I'm so Gothic, I'm dead!

Alright, so this blog is coming curtesy of Brian and of course his wonderful ability to find the most retarded shit ever online.

Here it goes...

First go to http://www.mk-magazine.com/news/archives/001567.php

and read through the list. When you're done and have picked yourself up off the floor and can control your laughter, ponder this.....

1.) Frequently wears black clothing--That would mean most of corporate America is Gothic. Members of the priesthood (black shirts, black pants black shoes--we're all hoping black socks and not polka dots)? Gothic. Ninety percent of college students are therefor 'gothic' because let's face it...we wear black because we can wear it longer without washing it.

2.)Wears any odd silver jewelry or symbols-- Now I wear five rings....four of which are silver and one is white gold. The white gold one is my class ring. The other four have NO VALUE. I mean, one I bought for 12 bucks in Arizona, the other I got at a jewelry sale outside and it has a celtic dragon. THen my two thumb rings are worry rings (or spinner rings) and one's from mexico and the other is a Christmas present from my mom. Now if that makes me gothic I think I've got issues with that.

3.) Shows an interest in piercings and tattoos-- My mom wants to TAKE ME to get a tattoo. Whenever I decide what I want and where. We already know the shop back home where I'm gonna go. And who DOESN'T show an interest in tattoos and piercings? Tattoos are a form of body art and self expression. Piercings? well, they just look cool and are great conversation starters.

4.)Associates with other people who act, dress, or speak eccentrically-- Again, i have a problem with this as my one friend frequently speaks in a fake british accent and the other one goes to Ren Fairs with me and yes, we all dress funny when we go to the fair.

5.) Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, church, prayer or sports-- What if the interest was never there to begin with?

6.)Shows an interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves satan--OK, death is a part of life...so suck that one up, Vampires, magic, the occult and witchcraft? I didn't spend four years of my life watching Buffy and ANgel for nothing you know....

7.) Drinks Alcohol-- Wow....guess I lose on THAT one don't I. Along with the rest of America and the free world.

8.) Is suicidal and/or depressed-- If you haven't been suicidal or depressed in your life, then you need to stop taking the medication. Damn those perky people and the Cleaver family! They've ruined my life! I hate stupid people...I think my life is over...I'm gonna go jump now.

9.) Complains of Boredom-- Hello! Is anybody home!?!? For Christ's sake! Most of America has freakin' ADD and can't stay on track to save our asses! Of course we complain of boredom as kids....and with all that bible reading and church....well, there's only so much of that a person can take before self mutilation and a vacation to the mental institution for those PERKY PILLS sounds like a great idea!

10.) Sleeps too excessively or too little--OK Goldilocks, show's over. Kids need sleep. Eight hours doesn't do it.....sometimes after an all nighter...ten doesn't do it. We like sleep. It keeps your nagging voice out of our heads.

11.) Is excessively awake during the night-- Again, EVERY COLLEGE STUDENT IN AMERICA has just been branded a goth. Do you really think we turn in at ten-thirty every night? Really? wow...you need to enter my world where ten o'clock is the equivilant to 6:30 in the real world. Most of my friends are just getting aroudn to eating dinner at 10:30....no where close to turning in for the night.

12.) Demands an unusual amount of privacy, Spends large amounts of time alone, Requests time alone and quietness (this is so that your child may speak to evil spirits through meditation)-- OK, these three I lumped together because they're pretty much the same. I like to be alone. Then I don't have to listen to stupid people. I like my alone time because it gives me the ability to do what I want, when I want. If I spend large amounts of time on my own, it's usually because I have no other choice. I live on a suitcase campus...everyone else GOES HOME! And I am left here with no one to play with. And if I request my time alone and a little bit of quietness....then it's probably because I'm STUDYING for once.....wait a second...huh? What? Oh, right....and the Evil spirits say "PPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHH" To you and all your retarded friends because none of us like you anyway, meany heads!

13.) Disregards Authority figures-- Well, DUH! It's called rebellion and it happens EVERY FREAKIN' DAY. Fucking Nazi's.

14.) Eats excessively or too little-- If this is true then my brother must be Satan's Spawn because that kid hasn't stopped eating for like, four years. We can eat an eight course meal and that kid will still ask what we're going to eat. The rest of the family is sitting around un-buttoning pants and getting comfortable after Thanksgiving and he's up in the fridge an hour later because "He's hungry". THe kid has a tape worm I swear to god..

Now here's the one that REALLY blew my mind.

