Top Ten Lists That'll Rival Dave's!

Hey Everybody! I'm here to enlighten you with some very helpful information! Guys and Girls BOTH! For once I"m not bashing on either population, but BOTH! YEAH!

So here's the deal....I'm going to give you first, the Top Ten Things a Guy Can Do to Get Laid. That's Right Boys, I'm actually going to throw you a bone here and give you some pointers. Don't get used to it, this is probably the last time this will happen.....

TOP TEN THINGS A GUY CAN DO TO GET LAID

1.) Have an Adorable Puppy-- Guys, this is a great conversation starter. You know you're in when you hear that tell tale "AAAAWWWW!!!!!!!! Look at that cute Puppy!" Especially when it's not in the normal register for human hearing. This puppy will get you some serious ass.

2.) Cheesy Pick Up Lines-- Don't get me wrong, this isn't always the best idea, but it's worth a shot....but only use the GOOD cheesy pick up lines....here are a few....
------"Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven?"
------"If I told you you had a great body would you hold it against me?"
------"Can I have a picture? So I can show Santa EXACTLY what I want for Christmas."
------Do you have a bandaid? 'cuz I scraped my knee when I fell for you."
-----Go up to the Girl of your dreams and hand her a rose...say "I just wanted to show this rose what true beauty was."
Just for hints guys....

3.) Pictures of the Family/ Babies with them---- NOT YOUR OWN!!!! We do not want to see pictures of YOUR son/daughter (unless we're all like, forty somethings). At the point you are showing us YOUR children, we are thinking about the door. You are either too old, or have been around the block once. Show us your neice and nephew, your little brother. Bring the siblings and cousins and neices to school...show them off....Girls are crazy for that stuff....

4.) Dress Like a Cowboy-- And not a cheesy cowboy either...a sexy one. Chaps, a REAL stetson (not a straw or plastic cowboy hat), tight pants, good boots and good muscles. Boys, ladies have a thing for the wild west....you should cater to our fantasies.

5.) Man in Uniform-- OK, so I don't like a man in uniform, but this isn't MY list exclusively....so there. Firefighter? Score.....Cop? Score, but only if you aren't busting our party. EMT? Probably because we probably think you're a firefighter. Military? Oh yeah...give me a man in dress uniform ANY day. We all have our weeknesses.... ;-)

6.) Driving a Sweet Ass Car/ Motorcycle--- OK, so if you have a nice ride (and it's clean) then you obviously have good taste. And if you have a motorcycle/motorbike, hell yes! You've got girls begging to screw you. THere's just something sexy about guys who ride motorbikes......

7.) Get us Drunk--- Yes, it's true...get us drunk, you'll probably get fucked.....

8.) "Have a Big Wang" Caitlin Osteen----Hey, don't blame me, I didn't say it!

9.) Bankroll-- Yes, some of us care that you can buy us things. Having a big bankroll will ensure a quick lay...but may come with strings attached....be warned.

10.) Play a sport-- Not basketball, not football.....Baseball means you wear tight baseball pants and have a nice ass....if you do an extreme sport (surfing, BMX, Snowboarding, Skiing etc.) you're edgy and have that 'bad boy' edge. Tell us about your athleticism without talking about your training regimen and the steroids you're chewing on.

OK, so now you know what to do, but now we're going to tell the ladies what to do. Girls, I asked some of the gentlemen and this is what they told me.....

TOP TEN THINGS A GIRL CAN DO TO GET LAID

1.) Ask-- Apparently if we want to get a good lay, all we have to do is ask for it....helpful eh?

2.) Cleavage--- Guys want enough cleavage to want to see more, but not so much as to leave nothing to the imagination. Sorostitutes need to take that one to heart...and anyone in a two piece too!

3.) "Show up Buck Nekkid at the house...or in lingerie"-- Need I say mroe? I think this falls under #1.

4.) Skirt, Blouse, Really Sexy Thong-- Apparently guys like you to dress a little and flaunt what you've got. But without being overly obtrusive about it.

5.) "Touch" or Physical Flirtation-- I like this one, the guys actually thought this one out and gave it a technical term...'physical flirtation'. Especially to erogenous areas....good one guys...kudos to you.

6.) Luke says "Talk Dirty to Me Baby!"-- Yes, guys like the idea of a girl getting explicit with their sexual fantasies and telling them what we want, how we want it and where.

7.) Having discussions about Sex-- Guys actually want to hear about our Sexcapades. ---> Especially with other women---> Society is doomed.

8.) Being 'nice'--- Guys don't want us to be nice just because we want to be nice or feel sorry for them, or feel obligated to be nice to them...they want to experience genuine niceness from a girl. My comment: THEN DON'T TREAT THE 'NICE GIRLS' LIKE SISTERS!

9.) Dance Provacitively/'Rub ass against guys crotch'-- OK, so apparently lap dances are the way to go to get that itch scratched.

10.) "I Touch Myself....."-- Yes apparently they're turned on by us touching ourselves. Never would have guessed that.....

Honorable Mention: SMILE--- It didn't make the big list, but they like us to smile at them, genuine smiles.....take it to heart ladies.

So there y'all go....a little something for everybody tonight.....