DOWN WITH THE SHIP!

The pirates cheered and everyone is invited into Treasure Island to share in the victory celebration!

HUZZAH!

The best part was waiting around afterwards to applaud the Navy captain as he came BACK UP WITH THE SHIP when all was said and done.

Well...that was the way it used to go. Now Treasure Island is referred to as "TI" and there is no longer any reference to Piracy.

The Pirate ship now has white trim (White Trim on a boat is inherrently wrong. White boats are fine, but you just don't paint the trim of a ship white.) and it's figure head was replaced with a large, white, nekkid chick. The Main Mast has a spiral staircase wrapped around it (neither aerodynamically sound, or constructually accurate) and is now crewed by scantily clad women.

I don't have a problem with scantily clad women crewing a boat....but it must be the PROPER scanty clothes. (FUCK YOU I can make up words if I want!)

Assless chaps, Push up Bra's, Thongs and Garter belts, and sequins mini's are just not my idea of proper sea apparel.

The Navy Sloop is now a Pirate Ship. It has a huge Bull's Head as a figure head (also not aerodynamically sound) and is called "The Bull"

The show is based on a young cabin boy, ironically named Eros, getting lured onto the Scantily clad women's boat. They are the Sirens.

Eros andes up chained to the main mast, and the Bull, with it's captain "Captain Mac" come sailing into the harbor. Un-witty banter is exchanged, the Sirens shake their groove thangs at the pirates, the pirates fire a blast at the Siren's ships, and then blow up their 'closets' (i.e. the ware houses behind the boat) since everyone knows a Siren's most valued treasure is it's wardrobe and a ship just doesn't have good closet space.

The Sirens get pissed and blow up the Pirate ship by "Singing up a storm". The pirates swim to the Sirens' ship where everyone would seem to have a mate and the Lead Siren (named Cinnamon or 'sin' for short) and Captain Mac go up to the top of the spiral staircase and a red velvet curtain is dropped over them so they can "take care of some business".

That's it.

That's the new TI show.

It blows.

Don't waste your time going to see it.....it sucks now. I mean, they cram about 500 people onto the docks outside the casino and then expect them to enjoy that crap. It SUCKS! Just don't do it!

Slot Machine or ATM? Part Deux

Matt goes back to the room to talk to Tina on the phone, and Dad goes off to play a machine he saw at the Flamingo. Mom and I go to Bally's to play some more penny machines.

She sits me down at one that she plays at Cripple Creek. Apparently you can play it "Two Ways" and it's forty credits a spin. I didn't understand much...just that when I pushed the button the machine said "ding ding ding" an awful lot and my mom kept hitting me. I made it to a bonus round where I won about $6.50 (bite me, it was Penny slots and I was putting fives in the machines). I ended up pulling about $23 out of that machine. My arm is still bruised where my mom was hitting me.

For the record, she still hadn't hit on a machine.....

Friday

Friday we walked the OTHER half of the strip. For breakfast we went to a cafe at the Paris hotel....easier said than done. Then we walked all the way down the strip, through the shops at Aladdin, and out to Mandalay Bay. I almost stayed at a bar at the Aladdin since they had a rugby game on TV. My parents convinced me it was better that I leave now.

I played another machine, but lost. But hey, it's only five bucks!

Friday Night Lights

Now honest to goodness the whole reason we went to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving was to see Air Force play UNLV. My family is all about some Air Force Football. So we go to this one pizza joint we LOVE (Don't ask the name, we don't really know it...just that it's back on Maryland, and there's usually a cop car or two out front!) No really, they're good. they make a white pizza....it's ricotta cheese instead of red sauce, and then mozzerella and lots of garlic...mmmm....it's damn tasty.

So the family orders up three pizza's and an order of wings. This is our 'tailgate' food for pre game. Dad also goes to the store and gets some beer.

We pull in to the stadium at about four o'clock. We're working on the first of our beers and maybe our second Pizza slice when we hear the National Anthem getting piped out of hte stadium.

Humma what?

Apparently my mom had seen the flyers and TV Guide listings at home...which is in Mountain Time....and they all said 5 o'clock kickoff.....

But we're in Las Vegas...which is in the PACIFIC time zone....and kick off was really at 4:30.

D'oh!

So we drink our beers quickly and run to the stadium.

We still missed kick off, but we were in the stadium trying to find our seats...that's really all that mattered.

We ended up following two USAFA Ruggers into the stadium (ex ruggers). how do I know this? One had on a zoomie T-shirt (one I happen to own) and the other had on an old USAFA rugby jersey.

