Oops.

I don't often think of anything profound before I write. Usually I word vomit through my fingertips and whatever appears, appears. This ought to be evidenced by a complete and total lack of spell and grammar check.

In not thinking before I type, it would seem I have hurt some people's feelings.

Namely, my mother.

I bash on a lot of people in my blogs. It's nothing permanent, or personal. I talk a lot about the muse descending and inspiring my blogs.

Really it's jut a lack of tact and my need to vent.

I'm blunt. It's a personality flaw. But I got so tired of my friends beating around the bush about stuff and the high drama it caused that I went the completely opposite route. Everyone wanted honesty and the 'tell it like it is' and they got it from me. I filled a void in their lives.

I felt useful.

Fast forward to college.

I try to rein in my oh so blunt personality.....that plan back fires and I unleash it with avengence.

I am a rare commodity.....I am useful again.

Actually I was just funny and I liked the idea that I had a twisted sense of comedy that made people feel happy.

I am a listener. I listen to everyone's problems and tell them what they need to hear. Not what they want to hear, but what they NEED to hear. They might not listen to it at first, but eventually they hear the wisdom of my words.

I am not a good talker. I do not like expressing what's happening in my life because everyone spins it back on me. Everyone does the whole "well that's because...." before I get to finish. Everyone does the "it'll get better" without telling me that "shit's gonna suck for now, but things always come around....then they'll suck again." Or they tell me I'm overreacting to something that truly affects me in some way. After the first hundred or so times this happens to a person you kind of clam up and then have inappropriate outbursts at people when they push you over the edge. My family was the bearer of many of these outbursts. And when I broke down and cried and bitched, I realized how trivial all the little things were and how I let a billion little events build and build and then burst forth when someone looked at me cross eyed.

I needed some way to vent the little events.....it was hard to find.

The blog thing happened on a whim....I was bored!

But it gave me a way to vent things. To say things I wanted to say to the world without having to say it. I'm a pretty good writer (if I do say so myself) and I feel that I've got a knack for it. I pour my emotions out into the written word and then I'm done with it. Later I go back and laugh at the ridiculousness of what I just wrote.

I write, it's gone, I vent......I'm better.

I realize this now.

But what makes me feel better isn't good for everyone else. I say some really hurtful things about people and populations. Some of it should be kept private....some of it I should write or post where no one can see it because it's not fair to them that I call them out and give others a laugh at their expense.

What happens in my family, ought to have stayed in my family. Or, at the very least, I should have mentioned something good for every negative thing I ever bitched about.

Like the fact that I turned out the way I did because of my mom and dad. I wouldn't be the me I am if it weren't for them encouraging me to follow my dreams and desires. I wouldn't have gotten to see half this country if it weren't for my parents. I wouldn't be pursuing a career in the National Park Service if my parents didn't take my brother and I to all those parks when we were little.

I never talk about the fun trips my mom and I take. I never talk about the good times. Usually the good times are when I'm not writing. If something positive is happening in my life, I have a tendency to keep it to myself. I'm greedy...I horde it and save it.....it's mine. Why should I share the good times?

I wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing this summer if it weren't for my parents supporting me. I'm not "working" this summer because of my internship and the fact that I screwed up and didn't apply in January. Granted, I didn't know I COULD apply in January, but I should have asked better questions. My parents are paying my tuition, my rent, and my living budget. Have I ever thanked them?

No.

Because I suck like that.

I've taken a lot for granted. I know that....

I read back through my blogs. I come across as a Drunk and a slut.

I see the drunk...not the slut, but this is what my mom saw when she read through some of my entries.

So half my blogs are on the subject of sex. I'm in college. The top two topics of conversations are about sex or alcohol.....or drunk sex which combines the two. I have little to no experience with sexual relations. The few bad make out sessions I've had are hardly enough to qualify me to give my analysis on the sexual patterns of an entire population. Once again, I hear everyone talking about sex, I feel behind the learning curve and I make up for it with my blog. It's not a good image for me to have, but if someone reads this who doesn't know me, well...I guess that's just my bad.....

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."

This goes for typing and my blog as well.....

If I've said something hurtful about you or about something you believe in, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I come across as a slut. I'm not....really.

And I'm also sorry I only talk about the times we get drunk. I really do look like a boozer.

I'll try to ammend it.