Blog Fodder

So someone actually came up with 32 ways to jumpstart a sex life.....I think mines beyond hope...I'm in need of a full sex life overhaul...but we'll see what this idjit has to say....

1.) Start the Action anywhere except the bedroom.
Well, I guess it makes sense...the description says that the same places lead to the the same patterns.....I don't have much to say against that....

2.) COMPLIMENT HER.
Der.....They need a website to tell guys this shit...man the human race is so hosed.

3.) GO CANOEING OR HIKING. Add a distinct but manageable touch of danger to the day. It will stimulate dopamine in her brain, which may trigger her sex drive
You know, I've done the whole hiking canoeing thing and never felt a touch of danger nor did I feel horny afterwards....usually I just felt tired and sweaty and didn't want to do anything except eat and sleep.

4.) WATCH PORN WITH THE SOUND OFF . . . Sure, you'll miss the snappy plumber-housewife banter. But now you two provide the dialogue. You'll learn how to talk erotically, so it's educational. But it's also fun, you're both invested in it, and it can help reveal fantasies.
Are you kidding me? Porn is educational? when a guy tells me that, Hell has frozen over and I am in it.

5.) . . . OR SEE A CHICK FLICK. Maybe porn isn't her thing. But Pitt, Clooney, or McConaughey might be, and for her, these guys are porn, Brame says. She'll be fantasizing about a man who's sweet and will treat her well. And when he kisses the flirty female lead, you kiss your lady at the same time. Show her that reality--her life--can be better than that.
Once again, if we're paying 7.50 a piece for a movie you had damn well better be watching it and, if Pitt, Clooney and McConaughey are porn then you had better be taking page after page of fucking notes..... And if you kiss me while he's kissing her, I'll probably slap you because you're disrupting my porno....I mean, how would you feel if I stood in front of your porno and blocked the view?

6.) FEED HER BLACK LICORICE. Bring it along when you're watching the Clooney flick. Black licorice has been shown to speed up her genital bloodflow by 40 percent
Foiled again...I can't stand licorice

7.)CRAFT FANTASIES. Some Saturday afternoon when you're feeling frisky, pour wine and divide 10 3x5 cards between you and your mate. Each of you writes down five sexual fantasies while the wine loosens your inhibitions. Then head out to a restaurant, where you can get a booth and some privacy in a public setting. Over dinner and more wine, pull out the cards and discuss. You'll feel filthy discussing this stuff in hushed voices in a public place, which is exactly the point. Your goal: Make three piles--"yes," "maybe someday," and "not on your life." Put the possibles in a shoe box, and once a month (she feels sexiest before she ovulates), pull a winner. Any necessary planning--you can't go with just any football player/cheer- leader outfits--heightens the anticipation, Cadell says.
Who the hell has time for this shit?

8.) EXPLORE NEW REGIONS. You've heard about her nipples and vagina? Good. Now spend some time on the back of her neck. It's a brave new world of nerve endings, so gentle caressing and kissing are all that's needed. The base of her spine is sensation central, as well. Or gently stroke and kiss her belly just above the pubic hairline.
I love the line that starts this one out....it slays me. If a guy wants sex then he damn well better have heard about the nipples and vagina...the other stuff is good info for men.....they seem to forget that there is more to the female anatomy than just tits and vagina....

9.) TAKE AN OVERNIGHT TRAIN. There are stimulators all around, from the dining car to the passing landscape, to trying to walk and balance a gin-and-tonic in the aisle. And there's also your sleeping compartment, your own special sex-womb-with-a-view. It's a new place, and it moves, which adds a new dynamic. And it's somewhat public; there'll be new excitement when you're in flagrante delicto and the train stops, and people are outside your window
Not only no, but hell no......trains are not sexy unless we're talking orient express...they're dirty most times and very few have sleeper cars anymore.

10.) SPEND A NIGHT IN TIBET. Try the Yab-Yum position, which is how they talk dirty in Asia. You both sit up, and she faces you, sitting on your lap with a pillow under her bottom, for easier penetration. You'll have constant contact with her clitoris, but she'll control the pressure. Move slowly. "The emotional connection makes it intense
There's an emotional connection when it comes to sex? Shit.