15.) Eats Goth related foods (Count Dracula Cereal is an example of this.)-- I never knew that Count CHOCULA could lead me down the road away from the light of the lord and into temptation. I merely thought is was a tasty breakfast cereal meant to make us hyper. Now, I PREFER cocoa puffs, but I'll settle for a little bit of Count Chocula because it's chocolate....Where do these people come up with this shit? Count Chocula Cereal? A tool of the devil? Who knew?

16.) Watches cable television or any other corrupt media sources-- Yes, I am Satan...heare me roar. I watch Cable TV 24 freakin' 7 because I LOVE TV. I love it, I really do.

17.) Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer-- They have once again condemned EVERY college student across the globe as Satan worshippers. It's called THE INFORMATION AGE! Everything is online now because it's meant to make our lives easier. I use the internet to READ now because it's easier than going to a library...and half the time the stories are better and more creative anyway. I'm pretty sure that even THE BIBLE has a website....the pope has a feakin' e-mail addy now....come on!

18.) Makes Satanic symbols and/or shakes head violently to music---Is it even a physical possibility to NOT head bang during Bohemian Rhapsody?

19.)Dances to music in a sexual or provocative manner-- I TOLD YOU ALL BRITNEY SPEARS WAS SATAN! I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU!

20.) Expresses an interest in sex-- Come on now....of course we're interested in sex. It's called 'procreation' and everybody's doing it. Besides, Count Chocula told me I should try it this morning while I was eating breakfast at my computer and listening to Bohemian rhapsody....

21.) Masturbates-- Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the male college student on any given weeknight......... or weekend....or between classes....between meals........

22.) Pursues dangerous cult religions such as satanism, scientology, Philosophy, paganism, wicca, hinduism or buddhism-- alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright alright! Satanism, I might give you.....paganism and wicca? Perhaps...but scientology? George Washington believed in Scientology along with a buku buttload of the other founding fathers....Philosophy? That's a major in most colleges.....I didn't know that a cult religion could be a college major. and Hinduism and Buddhism? Those are older than christianity....I think that CHRISTIANITY is the psycho cult religion......and dangerous too cuz they won't let us eat Count Chocula no more.....

The warning at the bottom of the page cracks me up too....."If these symptoms persist, send your child to a psych facility". Fuck you. You send me to a mental institution for eating count chocula, and watching Cable and I swear I'll take you to court for poor parenting skills. YOU'RE the ones that belong in the mental institution you crazy psycho bastards. I bet you even burned Beatles' albums because if you played it backwards it said weird shit like 'paul is dead.'

Go climb a tree or something....like fall off a cliff.

Gotta go....count Chocula is telling me it's time to cut my wrists.....

You Know You're From Colorado....

OK...so I've lived in CO the past nine to ten years of my life and I actually understand a lot of these jokes. However, I've been living in Kentucky for nine months out of every year, so now, just when I'm getting ready to go back, I feel it's time to refresh why I go back to the hole that is Colorado.

Only in Colorado….

Would an orthopedic surgeon wear a black Stetson and a North face jacket to a press conference.
Saw it on the news...really

Would they allow penguings to WALK through airport Security. I also saw it on the news today....Yes, PENGUINS WALKED THROUGH Denver International Airport Security...which already takes an hour and a half to get through without press and penguins.

Does the bike on the back of a car cost more than the actual vehicle it’s strapped to.



You know you're from Colorado when you flush the toilet and get extreme satisfaction in knowing that California and Texas are downstream.....

You know you're from Colorado when you a.) know what the Continental Divide is and b.) can say that you've peed on it.

You know you're from Colorado when you an claim oxygen deprivation as an excuse for stupidity.

You know what the People’s Republic of Boulder is, what they smoke, and what at least three of their laws are.

Your sense of direction consists of towards the mountains and away from the mountains

You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.

Driving in the winter is better because all the potholes are filled with snow.

You can drive over a 12,000 foot pass in four feet of snow but can't get to work in four inches of the stuff.

April Showers bring May Blizzards.

You take your out of town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.
Casa Bonita being the super cool Mexican Restaurant in Denver that has cliff divers, Gorilla Chases, Haunted caves and other nifty stuff!

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You think that sexy lingerie is tube sox and flannel PJs.

You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a team's victory.

You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista.

Danger Will Robinson! Danger! PDA Alert!

Oh, whatever has become of my merry little band of friends?

We used to be so carefree, simple minded...single.....ah.....the days of being a freshman.

Now one of us is not so single. And with that unfortunate addition of appendages and a torso that is her boy friend, came the unfortunate added danger of Public Displays of Affection.

Yes, I'm anti-PDA ok? I don't want to look at you and your lover making out....it's nasty....ESPECIALLY when I'm trying to eat my dinner.

