SEX!!!!!....and chocolate

So the dorm has the tendency of doing this totally awesome program called sex and chocolate. Basically it's a way to accumulate insane numbers of condoms....as well as to infiltrate the enemy camps of the opposite gender and find out what really goes on in their heads regarding sex.

The first time I did this program was my freshman year. It was fantastic then. The next year Ali (my ever ready partner in crime) was getting hit on HARD by the host of the show in other dorms. So we got to go to other dorms and participate in the insanity.

This year we've had it marked on our calendars for weeks....we went down an hour early to stake out seats.

We're thouroughly serious expert sex and chocolateers.

So with an hour of dead time to sit on the couch we came up with eighteen questions just before the party even got started. Just by ourselves!

Now the idea of this program is to separate the males and females and to have each gender come up with a few sheets of questions for the opposite sex.

I wrote the better answers down for your enjoyment, because honestly, who should be left out of this hillariousness?

1.) Have you ever gone with or made out with a girl your buddies said 'no' to? Yes, but the guys that answered said that they kept it a secret.

2.) Have you ever fallen asleep during sex or while receiving head? Yes, but only because they were exhausted...no excuse in my book.

3.) Girl on top or Guy on top? Guys say being on top is a matter of control....when the girl is on top, it's a matter of giving the female more pleasure. Aren't they sweet to consider such things? bleh....

4.) Natural Girls (no make up/ earthy) or Girly girls (make up and always cute)? They said they prefer natural girls.....what they say and what they do certainly don't match up....

5.) Do you have a song that'll put you in the mood? The answer given was "Master of Puppets" by Metallica

6.) Baseball or sex? Would you watch baseball while having sex? The World Series only happens once a year, hopefully you have a steady girl who will be around afterwards...so it wouldn't be necessary to have sex during the game and she'll forgive you.--->Surprisingly enough this answer was given by the right honorable Fucktard...

7.) Guys masturbate whenever they feel like it. It takes one minute to get off...these were the answers given..I'm serious...I'm not making it up...they said it, I just wrote it down. The other comment made on the issue of masturbation was that they do it slow to savor it, and that sometimes they just need to get it done really quick when there's no time.

8.) They prefer it if you swallow...the exact words were "spitters are quitters"

9.) On the matter of open relationships there is a positive outlook. They don't honestly care what you do, as long as they're gettin' some too. However, they do not like the idea of sloppy seconds.

10.) Guys are in fact Chicken shits and will not admit to comparing their enowments....therefore they are not ashamed of being less endowed than their friends.

11.) There was a group in the study room separte from the program....they apparently like it Doggie style, as they were very vocal when this topic was brought up.

12.) Lingerie or nude? NAKED! They don't want to go through any work to get to what they want.

13.) Would you rather be in control in the bedroom, or the woman be in control? One answer was "Women, just because it's a nice break from the norm." BULLSHIT---this guy was obviously smoking a lot of something. The other answer was "A little bit of both, the bedroom should be an equal opportunity ruling place."

14.) Guys don't know anything about the prostate.

15.) Condom of choice varies....I'm thinking everyone is game for the free ones though.

16.) What is the best line you've ever used that's gotten you sex? "I just came straight out and asked her if she wanted to sleep with me and she said yes."<---That girl was far too easy...or stupid. "I don't use lines. I've just got game." <---I don't know who this guy was trying to kid, but we all decided that it's bullshit.

17.) Are you ashamed/are your feelings hurt if the girl giggles if you cum too soon? Yes..."We feel like they've let the girl down." Girls response "Well..that's cuz you have!"

18.) Have you ever compared penis size with other guys? Only two were brave enough to admit it....and then the one said that he'd never actually "compared" as in 'just whipped it out and showed it off' but had compared as in had talked about size.

19.) Circumcission is not an issue with them.

20.) Why do guys freak out when they find out a girl is a virgin? Stage fright...they don't want to scar her for life either one way or the other.

21.) Little or a Lot of foreplay? Guys said they don't care as long as it leads to sex.

22.) Guys do not expect to marry virgins.

23.) Ever fallen asleep during sex? Someone got ratted out on this one...their girlfriend actually said that he fell asleep during sex!

24.) Average amount of sex in a week? Guys said six times...actually that was just fucktard...the other guys were oddly silent.

25.) Why do guys talk about their girlfriend differently when they're with their buddies than they do than they do when they're around her? THis has to do with bragging rights and with guys trying not to get killed when they are around girls.