11.) INVITE HER TO DITCH HER UNDERWEAR DURING DINNER. The naked secret you now share will linger through dessert,
This can go one of two places....either she'll invite you to sleep on the couch after dinner, or they draft will linger through desert because damn...that's just weird....oh, and how come it's the chick that's always got to do this crap?

12.) TALK IN PUBLIC. Lie on a blanket in a park, with people all around, and whisper your fantasies to one another, sparing no detail. You'll create sexual tension, but there's safety because there's no possibility of sex then and there.
Why do you have to talk about sex? and how come it always LOOKS like the two people on the blanket are having sex when you see them at teh park?

13.) TAKE HER TO AN ETHNIC RESTAURANT IN A NEW PART OF TOWN. Dopamine is an ideal sex lubricant, and in any new experience, the jets are on. When walking in unfamiliar territory, put your arm around her. There's the thrill of the unknown, but you're guiding her through it--a potent mix. "It might make her want to have sex with you,"
It might also make her want to kick your ass for putting her in a bad situation.

14.) VISIT THE EROTICA SECTION OF THE BOOKSTORE. That in itself will fuel your imaginations. Make some purchases, then read them to each other. You'll discover new interests that, amazingly, never came up when you were buying garden supplies.
Because Garden supplies are just such a turn on.....

15.) USE FRAGRANCE FOR FOREPLAY. Spray a touch of the cologne she loves on the sheets. A study by Indiana University found that women who fantasized while smelling a popular men's cologne were more aroused than when smelling women's cologne or a neutral odor.
Oh baby oh baby...your sweat socks are just SUCH a turn on...I can't get enough of that stench.---Yeah, I like it when I talk dirty too.

16.) LEAVE HOME. Plan a trip without the kids, because Mom and Dad must also be husband and wife.
I know PLENTY of College, High school and middle school kids who can defy that one.

17.)THROW THE TV OUT OF THE BEDROOM. It sucks up time, makes you zone out, and takes focus away from what the room is for, Wiley says.
What? Sorry......I was busy watching The Surreal Life....what did you want?

18.) CLIMB TO ONE PEAK AT A TIME. Some couples feel pressure to reach orgasm at the same moment. But that's like coordinating Patriots and Red Sox championships in the same year: nice when it happens, but improbable. So on a night when you're both primed to try something different, resolve to go for one orgasm at a time, without intercourse. As a gentleman, you'll insist that she go first, naturally. It will take some practice--and lots of moaned instructions--to get the manual stimulation or oral timing just right. Which can only be good. Focusing on her solo pleasure will teach you useful lessons to employ the next time you strive for the Lombardi trophy together.
Firstly, The BoSox suck balls. That's not a turn on at all...that's going to land you on the couch....no, fuck the couch...that's gonna land you on the door step. Secondly, how come the chick has to give instructions!?!

19.) EXPERIENCE THE CUBAN PLUNGE. "¿Queín es eso?" you ask, in junior-high-school Spanish. It's sex with a three-chili rating. Here's how you do it: As you assume the man-on-top position, ask her to bring her knees to her chest and drape her legs over your shoulders. Her vagina will be elongated and extended, and your penetration will be deeper and more pleasurable for her, which qualifies as a win-win situation. "You can feel intense friction against her genital area with each thrust,"
Because that's sexy...and hey....you know...once again the chick is doing the weird shit with her body.

20.) KISS FOR 12 SECONDS. As a relationship ages, pecks on the cheek become the default, and they're about as erotic as a pair of baggy sweatpants. A long, lingering smooch reintroduces you to each other. Give her two a day: one in the morning before one of you leaves, and one as soon as you're both home. Mouths open. Arms around each other. "If you kiss like that for the rest of your lives, passion will never fade,"
At some point people are going to start counting down teh daily 12 second kiss....and what do you mean baggy sweatpants aren't erotic? Why the HELL don't people tell me these things?

21.) ADD A SIDE OF POLYNESIA. During oral sex, don't head straight for her clitoris. Try the Tahitian Method instead. Lie perpendicular to her and move your tongue back and forth over the hood of her clitoris. You'll be able to work both sides, Paget says. (Yes, there are two sides to the clitoris. More on that soon.) To receive immediate feedback, place your middle finger on her perineum, the quarter-size spot just below her vagina. When you're working the right place, the perineum will involuntarily contract. Isn't that helpful?
THe only thing that could possibly make this work for a guy is pictures a play by play guide and numbers so he knows where to put everythign....wait, he'd still fuck it up.....and even with detailed instructions like that he's bound to fuck up, get bored and just go back to what's usual.