Now, this evening the girls were eating dinner. OK, so Seth was there too, but whatever. When suddenly Amy's squeeze apparates beside her. Yes, I just made a Harry Potter reference, but you can kiss my ass Sunshine. Yes, Tyler appeared out of thin air. Amy is equally surprised at the appearance but moves over in her chair so that Tyler too could get an ass cheek on the chair.

(I can't believe I just wrote about Tyler's Ass Cheek)

(Crap! I did it again!)

Anyway so they're sitting there, I'm minding my own business, finishing my dinner and conversating with my friends when Tyler and Amy are cuddling, and holding hands, and they've got their arms over each others shoulders (Gag. Me.) and are looking just so cutsie. (BARF!)

I'm glaring, but apparently they only had eyes for each other because they just didn't get it! How can you NOT get it? I'm glaring daggers, icicles, metal pikes, rail road spikes, and plastic sporks at them and they are just IGNORING ME! Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter about it AT ALL!

Apparently the flying re-bar, and sharp pointy implements of doom weren't as easy to ignore for other people because suddenly Emily turns to me and says "You're going to write a blog about this aren't you?" At which point I just turn and grin maliciously...then, (and I swear, Hollywood couldn't have written it better) we both burst into laughter....yes....evil laughter. Amy and Tyler are clueless as to what we are talking about.

Yes, I'm going to write a blog about this. Isn't it obvious?

So, I'm still sitting at the dinner table talking to a friend when Tyler and Amy start tickling and messing with each other and being all handsy and cutsie. GAG ME. Emily makes the brilliant comment "Dude, why don't you guys just start making out already?" To which I agree because "That's just fucking disgusting."

Now I'll give Amy and Tyler kudos for being quick on the draw, but they were a bit too quick with this, because no sooner had those words left our mouths than they were locked in a fake passionate kiss. You know the one guys used to do in High School to each other when they were single and there was the "Token dude with a girlfriend" in their group? Yeah....they were doing that, but it was VERY real looking. I wig out and leave. Emily follows.

Now, on our way down stairs an puddle of coke trips Emily. It's rather funny because she slipped, I didn't and it took us quite a bit of time to figure out exactly why she'd tried to take the header downstairs. So once we've finished laughing at ourselves we head outside and she dishes more dirt on the T&A saga. (Not Tits and Ass you jackals! Tyler and Amy of course!)

Apparently Tyler and Amy were on Emily's bed and Tyler started to get handsy with Amy and Emily said something and they did the whole fake makeout thing again. They aren't very considerate of other people, that's for damn sure.

Anyway so we're talking about what I"m going to write about and how moony eyed they get and how they're probably back at the table snogging right now when Seth walks up.

Me: "So, did they start screwing each other on the table, or did you just get bored?"
Seth: "I didn't stick around to find out."
Me: "Ha Ha Ha.....well, that's good to know."
Seth: "You know, she needs to go on the hypocrite list......sheesh."
Me: "What's that?"
Seth: "She's such a hypocrite about that stuff."
Me: "Spill it Seth, I need more ammo. (evil laughter)"
Seth: "Well, we were studying Physics once and John was up there with us and Megan came in....

::::::::::Flash Back::::::::::

Ali and I go out for one of our infamous evening crack whore walks and we see Megan and John in the lobby standing close to one another and talking seriously about something. We return twenty minutes or so later and sit on the recently vacated couches to finish our discussion. We're talking when suddenly movement in the doorway catches our eye. There stand John and Megan in an all out serious lip lock. And boy oh boy was there some SERIOUS tongue action going on.

:::::::::::End of Flashback::::::::::

....and Megan came in and sat on John's lap and they started doing that (Seth gets a little green here, but continues) cutsie thing...."
Me: "I love you more...no I love you more....no I love you more."
Seth: "Exactly. So anyway, they're getting all kissy faced and stuff and Amy just sat there and said 'Dude, you guys shouldn't do that in front of other people."
Me: Oh that's so.....

Now, roughly the point of the flashback Amy and Tyler have walked by and are now standing just beyond Seth's left shoulder. I have been ignoring them...but now it's impossibly as Tyler has Amy in a full dip (Amy with one leg kicked in the air) and is "kissing her passionately."

OTHER PEOPLE WERE STARING AT THEM!

They're tee-hee-hee-ing as they finally realize I've seen them because I'm spluttering and yelling....something along the lines of "Oh for the love of god would you two knock it off? Other people are staring!"

Tyler lifts Amy up and starts to carry her off towards Burnam Hall. We're laughing now because this scene is just so ridiculous. So I belt out rather loudly "Give it to her good, Tyler."

