Boys are Icky

Yes, this is going to be another one of my world famous rants against the Y-chromosome. If you've got one, you may not want to continue reading this....I'm a hater....and I'm about to let it all out in one glorious example of blog-dom.

Why are men so dense? I really can't understand it. THey always say "women are secretive, they never come out and say what they want.", and yet, when we do come out and say what we want, they ignore the hell out of it.

How much clearer can we be than saying "I want to go to sleep now, you need to leave."

Short of sending you a singing telegram, I don't think it can get any clearer...maybe a giant scrolling marquee?

Men have a one track mind. This is clear. God has addled their brains so the only thing they can think about is how to pro-create. THey don't care about feelings or what you say or think...just that a quick fuck and nine months later, their genetics will be carried out through hundreds of years....A never ending cycle of stupidity.

Really now, why can't guys just take the hint? How much clearer do we have to get?

Then there's the opposite end of the spectrum. How much clearer can we get than to say. "Hey, you're hot....I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby." At which point the boy says "Oh...uh....well...." and then a day later he's off screwing some other chick. DAMN IT! We want you...how come when we want you you're standoffish...when you want it, well....

I guess maybe pay back is a bitch?

But so is Karma.....and Karma is my friend. Take that!

I've also come to the conclusion that there are two trigger phrases which should send any girl scurrying (I love that word) for cover. I'm going to enlighten the world because, honestly, a girl needs all teh weapons she can get when battling the male ego.

1.) "Aw, come on."--- This is in reference to any attempt to get you to go to his room....any place behind closed doors actually or away from your friends who may run a cock block or beat the living shit out of him. If you are a friend, you should be leary of this trigger phrase too. Example---

Boy: Hey, why don't you come up to my room/ back to my place...we can watch a movie or something.

You'll note the use of the other phrase from previous rants 'or something' which we all know from my previous forays into the enemy camp means "I want to fuck you as of ten minutes ago, but our friends being around is preventing me from making a horrible move on you."

Girl: Well, I don't know...My friends and I were gonna go to Steak and Shake....
Boy: Steak and Shake sucks...you should come with me.
Girl: I can't, I've got to be back here..I've got stuff to do.
Boy: Aw, Come on.

That 'Aw, Come on.' is often so damn pathetic it touches that long buried nerve in the feminine body. That one that sends messages to the brain reading "Oh, but he's so pathetic and lonely...maybe a movie won't be so bad, besides, he's kind of cute. And when he whines like that he has puppy dog eyes and his lip pouts a little..."

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is not the message you want to listen to! Listen to Auntie Nee Nee and when that message comes through tell yourself that he only wants a casual lay and in the next 48 hours you'll never hear from him ever again! Those puppy dog eyes and pouty lip and act of total patheticness is a recessive trait passed through all men on that damn Y chromosome.

Phrase Number Two.

"I promise, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

BULLSHIT!

The real translation on that is "I want you to think I'm suave and sensitive and a total darling. Then you'll lower your guard and we can get it on like Donkey Kong."

Usually this phrase is uttered during a session of inebriated tonsil hockey. You already fell for one of his other lines...now he's got you where he wants you. Your hormones are raging...you're in the mood...you're hot. All you want to do is keep making out because who really gives a shit, but no....he's got other things in mind.

In a guys mind, kissing WILL lead to heavy petting which WILL lead to the bedroom which WILL lead to at LEAST one of you being naked and WILL end up with him getting his rocks off.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do."----Yeah, right...that's such a load of shit. Once again, those puppy dog eyes are going to come out and you're going to feel bad because he's just so adorable and such a good kisser and he's told you that you're beautiful and sexy, and that you're the kindest, nicest, prettiest girl and he's the luckiest guy in the world to be with you.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't fall for it! He told the girl last night that same lie and she fell for it! Don't you fall for it too! Auntie Nee Nee has warned you...and if you go for it...well, I Guess you needed that itch to be scratched, but be careful...don't let your emotions get involved because his aren't.

Boys are Icky. We know this for a fact...there's nothing much we can do about it except understand their language and culture. We can make the translations and understand what they want. We can be clear, but they won't understand the message, no matter how clear we are. Short of hitting them with a baseball bat and having the scrolling marquee on the wall, they will not understand a word you say. That Y chromosome will prevent them from understanding much of anything that comes out of your mouth. Example---

Girl Says: "Get the Fuck out of my Room."
Boy Hears: "Get...Fuck...Room....OKAY!!!! I'm gonna get me some tonight!"

Girl Says: "I'm tired."
Boy Hears: "I'm going to go lay on my bed on my back and wait for you."

Girl Says: "No"
Boy Hears: "Yes." or "Not right now, but in ten minutes or after I finish this beer, You betcha."

So Ladies....I hope now you are once again clued in to the world of Men...what they think, and why when you are BLATANTLY obvious and clear in your message, they do not understand it.

You've been warned.