22.) ASK FOR DIRECTIONS. As you now know, the clitoris has two sides, so ask, "Do you like it on the left or the right?" ....Either she knows and will appreciate your sensitivity, or she doesn't, and now you've given her a new path to happiness. Plus, the question makes her feel more comfortable with giving you feedback.
I'm not going to give feed back.....and I don't think his asking is sensitive.....I think, once again, the chick has to do the work....if you truly want to show me a path to happiness, you'll get to work and shut up.

23.) CLEAN OUT THE CLOSET. She keeps saying it needs to be done, so start doing it together and then tackle her in there, on top of the out-of-season clothes you're going to wash anyway. The room is stocked with ties, blindfolds, costumes, and a healthy air of 4.16-androstadien-3-one--a chemical in your sweat, hair, and skin. It's a potent arousal mechanism, according to a study at the University of California at Berkeley, and your clothes are saturated with it. When she reaches the peak of her androstadien madness, have her put on that blouse she hasn't worn in 5 years, and finally give it some purpose by ripping it off. "Most women want to be ravaged by the men they love," Cadell says.
You tackle me in the closet, I'm going to beat you with a shoe. And, didn't a tell you before that your sweat socks were a turn on? What's up with this contradiction shit? Before it was your cologne, and now it's your sweat? What the fuck?!?!?!?!?!

24.) GO PICASSO ON HER. Buy a half-inch camel-hair paintbrush at the art-supply store, dip it in chocolate sauce, and use it to adorn her stomach or thighs--or paint a long line down her back and buttocks. Remove however you see fit. If she'd prefer to be her own O'Keeffe, have her paint sequential numbers on her body where she wants to be touched. Find your way in order by using your fingertips and mouth. Accounting was never this much fun.
No and No....because after we're done I'M THE ONE that's going to have to clean something up and do laundry.

25.) BUY HER SOMETHING. It doesn't have to big. Just take her out, discover her wishes, indulge, pay. It's the Pretty Woman fantasy, but this time, you're Richard Gere. "
However, buying me shit is not a guaranteed one way ticket to sex....so wrong again.

26.) USE A CHIN REST. Nothing jumpstarts her like oral sex, so we'll venture some more advice: Put one pillow under her hips and another under your chest. Her lower back will be more relaxed, and it'll be easier for her to adjust her knees and legs, allowing for more sensation. Rest your chin on your fist, with your pinkie down, and use a finger to put pressure on the bottom of the opening of her vagina to heighten the sensation, Paget says. All good for her.
More detailed instructions that guys still won't be able to follow....go figure.

27.) WRITE HER A LETTER. One that does not involve a laser printer or an e-mail address. You want this to come straight from the heart. Write what you feel, but the ruling sentiment should be one of gratitude and confidence in your future together. Then, lick a stamp and mail it to her. She'll feel valued and special, and not just because you're supporting the postal service, which keeps the country working. "When a woman feels desired, she'll feel desirous," Wiley says.
Again, not that it's a guarantee to sex...we'll probably just think you're nuts.

28.) TRY SOMETHING NEW DURING PENETRATION. Rather than the old in-and-out, try rotation: It'll make for a different kind of clitoral stimulation, Paget says. And the absence of thrusting will help you last longer.
Hear that guys? There's a direction besides 'in and out'.....once again....guys have a one track mind and with that a one way hip action.

29.) SWIM. Bodies feel good in the water. You're semiclothed and you're in public, so it only goes so far, but you can play under the surface, which adds tension, Brame says. A late-night skinny dip in the ocean means fewer clothes and a little more danger, pumping up the dopamine levels. Throw a blanket down when you crawl ashore: Sand hurts.
Yes, bodies feel good in water...I'll admit, I find swimming to be relaxing and, if in the right kind of water (not pool water) very--dare I say it---erotic. However....a late night skinny dip in the ocean is not sexy.....we've all seen Jaws and how THAT horny skinny dipper ended up. And the blanket thing at the end....sounds liek someone is talkign from experience.........