Tyler stops and sets Amy down and turns to face us as Emily is now near peeing her pants and Seth is trying not to snort soda out his nose. I say it again because Tyler and Amy both ask what exactly is so funny.

DOWN WITH PDA! STOP MAKING OUT IN PUBLIC YOU SICK PERVERTED FREAKS!

This is your public service announcement for the week of April 25th, 2005.

Another Jackie, Lauren and Renee Outing

If you have read the title, and the last post...you should be afraid...very afraid....


Yes, Jackie, Lauren and I ended up going on a crazy whirl-wind adventure (or mis-adventure) and I'm here to tell you about it.

Now, I, in all my awe inspiring power, recruited Lauren to play rugby. Yes, Elwood may have helped a little the one night at dinner, but I did most of the work.

Lauren is now an accomplished prop, or first row player on the women's team. She's played in five games. We like Lauren a lot.

Anyway, Lauren played Saturday in our home game against Marshall (visit www.ruggerscrap.blogspot.com for info on the game). Apparently at the end of the game, she went down with the ball, went to place it and got her hand cleated. Lauren is a tough cookie and didn't say much about it after the game.

Sunday at breakfast she mentioned that it hurt, but I didn't think about it.

Today in class her hand looked awful. Twice the size of the un-cleated one, she can't even close her hand around a pen properly. It's disgusting. Several of the girls in class are of the opinioin that she's broken it. Jackie and I decide that after our last class (in less than an hour) we'd take her to the hospital.

So after class, Jackie and I hop into the chaos mobile and pick Lauren up and take her to the 13th circle of hell that is Pattie A. Clay Hospital. I fill in the paperwork for Lauren since her hand is fucked up and we go into Triage about 30 minutes later.

The triage nurse asks lauren questions about how she did it (trust me, eyebrows were raised) and then did some vital stuff. They usher us into a room and set up the gurney so that two of us can sit on it and the third in the chair. We talk about nothing and everything. We're laughing at cute doctor wannabe's and about some of the stuff in the room. There's this 'ortho-glass' stuff that we're just dying to play with, but our conscience's get the better of us and we decide not to.

Jackie likes men. No, not likes...ADORES Men. If it has two legs and a penis, Jackie wants it...She drives down streets and wonders if guys in cars are hot. I swear.....anyway, we are in the ER less than ten seconds and she's checking out the baby doctors and the real doctors and anything that's male. "Oh he's hot....he's definately not. Why couldn't you get the hot Dr. Lauren?"

Oy.

Jackie and I read a book while Lauren toodles off to get her hand x-rayed. At one point a dude in a jump suit comes by and asks if it's OK that he close the door. We say sure, but don't know why. We hear a gurney roll slowly down the hall way and then Lauren comes back and we start giggling and talking again.

Mostly about the sex novel's Jackie brought in.

I swear, Jackie is a book-aholic. She reads NOTHING but Nora Roberts Novels and she goes through about six a week. She reads in parking lots, between classes at meals and at traffic lights (Jackie, don't deny it...I saw you Saturday and so did three other people). Anyway so she brought an extra book in for Lauren to read in case she got bored waiting for doctors because we all know what slow asses they are. Anyway Jackie keeps threatening to do story time and eventually we get bored enough to let her. We are DYING because Jackie can not even read the scene without lauging her fool head off.

We're looking at the poster beside the gurney, trying to stop the giggle fit and we realize the poster depicts how to splint fingers arms and legs in different ways. This is not reassuring...shouldn't the doctor already know how to do that crap? Anyway we're talking about the different widths of the ortho-glass and Jackie is only just realizing that the 6" wide stuff shows a hand on it as well as the 2" stuff. She thought they were all for hands when in actuality, the 6" stuff is for legs and the 2" stuff for arms and wrists. Sheesh. Anyway I'm talking about how they're supposed to take this stuff and "Twist it, mold it, bend it flex it." Suddenly 'Lauren the Lyricest" is trying to come up with a song. I believe it went "Twist it, mold it, bend it flex it, come to the Doctor and he can Mend it." I am embarassed.

We are in the middle of our second hour at the hospital and our fourteenth giggle fit when we hear this man screaming and moaning. It's the worst sound you can imagine. You know the sounds people make in movies when they're getting tortured? This guy sounded worse. You know the blood curdling screams on ER? This guy was worse.....it was awful. We wanted to leave...we couldn't see this guy, but whatever the doctors were doing to him, it apparently hurt.

Eventually the Doctor comes back and tells Lauren that her hand isn't broken and that she should keep it wrapped up for a while. He leaves, saying a nurse will be in shortly to wrap it for Lauren.