You won't be surprised when I tell you that they were both fairly well into 'drunk' when we walked in teh stadium.

Air Force lost.

It was a totally uninspired game.

I was totally disappointed...no band, no fly overs, no cadets. Apparently the "kinder gentler Air Force" lets EVERYONE go home on Thanksgiving now, instead of getting some of them to go to the game.

No band...no Air Force Song...no third verse.

I was a sad little girl.

Sky High

After the game we went back to the Rio.

They do a free show called 'Parade in the sky'. They have these floats on tracks in the ceiling over the slot machines and people on the floats (once or twice an hour) come out and sing and dance and through Mardi Gras beads at you.

It really is a good time.

But since it's christmas, everythign had christmas lights, and the scantily clad girls are dressed up as "Santa's Helpers" and they still throw beads at you.

It's a neat show....

But I was the only one smart enough to check the garlands after the show because half the girls on that float (and a good number of the guys) throw like girls and the beads get hung up in the Christmas decorations.

I'm a genius.

Saturday

We go to the Sahara for Breakfast. I was too tired the night before to gamble any...I left that to Mom and Dad. But on our way in to the Sahara Buffet, I see a Phantom of the Opera Slot machine.

I'm all about the Phantom of the Opera.

But we must feed the boy child with the tape worm, so we go to breakfast.

The buffet is OK. I mean, I don't eat the same way I used to, but I can still enjoy a quality buffet. I was wearing my jacket around (because it was cold in teh restaurant and when I say cold, I mean FUHREEZING) and all of a sudden this guy (at the beer cart, go figure) says "EKU! Where is that?"

"Um, Eastern Kentucky University."

"Really? And you play rugby there? When's your season end? or is it already over?" He asks pointing at my Jacket.

"Yeah....um our last game was last Saturday." ::::How drunk is this dude? It's only 8:30:::::

"When's your Spring season start?"

"Early March...."

"I played for K-State! That's awesome! Do you play our girls at all?" :::I finally realize this dude is not plastered....he's WORKING the beer cart and getting it set up for the day::::

"Oh...no...they're a bit too far West for us...we just play teams in Ohio on Kentucky..."

"Oh man...that's cool though! What tournaments do you go to?"

"Um, we go to our Union Tournament and then one in Nashville....Nash Bash."

"I've heard of that one....it's supposed to be good!"

"It is."

"Well, you have a happy Holiday! Good luck to you!"

"Thanks...you too."

Weird how much attention a Rugby Jacket will get you in public.

Slot Machine or ATM, part.....3?

So I mention to my Mom that I really want to hit the Phantom Machine. She agrees, she's the one that told me all week to sit at Machines that "Talked to me".

I put my five dollars in and play twenty lines at one cent a piece (bite me, I'm a cheap skate). I make my bet back on the first spin.

On the second and third spins I lose, but on four through fifteen I win. I'm now up about a buck fifty.

Then I hit a bonus round.

I win another dollar.

Then I lost some more.

THen I hit ANOTHER bonus round..this time finding the secret door.

Where it's a multiplier round as you complete the maze to get through the catacombs.

My mom kept hitting me...she couldn't believe I hit ANOTHER bonus round.

Then I played some more, lost some more...and then hit a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT Bonus round.

You had your choice of three roses.

The First rose said "400 Credits." Which meant, if you pushed that rose, come hell or high water you were guaranteed to make $4.

The Second rose said "20-700 Credits" Which meant, if you pushed that rose, you could win as much as $7, but you could also get royally fucked and only win about twenty cents.

The third rose said "300-600 Credits" Which meant, if you pushed that rose, you could win $3 or you could win $6.

I was in Vegas to Gamble. So I pushed the "300-600" Rose. I mean, I figured if I hit a low end bet, I'd still win more than the middle rose....

I won $5.40.

Go me!

I ended up going to the candle round twice more, but my brother and dad were hovering so I didn't win as much. They screwed my mojo up.

The highest amount of money I had on the machine was a little over $12. I backed it down to $11 and cashed that bitch out.

My Mom wouldn't talk to me.

On the Road Again

So once again, we were on the road and we headed back to the Springs. Of course, we had to stop and feed the boy child again. That's OK, he slept more than I did so I have evil black mail pictures of him passed the fuck out in the back seat of the car.
I'd post more pictures, but Blogger in Beta is being dumb and adding spaces and I'm tired of going and closing up the gaps every time I add a picture.