30.) TALK BIG ABOUT THE FUTURE. You know her dreams--children, a beach house, season tickets to the Steelers--so tell her your plans to give her that and more. You're touching a primal desire and emphasizing your long-term commitment. "Women like to be provided for," Fisher says.
Or you're weirding us out......

31.) EXPERIMENT WITH BETTER GROOMING. That is, trim each other's pubic hair until it's just right. You're making some smooth skin, which is much more pleasing for the 12-second kisses. But it also makes for fun in the shower. It's slow and methodical, but it also allows for some power-playing. She has the razor; she has control. And you determine, with her help, just how bare she's willing to go.
That's right mother fucker...I have the razor and unless you watch it....I can take your balls off right here, right now......

32.) GO AHEAD AND STARE. Lavish praise on the lilies and you'll be invited back to the garden. So concentrate on a favorite body part and talk about how beautiful she is. "Make her feel sexy by thinking and saying she's sexy," Fisher says.
Guys already know this one...they do it at Bars all the time....why did this even make the list?

Anyway...so now that I"m done with that I'm goign to go head off to bed...the same bed I fell out of last night because I'm a freak and accidentally lost track of the edge of my twin size bed....nearly cracked my skull open on teh dresser too.....

I also get to contemplate why my life sucks.....mom says I'm only like this (bitchy about romance and stuff) because (basically) "I'm not getting any." FOr once, The woman is probably right...but I don't care. It just seems that everytime I turn around someone is making out and it's cheesey.

case 1.) My brother and his girlfriend were going out, I go outside to relay a message(post work) in my scrubby pj bottoms and a hoodie to find them still in the drive way with her tongue down his throat. My rather loud "HEY!" makes them come up for air at which point she responds "He wouldn't be quiet." Yes, and putting your tongue down his throat is the best way to make him stop.

Case 2.) Watchign Big Brother the other night, Micheal made possibly the world's cheesiest move on Janelle with his 'spiderman' question/kiss. Gag me.

Case 3.) Average Joe....how many dudes did that chick suck face with? Barf....everytime mom switched the channel it seemed the same chick was kissing a different guy.....in Kentucky, we call that a Wanda...simply because of the whore that does that exact thing at Parties.

Anyway, I'm going to bed cuz my happy ass has to work tomorrow.

But hey, at least it's PAY DAY!

Enjoy your weekend.

Nee Nee and Friends travel to Ye Olde Faire

Sunday July 24th was a day I was REALLY looking forward to.

My day off.....

The Renaissance Festival....

Irish/Scottish/Celtic Weekend

Can you say 'woo hoo', cuz I sure Can.

Anyway, so I got a group of people together and we all went up to the fair. Now perhaps I should warn you that I do go to the fair in a wench costume. Boobs up, long skirts....yeah.....

I forget how we got started on our conversation in the car, but suddenly it was about sex.
And somehow my friend Tasha is avoiding saying the word 'screw'.

Erin: Ha ha ha----she can't say screw.
me: Yeah, it's agaisnt her morals or something like that.
Tasha: I can too say it....I can say fuck.

I'm laughing so hard, my bodice is preparing to split.

I love my friends.

So I get up there and on entering the fair several of the people working the fair are actually commenting on my clothes---"You look lovely, M'lady", "Wonderful costume, M'lady." etc. Etc....I like being complimented.

So we run around for a while while our other friends find their way into the fair and to us. This is the point I find out that Sara and Tiffany have come armed with Blue RIbbons. Blue ribbons being for the men that are 'ballsy' enough to wear a kilt properly.....pun intended.

So we're watching the Highland games and Tiffany approaches her first two victims of the day...a hot guy and an older dude.

Tiffany: "Hey, do you guys want a blue ribbon?"
Old Guy (with scottish accent): "A Blue ribbon, what's it for?"
Young Guy(also with scottish accent) : "Yeah, what do we have to do to get this blue ribbon?"
Tiffany: "Well, the blue ribbons are for the guys wearing Kilts that are wearing them properly, so are you guys wearing your kilts properly?"
Young Guy: "And how is it we wear our kilts properly?"
Tiffany: "Nothing underneath"
Old Guy: "Of course we aren't wearing anything underneath...what kind of Scotsman doesn't wear his kilt properly?"
Young Guy: "So do we get your blue ribbon now?"
Tiffany: "Well....can you prove it?"
Young guy: "By all means...."

and at this he juts his hips slightly forward and says "Alright girly, get on your knees and check..."