26.) Biting and Clawing? Guys like it..."battle scars are a plus"

27.) Underwear preference? None, but if it's absolutely necessary, thongs were mentioned as well as boy shorts, as well as "biscuits and gravey flavored edible drawers!"

28.) !!!!!NINE VIRGIN MALES!!!!!

29.) Fantasy sex spot for males? Stacie's Apartment (stacie being the RHC) Stacie says "Keep dreaming"

30.) Violent sex? There were mixed reviews on this.

31.) The phrase "oh god, oh god!" means what when a girl is yelling it during sex? Lyndsey said it means it's just that good...the other vote went to "Oh god...oh god, he sucks....i wish he'd jsut hurry up and get off...."

32.) What is the favored 'dress up' costume? Most of the guys present answered 'Nurse'. However, "princess leah in the gold bikini" was also mentioned and seconded.

33.) In and out or bump and grind? In and Out

34.) Most girls have had their yearly check ups.

35.) Best technique for giving head? Guys say they prefer hand and head at the same time, lots of tongue. However, "It doesn't matter as long as they're getting it."

36.) How many partners are too many? DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT! The girls said ten to a dirty dozen, however, the males said 'four' after hearing our generous number....bastards.

37.) Do you want a girl to be straight forward and tell you she wants to use you? Yes! They want to know if you want them to be a fuck buddy....so they expect the same amount of candidness as we expect from them.

38.) Girls were asked what the best technique for getting eaten out was. Lyndsey felt obliged to answer. "Fingers and tongue, because tongues aren't long enough." to which someone in the back said, "yeah, but what if I have one of these?" sticking out his tongue and revealing a tongue ring. Lyndsey said "oh, those are good...but a vibrating tongue ring is better." All the girls then turn to Fucktard and ask what the hell he's been doing.

39.) Guys not going twice in one night really pisses Lacie off....

40.) According to the girls, foreplay should last at least fifteen minutes. to which the guys responded "FIFTEEN MINUTES!?!?!?!?!"

41.) When asked why they always get tired after the girl goes down on them and they use that excuse as to why they won't reciprocate, they told us not to go first.

Ladies, now you know.

However....the fun does not stop with the end of the quesitons...oh no.

FOr those of us who are insane night owls, we sat up and talked about out night of raucaus laughter.

Lyndsey blew up a condom at one point and started annoying Robert with it.

Robert: You're fucking my ear with a condom.

Later, but not by much......Johnathan utters the fact that he "Smells like lube and sweat." Which is generally a sign that someone has been very very naughty.....but in actuality he's one of the nine virgins so that technically means nothing. The fact that he smelled of lube and sweat was simply becasue he had condom boobs.

Major league Tatas...bodacious yabos.....a killer rack...one way or the other, Johnathan had them.

Some other things uttered that evening by Johnathan..."I can't see myself"--to which Sara responded "Now you know what it's like." Girls with big boobs sometimes have issues seeing out, over and down to our feet...it's an issue we face everyday...condoms have given us equal opportunity experience for the guys...who'd a thunk?

We then decided that since Johnathan had major leauge tatas, that we just HAD to make him a cheer leader.

It brought us much joy and merriement, however, not so much as when Johnathan had a rather quick and sudden breast reduction....and then proceeded to 'lick' his own 'boobs.'

It was also Johnathan that stated.....

"Eggs-->yeah, they're the new sex toys for body builders-->they crack eggs on each othe rand suck them off."

We also asked how many of the three or four guys present had measured their own penis length....at which point they admitted they had at some point in their lives. We asked if the hand method was accurate....once again it was Johnathan who stepped up to the plate and informed the girls "The average guy can not do the windmill."

We were up to the small hours of the evening...the whole time I was taking pictures and writing down things people said.....

The last quote in my book is attributed to Josh. We'd somehow gotten on the subject of anal sex and he said...

"If I wanted sex with anything with crap in it, I'd have sex with a septic tank."

It was one o'clock before we went to bed.

We'd spent over four hours winning condoms.....blowing htem up, tormenting each other with them and acting like sixth graders....

We are college students...and we fear no condom....apparently we fear no topic either becasue we talked about EVERYTHING that night and even dabbled in slight bondage (we hand cuffed Johnathan). Yeah, if Johnathan isn't scarred for life by this chances are he'll be a little Necro by the end of it.

Oh, and by the way, he keeps saying he asked me out and I shot him down....not true...it's also not true that he asked me to marry him and I turned him down.

As I said on his face book wall....I'm not intimidated by the facepaint....I'm just intimidated by the fact he had bigger boobs than I did.

