Sad News

Ladies, I'm here to break some very sad news to you. I'm here to tell you that the 'perfect man,' the Brad Pitts and Johnny Depps, the James Deans and Heath Ledgers of this world do not exist. They are figments of our imagination....the perfect man doesn't exist.

Now don't tell me I'm full of shit because I've been doing my research. I've been running around and covertly infiltrating the enemy camps, after all I am single (hint hint hint).

All guys have flaws.

PRETTY BOYS

Ah, the pretty boys. Eye candy, Beef Cake....whatever you want to call them, you know the type. Beautiful, well muscled, and dreamy. Ladies, they're pretty to look at but there's NOTHING THERE! In that lump that sits on their shoulders is an empty void that rivals the biggest black hole in space. Beneath that oh so sexy coif of hair is an empty space incapable of being filled with intelligence. The reason for this is that they've been told they're pretty, therefore they have no need to be smart, because they will be able to coast through life on nice eyes, a tight ass and a great smile.

You know a pretty boy with brains? Well, let me tell you, he's got a flaw too. He either has some sort of nervous tick, spends HOURS in front of the fricken mirror to get that oh so sexy look, or perhaps is not so.....blessed downstairs. Don't give me any crap, I'm just saying what you're all thinking.

SMART BOYS

We have all been dreaming of Prince Charming since viewing our first Disney Movie. For you it may have been Prince Eric, with his full head of beautiful black hair and his dreamy gray eyes. For me, it Was Prince Philip, Brown hair, brown eyes and oh so brave on his trusty steed Samson. Yes, we want a man with some looks. Nine times out of ten the 'smart boys' have no looks. They are pekid and a little under-nourished. You'd think lifting those text books would give them at least a little bit of muscle, but it doesn't. They have horrible B.O and if they don't have B.O then all they can talk about is science, math, physics, space and psychology. I don't want a psych eval.....nor do I want to know how fast my car is going when it hits the brick wall.

STALKERS

OK, so we all know the guy. He seems nice, he's slightly sociable, decent to look at. You'd think, 'hey, this is fantastic.....see, not all guys have flaws." Well, ladies, HE'S A FUCKING STALKER! He will not stop calling you, he will not let you have a minute on your own. He will constantly want to come over, or call you. He will wonder where you're going, why you're going there and who you're going with. Stalker boys are the worst sort. Even if they're the prettiest thing to look at on earth, it's always best to view from the fifteen feet mentioned in the restraining order.

THE SENSITIVE TYPE

Oh my God....there are few things worse than an overly sensitive guy. I mean, yeah, you want one who's going to be sensitive to your needs, who's going to 'be there' when you need him. But I want a man! I don't want someone who's going to cry because the kitty kat on TV got stuck under the fire truck. I want him to step up and take over, be brave!

MARRIED

OK, so this is cliche to the Alanis Morissette song, but you meet the man of your dreams and then his beautiful wife. Dang it! This guy is allowed to be as perfect as anything fiction can dream up....HIS WIFE HAS BEAT ALL THE FLAWS OUT OF HIM!!!!!!!!! His woman has dealt with all the flaws and honed and fixed them. Even if he does still have some flaw (so he leaves the seat up, big deal) it doesn't matter because he's off the market. Go ahead and look ladies, but don't touch.

RICH BOYS

Rich boys think that because they have money you will sleep with them. They think that because they drive a fast car you will go with them, that if they can buy you pretty things, that you will sleep with them. You may think "Hey, I'll be secure financially!" but no. Rich boys only think with the head between their legs. It leads them around and when they find someone dumb enough to actually believe that money is the be all to end all they screw them and leave. Don't go for the rich boys....if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a wealthy man your hubby.

JOCKS

OK, so we all know the type. Big, well muscled, jockey. STUPID! Hello. These guys are so ripped on steroids that they are dumber than shit. They take all these steroids, lift a thousand pounds a day and then wonder why in ten years when they're "in their prime" they can't get laid. These guys are possibly the DUMBEST thing on two legs. Don't go for Jocks.....they may look big now, but in the dark....let's just say there are a few things no amount of steroids can help.

GAY MEN

OK, there's a man...he's got a nice tush, he's handsome, he's sensitive and he's a good dresser and he's got class. What's that! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's GAY?!? Why God? Why must you make the perfect men Gay? WHY???????

DIRTY OLD MEN

So there's this guy, and he's TOTALLY flirting with you. You're nineteen....he's thirty four. WHAT? What is it with these pin head old guys that they think they can shack up with nineteen year olds. Quit being creepy assed old dudes and get a girl your own age. If you can't even get a woman in your own age bracket it means there's a problem some where. If you have to woo girls half your age, you belong in jail.

Well there it is. I know there are other flaws, like he's a stoner, a drunk, an abusive son of a bitch, a user, a liar a cheat. Whatever.....Ladies no matter how 'perfect' a guy is, he isn't. He probably picks his nose and eats it when he thinks you aren't looking, or maybe he listens to Britney Spears (that whore!) while he's driving to work. Or maybe he's just not well endowed (which I know isn't everything, but it's nice sometimes). Regardless, there will be an imperfection.

Don't say I didn't warn you!