I don't think Tiffany actually thought these guys would go for it, but they did and down she went and up she looked and two blue ribbons she bestowed upon our scotsmen.

Young Guy: "I think I'm going to tie it...."
Old Guy: "No you're not, how're you going to...."
Chick with two guys: "You've got to tie a bell about it if you do..."

And so for the rest of the day, Young Guy walked around the fair, a blue ribbon tied to his happy place, a jingle bell to the other end...constantly ringing between his knees.

I love scotsmen.

So we wandered and made it back for the joust, all the while looking for more prey.

At the joust, we sat at the bad guys' side and screached loudly at the good guys.

At one point, Tiffany (who's quickly becoming the heroine of our trip) yells out "Go home to your mommy and cry!" at which point Sir Micheal, lord of whitehall (good guy) responds (and he's microphoned) "Cry? Cry? THere's no crying in jousting!"

I love the Ren Faire.

So Sara and Tasha go to look for Corsets....and actually find some that they like. Our reaction as they're getting laced in is "damn." Repeatedly, the word "Damn." is uttered. We agree to go back to the corset shop later because we want to go watch Ded Bob. In watching Ded Bob, we see our next bit of prey. Sara leads the sheep to the slaughter and I take photographs of the slaughter.


Sara convinces Tasha to "Kilt Inspect" however Tasha chickens out before she has to look. She however takes the guys' word that he's a true scotsman and awards the blue ribbon. But he wants it tied on by the lady.....so Tasha hangs it limply over the leather strap about his waist. I tell her to tie a proper knot...and she obliges....all the while I'm taking pictures.

Now, the funny thing is that only when I got home and uploaded images did I realize this guy is wearing the staff rosette and that he had a wedding ring on......oops.

Tasha Blue ribboned a Married Rennie.....ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ......

We wait for the procession to pass and Sara and I have been staring at teh two fully armored body guards all day. Not that they're really that hot, just the fact that they're in full armomr...that makes them hot.

They're staring at our merry band of lusty wenches and I say, "It's a pity they aren't attired properly or we could award them a blue ribbon..." Let's just say they're heads sort of craned around in that armor as we walked away.

So then we go up the hill to Puke and Snot....whose show hasn't changed in ten years.

Tiffany, who's forgotten to take her medicine, goes through a fifteen minute bout of ADD pre-show.

We see a kid dressed as Zelda and Sara says she'd hug the dork if he came down...

Tiffany: "HEY ZELDA! IF YOU COME DOWN HERE, SHE'LL HUG YOU!"
Sara: "Thanks Tiff."

Zelda actually gets suckered into coming down to get a hug from a corseted Sara. PRobably made the poor kids wet dream....

Tiffany: "Who else wants hugs? ANybody else?"

Some drunk guy comes down and says "Sure, I'd love one!" Tiffany asks him which one of us he'd like to hug.

"I get to chose? All of them!" so drunk boy ends up hugging four of us.

Tiffany then decides to start the wave.

The show starts and her ADD ends.

Puke and Snot actualy changed up the beginning of their show. At one point, Puke says
"Reality is a situation only created by a lack of good alcohol."

I like it....maybe cuz it's true.

So we continue to shop, we continue to kilt hunt...and look for sharp pointy objects.

We return to the corset place because they've convinced me that I need one. Erin also tries one on.

So they lace me in and I'll admit, I'm already endowed with a rather large rack.....but put me in a corset and suddenly....

"Holy Shit! You could eat off that!"
"Renee, you've got a shelf!"
"Damn."

Yes, the Girls got turned into Ladies as the shop keeper said and by god they were sitting tall and pretty the rest of the day.

Erin likes the corset, but doesn't have enough cash to purchase one...so she calls home to see if she can convince her parents to return the next weekend or to loan her the cash to buy it then.

We only hear Erin's side of the conversation but realize that Mr. Hunt (of Snickers Sex Police officer fame) is not happy about this idea. Erin doesn't get a corset, but I do.

The girls at the fair in full corseted glory.

At one point one of the staffers who is portraying a history teacher looks at me and my newly hoisted rack and says "M'lady, you are a very welcome sight for very sore eyes."

Ha, old dudes slay me.