'Night y'all....hope you enjoy hearing about our 'sexcapades'. You too should have a sex and chocolate program....they're quite entertaining.....

!@#$%^&*(

What is up with all the freakin' anonymous posts?

I don't get it...if you have something to say, be brave enough to stick your name on it. It's a free country and you have the right to your own opinion....JUST LIKE THE REST OF US POOR IDIOTS!

Here I am, writing passionately, angrily at you fools with what could possibly be a broken finger (boo freakin' hoo). More than likely it's just jammed, but still....

I post my feelings on this blog and if you don't like them, tough shit.

"you have problems with BOYS because thats just it they are BOYS ..try finding a MAN!!!"

I would find a man you worthless half wit, if there were any to be had....you see, they're all boys around me...none of them have the sense of a dog, nor the charm or wit. However, your belief that I need to find a man is very true.....BUT POST YOUR NAME SO I CAN GIVE YOU SOME F'ING CREDIT FOR STATING THE BLATANTLY FUCKING OBVIOUS!

"Men are perverts... Boys just use their immaturity as an excuse. They never grow up. If you think you have a man... good luck. He's still a boy. Just wait. "

I know who posted this, but still, the idea is NO NAME! What the hell? SHe's right though...deep down inside, all men are really boys.

"I SAY GROW UP ..GET OVER THE BOY BULLCRAP GO FIND YOU A GOOD MAN ... YOU WILL SEE THE DIFERANCE ..YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND THE RIGHT ~MAN~ TRY BEING PICKY NOT EASY !! "

I CAN YELL TOO!!!! Now, post your name so I can yell at you properly next time. You see, I am grown up....well, within reason, I mean, come on---crayons taste good-- hello! 'Get over the boy bull crap go find you a good man'-- Do you not know proper english? Really now..... 'diferance'? I'm thinking this was written by a third grader..... and "try being picky not easy" what the hell is that supposed to mean? I mean, I am picky, I"ll admit I have certain standards I expect of a guy. So I guess I fill that, but 'EASY' ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I am the Queen of 'hard to get.' I am cold and heartless...which I guess is another problem, but that's off the subject. EASY? How dare you! I am NOT easy....and if you meant to say "Being picky is not easy" you failed miserably.

People, be PROUD of your thoughts! Know that you were born to this earth in order to VOICE those thoughts and opinions. We're not living under the Inquisition after all...we don't have to hide our religion or our thoughts....it's our right as Americans to post whatever you want and stick your name on it and take the hit for it, whether you're right or wrong, because--in essence--it's your opinion..you're entitled to yours, and I'm entitled to mine.

And if I want to sit here and call you meany poo-poo heads and tell you to go away and flush your heads down the potty because you're evil little satanic trolls that deserve to burn in hell. Then I will...because that's my right and there's nothing you little girls can do about it.

...My finger hurts.....



oh, and guess which finger it is....that's right, the middle one, so I get to run around all day in a perpetual state of flipping the bird, because that too is my God given right.

Boys are Icky

Yes, this is going to be another one of my world famous rants against the Y-chromosome. If you've got one, you may not want to continue reading this....I'm a hater....and I'm about to let it all out in one glorious example of blog-dom.

Why are men so dense? I really can't understand it. THey always say "women are secretive, they never come out and say what they want.", and yet, when we do come out and say what we want, they ignore the hell out of it.

How much clearer can we be than saying "I want to go to sleep now, you need to leave."

Short of sending you a singing telegram, I don't think it can get any clearer...maybe a giant scrolling marquee?

Men have a one track mind. This is clear. God has addled their brains so the only thing they can think about is how to pro-create. THey don't care about feelings or what you say or think...just that a quick fuck and nine months later, their genetics will be carried out through hundreds of years....A never ending cycle of stupidity.

Really now, why can't guys just take the hint? How much clearer do we have to get?

Then there's the opposite end of the spectrum. How much clearer can we get than to say. "Hey, you're hot....I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby." At which point the boy says "Oh...uh....well...." and then a day later he's off screwing some other chick. DAMN IT! We want you...how come when we want you you're standoffish...when you want it, well....

I guess maybe pay back is a bitch?

But so is Karma.....and Karma is my friend. Take that!

I've also come to the conclusion that there are two trigger phrases which should send any girl scurrying (I love that word) for cover. I'm going to enlighten the world because, honestly, a girl needs all teh weapons she can get when battling the male ego.

