Why? Oh Why, must we talk about this at dinner?

Ladies and gentlemen of cyberspace, I require your attention. I am curious...I have been pondering.....I've been snooping.

I was sitting in our wonderful cafeteria eating my lunch today when a girl comes swinging by me and relates to her sorostitute friends how she's got a guy who's fallen madly in love with her. I ignore much of the conversation until this little snippet permeates my mental wall...

"Did you make out?"

"Was he good Kisser?"

"Was he any good in bed?"

Excuse me? This is enough for me to nearly snort lettuce from my left nostril. I regain composure and look over my shoulder. They are sitting there, looking tan and blonde and stupid and asking someone to relate to them the sexual escapades of the night before. Is this really necessary? I mean, go have a pajama party with a few bottles of Boone's Farm or at least a box or two of wine and six or seven pizza's. THEN tell your girlfriends about you sexlife. I don't need to hear it in the public school cafeteria. And I thought that was shit that guys did.....

Well, I was right, because three tables away from the Gossippy Sorority whores was a table of Frat boys (are we seeing a pattern?). I walk past their table to take my tray up to the dishwashing conveyor when the words "Well, I mean, you have to masturbate to something, it might as well be..."

GAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the fuck? Is it sex talk day in upstairs Powell? What is in the water at this place? Does it make EVERYONE and their cousin horny? In Kentucky this could be dangerous...no wonder the entire state of Kentucky is genetically disabled, they've got something in the water that's making everyone horny.

I've got to go up there prior to a big test today and I am not looking forward to the conversations I'll overhear. I mean, I've heard everything from Masturbating to Tetris (Which I'm STILL trying to figure out the physics behind that one.....), Making out with someone, Who's got the biggest penis, who's got the tightest (ahem) and where to go to get the best sex toys. I'm SINGLE!!!!!! I'm HAPPY!!!!! It does not make me happy to have to eat my dinner with these conversational snippets. Nor does it make me happy when my friends converse with one another about their yearly trips to the OB/GYN, the explicit details of the occurances on those trips (let's just say it's scared me sufficiently enough that I am not only terrified to go to an OB/GYN but am NEVER having kids....do you hear me? NEVER!) , what the doctors stick where, especially when the Doctors have NOOOO business being there in the first place thank you very much.

Now, I'm no stranger to the joys of nasty dinner conversations....when I was in middle school and my family sponsored cadets from the Air Force Academy, one of them would strike up the strangest conversations. Mostly about fecal matter and farting. But the coup de gras was the conversation he had about, of all things, whale poop. He was wondering why, at Sea World, you never see whale turds floating in the tops of the tanks. You never see Shamu taking a shamu sized crap in the bottom and Shamu certainly has never been made to flush for an audience of thousands. Let's just say my mother had long since snorted potatoes out her nose and my father was getting ready to commit murder. This kid just kept going and going, pointing out further that you'll never be on a boat and see a massive turd float by the boat, nor have a biologist analyze said shit, and tell you from what whale it comes from. My father finally made the infamous father comment and told the kid "Go look it up, it's probably just massive filters or something...." my mother's reation "Maybe you should e-mail Sea World. I'm sure they'd be willing to tell you. Now don't do that to your potatoes...." Well, on a following weekend (the animals are only permitted to leave their cages on weekends mind you) He informed us that he had indeed e-mailed Sea World and actually gotten a response. The answer to the 'whale poop' question had been answered. (I'm going to relay it to you, you'll never sit in the splash zone again). Apparently with all the water whales consume in their day to day habits, there is not enough solid mass to produce solid fecal matter. That's right kiddies, when you sit in that splash zone at sea world you are more than likely getting coated in the invisible whale turds....because there aren't any turds....just whale diarrhea! Sea World says they use big filters and stuff, but honestly, if Shamu has the urge to crap during a show, who's gonna stop a ten ton whale from taking a dump right there in front of everyone.....Personally, I'm not even sure I'd set foot in the ocean with that info....The World's Oceans, or the biggest toilet ever!

The latest piece of conversation to pop up at the dinner table is from my friend Christie. Christie wants to be a nurse. She will be a very good nurse if she ever obtains this goal.... Her classes are difficult. Who am I kidding, they're ridiculously fucking hard and no one should study the way she does....she'll implode if she doesn't watch it. So anyway, (I love you Chrisite) she's talking at dinner one night and is suddenly telling us about how excited she is because she gets to do an anal swab in her micro-biology class. You're all lucky I can spell Biology...but she's EXCITED! She actually wants to stick a swab up her ass yank it out, and grow ecoli bacteria. She informs us that she has yet to shower because she wants to be good and dirty in order to grow a lot of bacteria (there's a great line to be delivered here, but I won't say it because it's too easy).

Why, oh why, must this be dinner conversation? Can't we talk about the weather? The Hottie from gym class? Why our dorms suck? Why must we speak of the NASTIEST things while we are trying to gain sustenance?

This is the life of a college student....coming up with the nastiest, filthiest and most vile conversations in christendom and having them at the supper table. So please, next time you feel like having a conversation about fecal matter, sex, masturbation or your weekly doctor visits, PLEASE consider those around you.

This has been your public service announcement for the week of February 4th, 2005.

Have a nice day!