So we all return to the joust for the 'joust to the death' and we, of course, sit on teh side reserved for the children of mayhem and misdeeds.

Tiffany is still yelling obscene things at the knights and getting laughed at by people around us.
Sara is still looking for a kilt I can inspect because I refuse to inspect anyone who's married, ugly, old or who even remotely looks attached or like jailbait.

OUr final mission fails...I do not end up inspecting anyone's kilts.....but that's ok because I had a blast at the Ren Faire.

As we exit, Sara and I have our pictures taken with the two knights playing the body guards of the King. One of them says "So who's taking me home?" Sara responds with "Actually , we were both going to take you guys home...."
The cuter of the two tells us that even though his wife is in charge of the wenching league, he doesn't think she'd be appreciative of his being kidnapped...the other guy is all for it though.

We return to the Springs and Erin begs me to drop her off first to show her parents the corset....Probably not the best idea in the world, but I'll go along with it....as we come through the door Mr. Hunt it standing in the living room and says

"You woke me up from my nap because you just HAD to talk to your mother because you just had to have money for WHAT?!?!"
"Hi Daddy....."

Whoops...maybe I shouldn't have come in.....but I guess I passed inspection....Erin still isn't getting a corset.

So ended our trip to the Colorado Rennaissance festival....I love the fair....men in skirts, and of course my wonderful friends who make my adventures so noteable.

I have not yet begun to Rant

Geese suck. Especially the ones at the Broadmoor.

I've come to the conclusion in the four weeks I've been working there that geese were created in Satan's image...that they are indeed his minions on earth and are here to spread petulance and plague upon us all.

Goose shit is not friendly to humans. According to http://www.canadagoosemanagement.com/FAQ.html
"Links to human populations are continuing to be discovered. Geese impact peoples lives by helping to create conditions that encourage disease, viruses, and parasites to thrive, including: Cryptosporidiosis, Giardiasis, Salmonella, E. coli, Influenza A, Hypersensitivity Pneumonitis, and Chlamydia. "

E. Coli? Influenza? Chlamydia?!?!?! That's an STD! Holy shit!

Geese are evil....they look so sweet and innocent, floating gently on the lake during the day...but late at night when the groundskeepers are asleep in their beds the little bastards come out of the lake and take GIANT CRAPS on our sidewalk that goes from one hotel building to the other. And I'm not talking itty bitty goose turds...oh no....some mornings the bridge looks like a goose turd mine field. And I"m one of the lucky individuals on the magic goose poop patrol that gets to make the minefield go bye-bye.

My day starts at 6am when I clock in at work and collect my tools for the day. The first thing we do, my co-workers and I, is we drive out to our little bridge and see if we have any surprises from the Geese.

Some days there are none.

We've figured they can go as long as two days without taking monster craps on our bridge.

But on the third day....

On the third day we break out our sweepers, our buckets, our brooms and our hoses because the bastards have invaded and the bridge looks like a war zone.

I swear to God, Geese were frat boys in a past life. You can just hear the little shits---"Dude, that one's totally going to leave a stain! ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

We try to sweep the 'dry' droppings up and then dump them in our trash cans...but the 'wet' ones...well....that takes a hose or a pressure sprayer.

Yes, a pressure sprayer...by six thirty we're doing a serious hose down of the sidewalk and bridge. All the while room service people are heading to their first jobs and the suits and early birds are walking across the bridge cracking goose jokes.

"So, those birds are pretty nasty, eh?"
--No, asshole....this is from the party last night...the drunk asses decided to crap right here."

"I have a .22 pistol you could borrow."
--yeah, because a 22 is going to make a difference against one of these things.

One satisfying thing about the geese is that they do make a satisfying 'thwack/squeak/honk' sound when you give them a whack with a broom. It's sort of the grounds crew's version of golf.

I feel like Caddy-shack...you know? There's this evil critter out there whose soul purpose in life is to make my life a living hell.

I mean, the grounds crew is ready to open hunting season on the lake....stay up all night to keep them off the bridge. Buying wrist-rockets and hiding in the bushes to launch projectiles at the vermin. There's been discussions of laying car batteries in the ground and tossing live wires attached to the batteries into the lake so that we might see what a fried goose looks like.

The geese are planning mass destruction....

First the broadmoor lake....then Oregon....and soon....the WORLD!