1.) "Aw, come on."--- This is in reference to any attempt to get you to go to his room....any place behind closed doors actually or away from your friends who may run a cock block or beat the living shit out of him. If you are a friend, you should be leary of this trigger phrase too. Example---

Boy: Hey, why don't you come up to my room/ back to my place...we can watch a movie or something.

You'll note the use of the other phrase from previous rants 'or something' which we all know from my previous forays into the enemy camp means "I want to fuck you as of ten minutes ago, but our friends being around is preventing me from making a horrible move on you."

Girl: Well, I don't know...My friends and I were gonna go to Steak and Shake....
Boy: Steak and Shake sucks...you should come with me.
Girl: I can't, I've got to be back here..I've got stuff to do.
Boy: Aw, Come on.

That 'Aw, Come on.' is often so damn pathetic it touches that long buried nerve in the feminine body. That one that sends messages to the brain reading "Oh, but he's so pathetic and lonely...maybe a movie won't be so bad, besides, he's kind of cute. And when he whines like that he has puppy dog eyes and his lip pouts a little..."

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is not the message you want to listen to! Listen to Auntie Nee Nee and when that message comes through tell yourself that he only wants a casual lay and in the next 48 hours you'll never hear from him ever again! Those puppy dog eyes and pouty lip and act of total patheticness is a recessive trait passed through all men on that damn Y chromosome.

Phrase Number Two.

"I promise, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

BULLSHIT!

The real translation on that is "I want you to think I'm suave and sensitive and a total darling. Then you'll lower your guard and we can get it on like Donkey Kong."

Usually this phrase is uttered during a session of inebriated tonsil hockey. You already fell for one of his other lines...now he's got you where he wants you. Your hormones are raging...you're in the mood...you're hot. All you want to do is keep making out because who really gives a shit, but no....he's got other things in mind.

In a guys mind, kissing WILL lead to heavy petting which WILL lead to the bedroom which WILL lead to at LEAST one of you being naked and WILL end up with him getting his rocks off.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do."----Yeah, right...that's such a load of shit. Once again, those puppy dog eyes are going to come out and you're going to feel bad because he's just so adorable and such a good kisser and he's told you that you're beautiful and sexy, and that you're the kindest, nicest, prettiest girl and he's the luckiest guy in the world to be with you.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't fall for it! He told the girl last night that same lie and she fell for it! Don't you fall for it too! Auntie Nee Nee has warned you...and if you go for it...well, I Guess you needed that itch to be scratched, but be careful...don't let your emotions get involved because his aren't.

Boys are Icky. We know this for a fact...there's nothing much we can do about it except understand their language and culture. We can make the translations and understand what they want. We can be clear, but they won't understand the message, no matter how clear we are. Short of hitting them with a baseball bat and having the scrolling marquee on the wall, they will not understand a word you say. That Y chromosome will prevent them from understanding much of anything that comes out of your mouth. Example---

Girl Says: "Get the Fuck out of my Room."
Boy Hears: "Get...Fuck...Room....OKAY!!!! I'm gonna get me some tonight!"

Girl Says: "I'm tired."
Boy Hears: "I'm going to go lay on my bed on my back and wait for you."

Girl Says: "No"
Boy Hears: "Yes." or "Not right now, but in ten minutes or after I finish this beer, You betcha."

So Ladies....I hope now you are once again clued in to the world of Men...what they think, and why when you are BLATANTLY obvious and clear in your message, they do not understand it.

You've been warned.

Where has the time Gone?

Good grief! I look at my blog today and I realize, I haven't written anything profound, retarded or even remotely interesting in almost a month! A month! Can you believe it? Where has the time gone?

I mean, I've had two home rugby games to plan out and play in, a trip to California, two Air Force football games to watch on TV, new people to hate on Survivor and stupid shit to lead.

The whole month of september has been packed FULL of crap to do with hardly a minute to breath.

With no time to truly relax or write, I have seriously slacked in my ability to bring joy, light and humor to the world.

That's OK. With all that I've had to do in the past month, I have noted no less than sixteen cases of ICPU, at least 50 reportably cases of 'cute sorostitutes on days when NO ONE should be cute', and been ready to castrate at least six members of the opposite sex for various reasons. I've also been nursing drunk rookies.

Hey, there's a subject for a rant...but maybe that'll be saved for another day, or perhaps for 'ruggerscrap.blogspot.com' which, I'vebeen informed is 'almost pornographic'.

Well world...Kiss my Ass. I'll get to it when I get to it, 'ite?