SEX!!!!!....and chocolate

So the dorm has the tendency of doing this totally awesome program called sex and chocolate. Basically it's a way to accumulate insane numbers of condoms....as well as to infiltrate the enemy camps of the opposite gender and find out what really goes on in their heads regarding sex.

The first time I did this program was my freshman year. It was fantastic then. The next year Ali (my ever ready partner in crime) was getting hit on HARD by the host of the show in other dorms. So we got to go to other dorms and participate in the insanity.

This year we've had it marked on our calendars for weeks....we went down an hour early to stake out seats.

We're thouroughly serious expert sex and chocolateers.

So with an hour of dead time to sit on the couch we came up with eighteen questions just before the party even got started. Just by ourselves!

Now the idea of this program is to separate the males and females and to have each gender come up with a few sheets of questions for the opposite sex.

I wrote the better answers down for your enjoyment, because honestly, who should be left out of this hillariousness?

1.) Have you ever gone with or made out with a girl your buddies said 'no' to? Yes, but the guys that answered said that they kept it a secret.

2.) Have you ever fallen asleep during sex or while receiving head? Yes, but only because they were exhausted...no excuse in my book.

3.) Girl on top or Guy on top? Guys say being on top is a matter of control....when the girl is on top, it's a matter of giving the female more pleasure. Aren't they sweet to consider such things? bleh....

4.) Natural Girls (no make up/ earthy) or Girly girls (make up and always cute)? They said they prefer natural girls.....what they say and what they do certainly don't match up....

5.) Do you have a song that'll put you in the mood? The answer given was "Master of Puppets" by Metallica

6.) Baseball or sex? Would you watch baseball while having sex? The World Series only happens once a year, hopefully you have a steady girl who will be around afterwards...so it wouldn't be necessary to have sex during the game and she'll forgive you.--->Surprisingly enough this answer was given by the right honorable Fucktard...

7.) Guys masturbate whenever they feel like it. It takes one minute to get off...these were the answers given..I'm serious...I'm not making it up...they said it, I just wrote it down. The other comment made on the issue of masturbation was that they do it slow to savor it, and that sometimes they just need to get it done really quick when there's no time.

8.) They prefer it if you swallow...the exact words were "spitters are quitters"

9.) On the matter of open relationships there is a positive outlook. They don't honestly care what you do, as long as they're gettin' some too. However, they do not like the idea of sloppy seconds.

10.) Guys are in fact Chicken shits and will not admit to comparing their enowments....therefore they are not ashamed of being less endowed than their friends.

11.) There was a group in the study room separte from the program....they apparently like it Doggie style, as they were very vocal when this topic was brought up.

12.) Lingerie or nude? NAKED! They don't want to go through any work to get to what they want.

13.) Would you rather be in control in the bedroom, or the woman be in control? One answer was "Women, just because it's a nice break from the norm." BULLSHIT---this guy was obviously smoking a lot of something. The other answer was "A little bit of both, the bedroom should be an equal opportunity ruling place."

14.) Guys don't know anything about the prostate.

15.) Condom of choice varies....I'm thinking everyone is game for the free ones though.

16.) What is the best line you've ever used that's gotten you sex? "I just came straight out and asked her if she wanted to sleep with me and she said yes."<---That girl was far too easy...or stupid. "I don't use lines. I've just got game." <---I don't know who this guy was trying to kid, but we all decided that it's bullshit.

17.) Are you ashamed/are your feelings hurt if the girl giggles if you cum too soon? Yes..."We feel like they've let the girl down." Girls response "Well..that's cuz you have!"

18.) Have you ever compared penis size with other guys? Only two were brave enough to admit it....and then the one said that he'd never actually "compared" as in 'just whipped it out and showed it off' but had compared as in had talked about size.

19.) Circumcission is not an issue with them.

20.) Why do guys freak out when they find out a girl is a virgin? Stage fright...they don't want to scar her for life either one way or the other.

21.) Little or a Lot of foreplay? Guys said they don't care as long as it leads to sex.

22.) Guys do not expect to marry virgins.

23.) Ever fallen asleep during sex? Someone got ratted out on this one...their girlfriend actually said that he fell asleep during sex!

24.) Average amount of sex in a week? Guys said six times...actually that was just fucktard...the other guys were oddly silent.

25.) Why do guys talk about their girlfriend differently when they're with their buddies than they do than they do when they're around her? THis has to do with bragging rights and with guys trying not to get killed when they are around girls.

26.) Biting and Clawing? Guys like it..."battle scars are a plus"

27.) Underwear preference? None, but if it's absolutely necessary, thongs were mentioned as well as boy shorts, as well as "biscuits and gravey flavored edible drawers!"

