Stupid shit people have said around me

OK, so people have a tendency to say stupid shit around me. Unfortunately for them I was blessed with the gift to record these utterances. Now you are equally blessed as you get to be enlightened by their stupid sayins as well.

My instructor today actually said the words "Sweet Serendipity" in class. It's OK to laugh...the whole class was laughing too.

My Mom actually complained today that my brother was thinking about going to school too close to home. He's considering a school about 2 hours away. There are kids here whose parents want them closer to home and they live two hours away. This is insane.

Mom: He'll be too close to home. I don't want him so close that he can just come home at the drop of a hat.
Me: Ha ha ha...like me...I can't stink up the house with a months worth of dirty laundry.
Mom: I miss you...you're too far away...I wish you were closer.
Me: Wait, so you want me closer, but him farther away?
Mom: Yep, pretty much...

Empty nest and menopause...wow.

My Whole family has started using the word 'monkey' as a curse word/threat towards each other. It started with my brother this last summer when I was yelling at him about something and he turned around in his room grabbed a monkey figurine and brandished it towards me yelling "OH YEAH!? WELL, MONKEY!" OK...so we started 'monkey'-ing each other. It's even gone so far as to require one to be holding a monkey in order to 'monkey' another individual. It's come down to hiding monkey's in different places...I duct taped one to the hood of his car before I left home at Christmas, I've found the damn things in my bed, outside my door and even in my e-mail (best one was one I sent one of a monkey's ass to my brother with the title/caption reading 'Guess what?/Monkey Butt!") Anyway, this is really stupid because we do it in public too. Someone also started hiding one of these stupid monkeys in the nativity scene on top of our piano. One minute you have an ox and a lamb, the next it's ox, lamb and monkey. Then suddenly the monkey would disappear (my mom and I would take it away) then it would pop back up, this time beside the baby Jesus. We are soooo burning in hell....we are sooooooooooooo going to hell for this.....

My friend Christie got stuck on a conversation involving little people at dinner one night. She comes from a small backwater town in KY called Whitesburg. And rightfully so! She had never met a gay person, black person, lesbian, jewish etc. before she came to school in the fall of 2003. She is VERY Politially incorrect.....

"So if you're a midget, and you did midget porn, would your---you know---be midgetile too?"

She asked this question of Tyler, who happened to show up to our table at exactly the wrong moment. Why Tyler would know about this I'm not quite sure....Secondly, why are we discussing Midget porn at dinner, much less the size of their endowments? and lastly, MIDGETILE? What the fuck? She's making words up!

My Friend Emily has more than her fair share of stupid comments. I am stupid enough to write them down. Stupid? Bored? it's amazing how often those two traits coincide....yes, I'm a Pirates of the Caribbean fan....

Anyway, so Emily says stupid shit at dinner....go figure.

One night we got to talking about how some people she knows are/will be/ might be dating. JW and Cassie, and Nick and a young woman named Jayna...who apparently is the apple of every young mans eye in the famous Sullivan Hall.

Anyway, she says...

"Cassie and JW are....and Nick and Jayna might be...."

Are? Might be? What?

Here's the list I compiled....

Green
Purple
Frozen
Brocolli
Hot
Dead
Q-Tips
Crayons
Markers
Napkins
Forks
Sporks
Stupid
Reading
Smart
Loud
Duct Tape
Chapstick

Apparently none of these words filled the blank properly as the word she was going for was 'dating'. I hate word games.

On that same evening she and I were discussing study habits and how she goes up to 'Andy's' room. Yes, this is the same Andy that illicited the now famous 'Tough Noogies' rant where I told people to get out of my Fucking Kitchen. Well, apparently Emily goes up to Andy's room sometimes to study (which she knows she shouldn't do but does anyway. I really am going to baricade that kids door w/ Barbed wire and freakin sit there with a shot gun.) Anyway so I asked why she didn't stay in her room or go somewhere else....why did she always have to go to his room? Her response---

"My roommate is in my room and she makes noise and has her boyfriend up there and stuff, and there are too many people in the halland there's really no where where you can study where you don't see people....and there's no study room in Sullivan. I mean, I guess I could go to the computer room but that's just so.....LONELY."