Shortly turns into an hour full of blood curdling screams from the man and a woman. Yes, TWO people are moaning and groaning in agony. I'm not thrilled with this idea of staying at the hospital.

When the nurse FINALLY comes back to wrap Lauren's hand (a monkey could have done better) we skeedaddle quick to get out. Not only is Jackie late for work, but we don't want to be around the screams anymore.

THat's how I spent my afternoon...in my least favorit place in the world...bleh....no more hospitals for me.

The Lord of the Dance!

Alright, so I'm a weirdo...we all knew this...shit, my blog is called "Crayons Taste Good" what the hell? I actually like celtic music. Bag pipes, flutes, fiddles and drums. I love that shit. I also like the step dancing that comes with it. So when I saw an article in the paper on Sunday advertising for it to be in Lexington, I tried to get tickets and some friends to go with me.

Enter Jackie and Lauren (Hi Jackie and Lauren). Lauren had seen Riverdance a while back and Jackie just likes this kind of stuff. So they promise to pay me back and off we all go to Lexington to see hot men in tight pants tapping their lives away and all for our pleasure.

So I'm actually dressed nice--Skirt I stole from roomie, a nice shirt, hair and make up done....I'm looking good. Jackie wore jeans and a cute top. Lauren wore nice pants and a super cute shirt (Jackie said she wants to sooooo borrow it). We look ready for a nice evening of CULTURE--obviously something not familiar to native KY.

We're crowd watching, hey, we showed up an hour early....bite me.

Our first prey walks in. Close your eyes and imagine this---well, if you closed your eyes you couldn't read, so that's probably not a good idea. Just imagine this----Gold Leather Floor Length Trench Coat. Do I have your attention yet? Pure white whip-cream hair. Horn rimmed glasses as big as the bottoms of a two liter bottle of soda. 5'2. I'm not kidding you this little old lady comes in. We've affectionately started calling her Yetta. You know, like the grandmother from 'The Nanny'? Yeah, she looked like that woman.

Now, for those of you who don't know, Rupp Arena is a big place, but not so big that mere mortals can not find their seats. It should be easy. No, these idiots take forever. So the show starts late and this family comes in AFTER THE SHOW STARTS. Come on now....show time is 7:30...how hard is it to show up at 7? Anyway they've missed the first three acts or so (Lord of the Dance has a story--Good vs. Evil and all that shit) and this kid starts asking questions loudly. Instead of the parents taking the kid out or telling them in a parental way to shut the fuck up, they keep answering the brats questions, Despite the glares coming from everybody around them.

We do our best to ignore the brat behind us.

OK, so we're in KY and the show has Violins in it. You start playing a violin to a steady beat and people in Kentucky will do the 'Hee-Haw' slap until the sun comes up--and off beat the whole time. Oh my god.....3000+ people all off beat is a scary thing.

So it's half time and annoying, late and ill cultured family leaves to get Demon Spawn a hot dog. We revert to crowd watching. Jackie calls her mother.

"Hey Mom, you'll never guess where I am---Lord of the Dance.---Yeah, Class got cancelled and then I was going to go to the Library, but Renee called and was like, 'what are you doing?' so I told her and she said her room mate bailed and that she had the extra ticket and that if I could go, I could. So here I am--Isn't that cool!"

Jackie is 24 and has just told THE BIGGEST lie on earth to her mother. Lauren and I start laughing. This is funny. We keep laughing though because here comes Yetta.

Five minutes later comes another woman--Late sixties, early seventies--my guess is 72....I"m usually right about these things. Anyway--she's got Bahama Braids. Anyone who's been to the Bahamas or knows someone who's been has heard of the ladies who braid hair and do the really tight tiny braids. This GRANDMOTHER had a full head of braids. We laugh.

Just before the intermission is over, we see Demon Spawn and Family heading for a different section. There is a God and he is being exceptionally kind to us this evening.

Part two starts and I have already laid claim to the binoculars for the first two acts because the performance is all male at this point. No Girls. We are happy. Imagine the Hear no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil monkeys passing Binoculars back and forth...that was us.

So the end of the show is upon us, the Lord of the Dance is still Lord of the Dance and the bad guy has lost. Bad guy has been masked the whole show. Bad guy comes back out to do curtain call AND MY HEART STOPS. NO MASK! This man is the epitome of GORGEOUS. And his smile...my heart is still melting. Lauren still wants the Lord of the Dance--Jackie wants anything with two legs...me I want Lord Drachon. Hell freakin' yeah....I already told mom that when I bring hot male Irish dancer home and tell her to meet the father of her Grand babies, to not be surprised.