28.) !!!!!NINE VIRGIN MALES!!!!!

29.) Fantasy sex spot for males? Stacie's Apartment (stacie being the RHC) Stacie says "Keep dreaming"

30.) Violent sex? There were mixed reviews on this.

31.) The phrase "oh god, oh god!" means what when a girl is yelling it during sex? Lyndsey said it means it's just that good...the other vote went to "Oh god...oh god, he sucks....i wish he'd jsut hurry up and get off...."

32.) What is the favored 'dress up' costume? Most of the guys present answered 'Nurse'. However, "princess leah in the gold bikini" was also mentioned and seconded.

33.) In and out or bump and grind? In and Out

34.) Most girls have had their yearly check ups.

35.) Best technique for giving head? Guys say they prefer hand and head at the same time, lots of tongue. However, "It doesn't matter as long as they're getting it."

36.) How many partners are too many? DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT! The girls said ten to a dirty dozen, however, the males said 'four' after hearing our generous number....bastards.

37.) Do you want a girl to be straight forward and tell you she wants to use you? Yes! They want to know if you want them to be a fuck buddy....so they expect the same amount of candidness as we expect from them.

38.) Girls were asked what the best technique for getting eaten out was. Lyndsey felt obliged to answer. "Fingers and tongue, because tongues aren't long enough." to which someone in the back said, "yeah, but what if I have one of these?" sticking out his tongue and revealing a tongue ring. Lyndsey said "oh, those are good...but a vibrating tongue ring is better." All the girls then turn to Fucktard and ask what the hell he's been doing.

39.) Guys not going twice in one night really pisses Lacie off....

40.) According to the girls, foreplay should last at least fifteen minutes. to which the guys responded "FIFTEEN MINUTES!?!?!?!?!"

41.) When asked why they always get tired after the girl goes down on them and they use that excuse as to why they won't reciprocate, they told us not to go first.

Ladies, now you know.

However....the fun does not stop with the end of the quesitons...oh no.

FOr those of us who are insane night owls, we sat up and talked about out night of raucaus laughter.

Lyndsey blew up a condom at one point and started annoying Robert with it.

Robert: You're fucking my ear with a condom.

Later, but not by much......Johnathan utters the fact that he "Smells like lube and sweat." Which is generally a sign that someone has been very very naughty.....but in actuality he's one of the nine virgins so that technically means nothing. The fact that he smelled of lube and sweat was simply becasue he had condom boobs.

Major league Tatas...bodacious yabos.....a killer rack...one way or the other, Johnathan had them.

Some other things uttered that evening by Johnathan..."I can't see myself"--to which Sara responded "Now you know what it's like." Girls with big boobs sometimes have issues seeing out, over and down to our feet...it's an issue we face everyday...condoms have given us equal opportunity experience for the guys...who'd a thunk?

We then decided that since Johnathan had major leauge tatas, that we just HAD to make him a cheer leader.

It brought us much joy and merriement, however, not so much as when Johnathan had a rather quick and sudden breast reduction....and then proceeded to 'lick' his own 'boobs.'

It was also Johnathan that stated.....

"Eggs-->yeah, they're the new sex toys for body builders-->they crack eggs on each othe rand suck them off."

We also asked how many of the three or four guys present had measured their own penis length....at which point they admitted they had at some point in their lives. We asked if the hand method was accurate....once again it was Johnathan who stepped up to the plate and informed the girls "The average guy can not do the windmill."

We were up to the small hours of the evening...the whole time I was taking pictures and writing down things people said.....

The last quote in my book is attributed to Josh. We'd somehow gotten on the subject of anal sex and he said...

"If I wanted sex with anything with crap in it, I'd have sex with a septic tank."

It was one o'clock before we went to bed.

We'd spent over four hours winning condoms.....blowing htem up, tormenting each other with them and acting like sixth graders....

We are college students...and we fear no condom....apparently we fear no topic either becasue we talked about EVERYTHING that night and even dabbled in slight bondage (we hand cuffed Johnathan). Yeah, if Johnathan isn't scarred for life by this chances are he'll be a little Necro by the end of it.

Oh, and by the way, he keeps saying he asked me out and I shot him down....not true...it's also not true that he asked me to marry him and I turned him down.

As I said on his face book wall....I'm not intimidated by the facepaint....I'm just intimidated by the fact he had bigger boobs than I did.

'Night y'all....hope you enjoy hearing about our 'sexcapades'. You too should have a sex and chocolate program....they're quite entertaining.....