Oh my fucking God are you kidding me? Yes, she just said she has to go to this kids room (which he's usually not in anyway) because the other places are too busy....I don't understand people anymore...it still makes my head hurt to think about it....I'm going to go take some pain killers....

Emily also eats Baby Carrots funny. She sticks them on the end of a fork and then does the bugs bunny number on them...nibbling them in little bits. Our friend Amy did a great impression of it one night and Emily took slight offense to it, countering with...

"I don't just suck it...I use my tongue too."

Well, you can just imagine the stares we received on THAT one....especially when I tried to snort the baby carrot I was eating out my nose.....

OK, well I can't finish this list off without at least one stupid thing I've said. now I write most of the stupid things down on napkins from our school cafeteria as I don't carry a notebook with me 24/7 (contrary to popular belief) and I don't have THAT great a memory. So I'm looking over the napkins that I've collected with stupid anecdotes over the past week and blurt out to Emily (at the dinner table no less)

"Hey, I've got two napkins full of you"

Wow, that's not perverted...but they made it so.....

Hope you enjoy the wonderfully stupid things people say.

Ciao

God May Hate Fags, But Everyone Else Thinks You're a group of Assholes!

OK, so apparently I'm not the only one unimpressed with the Westboro Baptist Church of Kansas, a cult of complete morons who run around trying to convince the world that God hates fags, America, and Apple Pie.

Doc says "http://fifer.blogspot.com/"

The Reverend Fred Phelps is a nutball. Let's just start out with that. Apparently God descended into Topeka, Kansas (why? There's nothing in Kansas) and had a discussion with his buddy Fred over latte's and sunflower seeds. What else do you do in Kansas? Anyway, I guess while they were having their lovely little chat, God brought up the fact that he hates Gays, Lesbians, America, and...Sweden? Well, apparently being gay is condemned in the bible....OK.....And apparently, if you enable someone to be gay, then you yourself are gay and therefore God hates you. Wow. Someone needs to get off the LSD.

Now, I went to Palmer High School in Colorado Springs, Colorado. What good ever came out of good old PHS? Well, Elvira graduated from my High School (I'm so proud) and Lance Armstrong apparently nearly flunked out. Two Classmates of mine and a few upperclassmen murdered another classmate of mine in the name of the People's republic of Guyana (?). Yeah, I'm so proud. Other than that Palmer turns out a healthy amount of druggies, rapists, murderers and morons who are convinced that they are smart. Mixed in here are the plethora of gays that wandered the halls. I graduated in 2003. In 2004 Palmer wanted to start a Gay/Straight Alliance. Not that we needed a GSA....we were VERY tolerant. Right down to girls coming to Prom in tuxedos, having shaved heads and being otherwise, well...butch. But with the wave of popularity following the Gay/Straight Alliance clubs, apparently the administration thought we could use one. District thought otherwise, as did many of the religious groups in town, including, my favorite, Focus on the Family. District 11 cut funding for all clubs not based in academia. Meaning all social and athletic clubs lost funding and support. They could no longer meet into he buildings on our campus nor could they technically advertise for club meetings with flyers. Yes, District 11 is run by monkeys.

So apparently good Old PHS gained National attention in the Gay community with the absolute failure of the Gay Straight Alliance.

Enter Westboro.

Apparently my High School is a breeding ground of sinners and fags (really?!?) and apparently Westboro wanted to come and show my alma matter how wrong and socially deviant we really were.

So they file a protest permit for between 50 and 100 fellow morons and decide to protest at my High School. PHS is in the MIDDLE OF DOWNTOWN Colorado Springs. There's no missing it. Here's your geography. Palmer is at the North East corner of Nevada and Platte Avenues. In the center of the intersection is William Palmer (founder of the city). He gets crashed into occasionally, and the horse he sits upon constantly has his balls painted to match the school colors of the team that wins the first home game against our school...Go figure. On the North West corner sits Hardees, South East is a little used Gas station and South West is Acacia Park, home to druggies and homeless dudes alike. Palmer has a large concrete sidewalk and gathering area outside the front doors. Apparently this area belongs to the city and not the school. So the Protest Permit is filed and the location is in front of the high school. 100 people can fit there...But it wouldn't be comfy.