Anyway, so we leave and Jackie tries to get us lost in down town Lexington. And then it begins....the giddiness goes to our heads and Lauren starts doing the whitest white girl dance in the front seat. Jackie joins in. I'm praying for tinted windows.

Then this song comes on with this annoying high pitched voice---Lauren does a great imitation of this chipmunk voice. She is now claiming to be a lyricist. Apparently 'lyricist' is the magic word to send Jackie into a giggle fit. Every time we say 'lyricist' Jackie bursts into laughter. This is amusing. Lauren continues to do the white girl dance.

We are almost home and I get a phone call from Emily saying she's at the ER and needs to be picked up cuz she was having trouble swallowing. I'm going to kill her, my brain turned off at 'can you come get me at the hospital?'

Anyway, so I get her and I OFFICIALLY decide that Dr's. blow. They didn't even talk to her about what they thought it was, they just sent some nurse back to give her the check out papers. Emily is pretty funny looped actually---she doesn't have a coherent thought, can't string two words together and she sure as hell can't walk right. Yes, I think the Hospital gave Emily booze, cuz she was acting drunk as fuck last night.

Anyway, Lord of the Dance (and Lord Drachon) are still on our minds today. Lauren and Jackie are still proclaiming me to be the greatest person currently walking this earth. Lauren asks why I haven't written about our misadventures-- "haha if you want i can use my mad ghetto lyricist skills and come up with some phat rhymes for your blog lol" I tell her that's enough. She says "haha well if you change your mind let me know, but i understand that the world isnt ready for my raw talent yet"

No...No they aren't Lauren.

So that's it....Lord of the Dance. Emily is fine---well, as fine as she can be with the ass hole Dr.'s that practice in Richmond, and I am still dreaming of my sexy, hot Irish Dancer....mmmm....sexy smile...growing distracted......

G'Night!

Close one

Wow...we almost lost the wonder that is crayonstastegood. The entertainment the joviality the mockery....all of it nearly ceased to exist.....

All because I forgot the lousy log on name.

Don't get me wrong...it used to be just as retarded as anything else I put on here...but I went and tried to simplify my life and changed the name to something else....thus forgetting what name I used and what the corresponding password was.

My bad.

Anyway...it may have taken me a few days, but I eventually figured out what it was. And now we're back in business....I also realized that I had another blog that I barely use....it's for rugby stuff though.... If you want to hear about our retarded weekends and the CRAZY shit we do while we're there...go to www.ruggerscrap.blogspot.com ........there are links to pictures there...

Laterz y'all

DONT'S!!!!

Alright, so my previous post was about things to do in order to get laid....well, we can't just leave it at that, so we came up with a list of things that will guarantee you a night alone.

GUYS

1.) Be a fucktard--If you've found yourself on the fucktard list and can not associate with humanity in a decent fashion, then you will not be getting any.

2.) Cheesy Pick up Lines-- Don't use bad pick up lines! They won't work...I gave you examples of good ones, now I"ll give you bad ones....
---"Are you from Tennessee? 'Cuz you're the only Ten-I-See!"
---Are you a parking ticket? 'Cuz you got FINE written all over you?
---"Did you wash your pants in windex? Cuz I can see myself in them..."
---"Is that your leg or a stairway to heaven?"
---"Are those space pants or is your ass just out of this world?"--Bo

For more bad pickup lines go to--http://coolsig.com/pickups1.html

3.) Make weird Duck/squeeky toy noises--Making odd noises is not attractive and does not guarantee you a quick lay in any way, shape or form.

4.) Don't Call Back--- If you say you're going to call, call....if you got it once, you will not get it again if we can not guarantee you will not keep in contact.

5.) Not agreeing to Cuddle After--- Guys, we really need a little cuddle after....just suck it up, and throw your arm over us, hold us, make us feel useful and wanted. Don't just roll over and leave us staring at the ceiling like a Twenty Dollar Whore.

6.) Bragging about Sexcapades to friends-- YOu may like to hear about our sexcapades, but we don't want them blabbed everywhere. Please do not fall into this trap....

