Stupid shit people have said around me

OK, so people have a tendency to say stupid shit around me. Unfortunately for them I was blessed with the gift to record these utterances. Now you are equally blessed as you get to be enlightened by their stupid sayins as well.

My instructor today actually said the words "Sweet Serendipity" in class. It's OK to laugh...the whole class was laughing too.

My Mom actually complained today that my brother was thinking about going to school too close to home. He's considering a school about 2 hours away. There are kids here whose parents want them closer to home and they live two hours away. This is insane.

Mom: He'll be too close to home. I don't want him so close that he can just come home at the drop of a hat.
Me: Ha ha ha...like me...I can't stink up the house with a months worth of dirty laundry.
Mom: I miss you...you're too far away...I wish you were closer.
Me: Wait, so you want me closer, but him farther away?
Mom: Yep, pretty much...

Empty nest and menopause...wow.

My Whole family has started using the word 'monkey' as a curse word/threat towards each other. It started with my brother this last summer when I was yelling at him about something and he turned around in his room grabbed a monkey figurine and brandished it towards me yelling "OH YEAH!? WELL, MONKEY!" OK...so we started 'monkey'-ing each other. It's even gone so far as to require one to be holding a monkey in order to 'monkey' another individual. It's come down to hiding monkey's in different places...I duct taped one to the hood of his car before I left home at Christmas, I've found the damn things in my bed, outside my door and even in my e-mail (best one was one I sent one of a monkey's ass to my brother with the title/caption reading 'Guess what?/Monkey Butt!") Anyway, this is really stupid because we do it in public too. Someone also started hiding one of these stupid monkeys in the nativity scene on top of our piano. One minute you have an ox and a lamb, the next it's ox, lamb and monkey. Then suddenly the monkey would disappear (my mom and I would take it away) then it would pop back up, this time beside the baby Jesus. We are soooo burning in hell....we are sooooooooooooo going to hell for this.....

My friend Christie got stuck on a conversation involving little people at dinner one night. She comes from a small backwater town in KY called Whitesburg. And rightfully so! She had never met a gay person, black person, lesbian, jewish etc. before she came to school in the fall of 2003. She is VERY Politially incorrect.....

"So if you're a midget, and you did midget porn, would your---you know---be midgetile too?"

She asked this question of Tyler, who happened to show up to our table at exactly the wrong moment. Why Tyler would know about this I'm not quite sure....Secondly, why are we discussing Midget porn at dinner, much less the size of their endowments? and lastly, MIDGETILE? What the fuck? She's making words up!

My Friend Emily has more than her fair share of stupid comments. I am stupid enough to write them down. Stupid? Bored? it's amazing how often those two traits coincide....yes, I'm a Pirates of the Caribbean fan....

Anyway, so Emily says stupid shit at dinner....go figure.

One night we got to talking about how some people she knows are/will be/ might be dating. JW and Cassie, and Nick and a young woman named Jayna...who apparently is the apple of every young mans eye in the famous Sullivan Hall.

Anyway, she says...

"Cassie and JW are....and Nick and Jayna might be...."

Are? Might be? What?

Here's the list I compiled....

Green
Purple
Frozen
Brocolli
Hot
Dead
Q-Tips
Crayons
Markers
Napkins
Forks
Sporks
Stupid
Reading
Smart
Loud
Duct Tape
Chapstick

Apparently none of these words filled the blank properly as the word she was going for was 'dating'. I hate word games.

On that same evening she and I were discussing study habits and how she goes up to 'Andy's' room. Yes, this is the same Andy that illicited the now famous 'Tough Noogies' rant where I told people to get out of my Fucking Kitchen. Well, apparently Emily goes up to Andy's room sometimes to study (which she knows she shouldn't do but does anyway. I really am going to baricade that kids door w/ Barbed wire and freakin sit there with a shot gun.) Anyway so I asked why she didn't stay in her room or go somewhere else....why did she always have to go to his room? Her response---

"My roommate is in my room and she makes noise and has her boyfriend up there and stuff, and there are too many people in the halland there's really no where where you can study where you don't see people....and there's no study room in Sullivan. I mean, I guess I could go to the computer room but that's just so.....LONELY."

Oh my fucking God are you kidding me? Yes, she just said she has to go to this kids room (which he's usually not in anyway) because the other places are too busy....I don't understand people anymore...it still makes my head hurt to think about it....I'm going to go take some pain killers....

Emily also eats Baby Carrots funny. She sticks them on the end of a fork and then does the bugs bunny number on them...nibbling them in little bits. Our friend Amy did a great impression of it one night and Emily took slight offense to it, countering with...

"I don't just suck it...I use my tongue too."

Well, you can just imagine the stares we received on THAT one....especially when I tried to snort the baby carrot I was eating out my nose.....

OK, well I can't finish this list off without at least one stupid thing I've said. now I write most of the stupid things down on napkins from our school cafeteria as I don't carry a notebook with me 24/7 (contrary to popular belief) and I don't have THAT great a memory. So I'm looking over the napkins that I've collected with stupid anecdotes over the past week and blurt out to Emily (at the dinner table no less)

"Hey, I've got two napkins full of you"

Wow, that's not perverted...but they made it so.....

Hope you enjoy the wonderfully stupid things people say.

Ciao