My brother says they told the kids about the protest, told them not to be afraid (apparently Westboro is full of lawyers and they know how far they can go to push people into violence against them and then file suit against 'the offenders') Anyway, they told the kids to act normal. So they pull the buses into a special location and and file the kids through the tunnel that goes under the street to our 'girls gym' (it's an old school, we're not sexist). They gave the kids donuts as part of their 'kindness week' and then kept them inside. All doors were blocked except the back ones that kids had to exit through in order to walk the block to the 'big gym'. So my brother and his partners in crime exit out the back, cross the street, get off school property and walk around the building to where they can watch the 100 or so protesters that are picketing the building.

100 looks suspiciously like 12. My brother says that there were maybe 12 people out there, some of them children, picketing our building with signs that said "God hates Fags", "Fags eat Feces" (points for alliteration, but none for wisdom) "God hates the ACLU" (the very organization giving them the right to protest outside a high school), "God Hates the USA", and "God Hates You." My brother and his friends are unimpressed. They are repulsed by the five and eleven year olds carrying signs saying "God Hates Fags" and my brother is about to kill the woman who is standing on an American flag with the sign proclaiming that God Hates the USA.

Then they look around.

On the other three corners are more than 500 citizens of Colorado Springs loudly telling the social retards outside my high school where they can shove their signs. My brother says that most of the signs had bible quotes on them...The best reading "Judge not lest ye be judged; condemn not lest ye be condemned" (I'm sorry if the words are messed up, but I'm not well versed in the Bible.) There's hope for the world yet.

Apparently, inside the school there was an awe inspiring show of support for Gay kids. One young man even sported a bright pink shirt that said "Gay for a Day" (my brother said the kid could have a market cornered) and that "big Calvin" the 350 lb. Football player who can't run five steps w/o getting winded was wrapped in a neon pink feather boa. Says my Brother "Big Calvin is straight, but if he was Gay, and you saw him...Would you mess with him? I think not...."

Thank You Palmer High School....For finally doing something upstanding. And thank you for not having this shit happen while I was there because this is my opinion on the whole situation.

The idiot congregation of Westboro needs to get a life. They need to quit butting into everyone else's affairs, stop protesting at funerals of people who were viciously murdered by scum sucking bastards that don't have balls enough to pick on someone who can/would fight back. If they were really special and important, they wouldn't have to protest outside a high school, they wouldn't have to protest outside colleges. If they hate the United States so much, why don't they all leave? I've got news for them, the United States hates them too. And lets think logically about this....If God really hates us, why is it their business? Won't we figure it out anyway in the end? And if they're the only ones going to heaven, won't that just leave more elbow room for them? If they'd done that shit while I was there, the cops would have had to Mace me....Taser me.....Cuff me....It angers me that the city could let those morons protest outside a high school! But I'm vastly impressed with the amount of people who showed up to tell those ass holes off.

But wait, there's more....

Apparently the King of the Assholes, Rev. Fred...Friend of God and all that goodness, was shocked and amazed at the turnout supporting Gays. They're going to come back and protest outside City Hall, the Gay and Lesbian Fund and Focus on the Family...The same batch of morons who tried to convince the world that Sponge Bob was gay, that the Girl Scouts worship Satan and that Harry Potter teaches Children Satanism, witchcraft and will have them chanting spells for eternity.

This is what the C.Springs paper had to say "http://www.gazette.com/display_search.php?id=1306452&table=story_archive&sec=2"

Can we PLEASE kill off the morons? They're breathing my air.....I'm so tired of their bullshit.

Oh, and I'd like to extend a warm invitation to Westboro to come to Kentucky. The women's Rugby Team has a use for tackle dummies. I don't think the baby cops at this place could stop me from beating the hell out of you idiots....I don't care if that is what you want...I'd gladly oblige because....

God May hate Fags, but I hate you.....

The Future of America Part II

OK, So we've all seen the video of the kid from the Air Force Adademy Dancing. He's apparently made it all the way to CNN. Way to go!

This is a different video....I present you the future of America---these are the proud young men we put in charge of our million dollar aircraft.

http://www.collegehumor.com/?movie_id=124745

And these upstanding gentleman are the pride of Uncle Sam's Navy....or at least they will be when they grow up....Yes, they will be commanding our Navy carriers, Air Craft and nuclear submarines someday...

http://www.collegehumor.com/?movie_id=121722

Excuse me while I go jump from my ninth floor window.