Fucktard: the last time I had oral, about 3 months ago, after 3 min of her going down on me, she looked up at me and I had dislocated her jar on her right side
Fucktard: 30 min
Fucktard: sorry
Fucktard: not 3
Rebelspy2003: well then.
Rebelspy2003: tall tale....
Fucktard: yeah right
Fucktard: you don't believe me
Fucktard: ?
Rebelspy2003: Who would?
Rebelspy2003: I mean, I know I asked you to tell me and all, but it is a little far fetched.
Rebelspy2003: Even my magic eight ball doesn't know whether to believe you or not.
Rebelspy2003: "Outlook is gloomy, try agian later."
Fucktard: I can put you in contact with the girl who gave her a heating pad
Rebelspy2003: So you couldn't anything for her?
Rebelspy2003: A gentleman would have helped her.
Fucktard: I tried to pop it back in but she had to go to the emergency room because I didn't know how to fix it
Rebelspy2003: fucktard, you probably screwed it up worse trying to forcibly pop it back into place.
Fucktard: no
Rebelspy2003: what dumb fuck taught you first aid?
Fucktard: I didn't press hard
Fucktard: do you want to talk to the giel that helped her
Rebelspy2003: that's ok.
Fucktard: I got resourses that back me up
Rebelspy2003: Liars tend to stick together.
Rebelspy2003: why would you tell people that anyways?
Rebelspy2003: is it an ego booster?
Fucktard: well yeah
that and it's what changed my outlook on the whole why I lived my life
Rebelspy2003: I know if you told me that story, and I "was" to go down on you, I wouldn't. There'd be no chance in hell.
Rebelspy2003: Who in their right mind would want their jaw dislocated.
Rebelspy2003: That's stupid.
Rebelspy2003: So, I hate to tell you this, but that's a story I wouldn't necessarily be proud to tell.
Fucktard: yeah well

Guys, learn from fucktard and avoid this....and don't tell all your frat buddies about your girlfriend giving you road head! No one cares!

7.) Have a filthy Apartment or room-- Guarantee that if your room is absolutely trashed, we will not sleep with you. It's got to be at least a little clean. If it's TOO neat, we might think your gay or anal retentive...but don't have food everywhere, dirt on the floor, tobacco cans everywehre, etc. etc...

8.) Wearing dirty farm clothes/workout clothes/Practice Clothes--- Self explanatory---change before you pick us up.

9.) Having some rank odor or having uncontrollable bodily functions-- Don't fart around us and laugh...don't belch when we first meet you, don't sit there and scratch yourself. If you ahve B.O, shower...and keep your shoes on if you know your feet smell bad. Elwood, wash your damn feet!

10.) Do not bathe in cologne or aftershave--- We want you to smell good, but don't soak yourself and everything you own in cologne. That's not sexy at all...ever....if we can still smell you two days after you left our room...that's not a good thing. Take a shower!

SO there you have it....Ladies, stop laughing...the guys came up with a list for us too!

LADIES

1.) Not Shaving legs, underarms, etc.-- The guys don't like au naturale. THey want us cleaned up...smooth....just a hint....

2.) Complaining/Comparing them to ex boyfriends-- DOn't do it girls. Don't talk about your ex no matter how tempting. Forget him. I agree with the guys on this one.

3.) Talking/interacting with Ex's---He's an ex for a reason. Just don't talk to him.

4.) Acting like a 5 year old--- Don't pout, cry whine, or baby talk. Guys don't find that sexy.

5.) Oral Hygeine--Keep breath fresh and teeth clean. Nasty teeth will get you no where ladies.

6.) Playing hard to get for too long--- They like the idea of the hunt...but if we play games for too long, then they lose interest. Guys do have a really short attention span after all....

7.) Using Hints-- Guys want stuff kept simple. THey want us to tell them what we want. THey dont' want us to drop hints. I'm just so subtle about these things...all the time...it's a pity I have to drop so many hints and can't just tell the men what I want. I love this blog........

8.) Dressing too conservatively-- Don't dress like a nun/tom boy 24/7. Guys want to see what we've got before they go for the gusto.

9.) Dressing like a total Prostitute--- Find a happy medium ladies. THey want to keep some things for the bedroom. If you show them everything you've got now, then there's nothing for them to discover in the bedroom, and where's the fun in that?

10.) Talk on the cell phone during the date-- Leave the phone at home during the date and we might get laid after....no connections means no connections and the guys like that. BEsides, it's rude to talk to someone else while you're on a date.

So there you have it. I've given you DO's and I've given you DO NOT's. Now it's up to you to use them.

May the Force Be With You!

Top Ten Lists That'll Rival Dave's!

Hey Everybody! I'm here to enlighten you with some very helpful information! Guys and Girls BOTH! For once I"m not bashing on either population, but BOTH! YEAH!

So here's the deal....I'm going to give you first, the Top Ten Things a Guy Can Do to Get Laid. That's Right Boys, I'm actually going to throw you a bone here and give you some pointers. Don't get used to it, this is probably the last time this will happen.....

TOP TEN THINGS A GUY CAN DO TO GET LAID

1.) Have an Adorable Puppy-- Guys, this is a great conversation starter. You know you're in when you hear that tell tale "AAAAWWWW!!!!!!!! Look at that cute Puppy!" Especially when it's not in the normal register for human hearing. This puppy will get you some serious ass.

2.) Cheesy Pick Up Lines-- Don't get me wrong, this isn't always the best idea, but it's worth a shot....but only use the GOOD cheesy pick up lines....here are a few....
------"Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven?"
------"If I told you you had a great body would you hold it against me?"
------"Can I have a picture? So I can show Santa EXACTLY what I want for Christmas."
------Do you have a bandaid? 'cuz I scraped my knee when I fell for you."
-----Go up to the Girl of your dreams and hand her a rose...say "I just wanted to show this rose what true beauty was."
Just for hints guys....

3.) Pictures of the Family/ Babies with them---- NOT YOUR OWN!!!! We do not want to see pictures of YOUR son/daughter (unless we're all like, forty somethings). At the point you are showing us YOUR children, we are thinking about the door. You are either too old, or have been around the block once. Show us your neice and nephew, your little brother. Bring the siblings and cousins and neices to school...show them off....Girls are crazy for that stuff....

4.) Dress Like a Cowboy-- And not a cheesy cowboy either...a sexy one. Chaps, a REAL stetson (not a straw or plastic cowboy hat), tight pants, good boots and good muscles. Boys, ladies have a thing for the wild west....you should cater to our fantasies.

5.) Man in Uniform-- OK, so I don't like a man in uniform, but this isn't MY list exclusively....so there. Firefighter? Score.....Cop? Score, but only if you aren't busting our party. EMT? Probably because we probably think you're a firefighter. Military? Oh yeah...give me a man in dress uniform ANY day. We all have our weeknesses.... ;-)

6.) Driving a Sweet Ass Car/ Motorcycle--- OK, so if you have a nice ride (and it's clean) then you obviously have good taste. And if you have a motorcycle/motorbike, hell yes! You've got girls begging to screw you. THere's just something sexy about guys who ride motorbikes......

7.) Get us Drunk--- Yes, it's true...get us drunk, you'll probably get fucked.....

8.) "Have a Big Wang" Caitlin Osteen----Hey, don't blame me, I didn't say it!

9.) Bankroll-- Yes, some of us care that you can buy us things. Having a big bankroll will ensure a quick lay...but may come with strings attached....be warned.

10.) Play a sport-- Not basketball, not football.....Baseball means you wear tight baseball pants and have a nice ass....if you do an extreme sport (surfing, BMX, Snowboarding, Skiing etc.) you're edgy and have that 'bad boy' edge. Tell us about your athleticism without talking about your training regimen and the steroids you're chewing on.

OK, so now you know what to do, but now we're going to tell the ladies what to do. Girls, I asked some of the gentlemen and this is what they told me.....

TOP TEN THINGS A GIRL CAN DO TO GET LAID

1.) Ask-- Apparently if we want to get a good lay, all we have to do is ask for it....helpful eh?

2.) Cleavage--- Guys want enough cleavage to want to see more, but not so much as to leave nothing to the imagination. Sorostitutes need to take that one to heart...and anyone in a two piece too!

3.) "Show up Buck Nekkid at the house...or in lingerie"-- Need I say mroe? I think this falls under #1.

4.) Skirt, Blouse, Really Sexy Thong-- Apparently guys like you to dress a little and flaunt what you've got. But without being overly obtrusive about it.

5.) "Touch" or Physical Flirtation-- I like this one, the guys actually thought this one out and gave it a technical term...'physical flirtation'. Especially to erogenous areas....good one guys...kudos to you.

6.) Luke says "Talk Dirty to Me Baby!"-- Yes, guys like the idea of a girl getting explicit with their sexual fantasies and telling them what we want, how we want it and where.

7.) Having discussions about Sex-- Guys actually want to hear about our Sexcapades. ---> Especially with other women---> Society is doomed.

8.) Being 'nice'--- Guys don't want us to be nice just because we want to be nice or feel sorry for them, or feel obligated to be nice to them...they want to experience genuine niceness from a girl. My comment: THEN DON'T TREAT THE 'NICE GIRLS' LIKE SISTERS!

9.) Dance Provacitively/'Rub ass against guys crotch'-- OK, so apparently lap dances are the way to go to get that itch scratched.

10.) "I Touch Myself....."-- Yes apparently they're turned on by us touching ourselves. Never would have guessed that.....

Honorable Mention: SMILE--- It didn't make the big list, but they like us to smile at them, genuine smiles.....take it to heart ladies.

So there y'all go....a little something for everybody tonight.....