I'm so Gothic, I'm dead!

Alright, so this blog is coming curtesy of Brian and of course his wonderful ability to find the most retarded shit ever online.

Here it goes...

First go to http://www.mk-magazine.com/news/archives/001567.php

and read through the list. When you're done and have picked yourself up off the floor and can control your laughter, ponder this.....

1.) Frequently wears black clothing--That would mean most of corporate America is Gothic. Members of the priesthood (black shirts, black pants black shoes--we're all hoping black socks and not polka dots)? Gothic. Ninety percent of college students are therefor 'gothic' because let's face it...we wear black because we can wear it longer without washing it.

2.)Wears any odd silver jewelry or symbols-- Now I wear five rings....four of which are silver and one is white gold. The white gold one is my class ring. The other four have NO VALUE. I mean, one I bought for 12 bucks in Arizona, the other I got at a jewelry sale outside and it has a celtic dragon. THen my two thumb rings are worry rings (or spinner rings) and one's from mexico and the other is a Christmas present from my mom. Now if that makes me gothic I think I've got issues with that.

3.) Shows an interest in piercings and tattoos-- My mom wants to TAKE ME to get a tattoo. Whenever I decide what I want and where. We already know the shop back home where I'm gonna go. And who DOESN'T show an interest in tattoos and piercings? Tattoos are a form of body art and self expression. Piercings? well, they just look cool and are great conversation starters.

4.)Associates with other people who act, dress, or speak eccentrically-- Again, i have a problem with this as my one friend frequently speaks in a fake british accent and the other one goes to Ren Fairs with me and yes, we all dress funny when we go to the fair.

5.) Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, church, prayer or sports-- What if the interest was never there to begin with?

6.)Shows an interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves satan--OK, death is a part of life...so suck that one up, Vampires, magic, the occult and witchcraft? I didn't spend four years of my life watching Buffy and ANgel for nothing you know....

7.) Drinks Alcohol-- Wow....guess I lose on THAT one don't I. Along with the rest of America and the free world.

8.) Is suicidal and/or depressed-- If you haven't been suicidal or depressed in your life, then you need to stop taking the medication. Damn those perky people and the Cleaver family! They've ruined my life! I hate stupid people...I think my life is over...I'm gonna go jump now.

9.) Complains of Boredom-- Hello! Is anybody home!?!? For Christ's sake! Most of America has freakin' ADD and can't stay on track to save our asses! Of course we complain of boredom as kids....and with all that bible reading and church....well, there's only so much of that a person can take before self mutilation and a vacation to the mental institution for those PERKY PILLS sounds like a great idea!

10.) Sleeps too excessively or too little--OK Goldilocks, show's over. Kids need sleep. Eight hours doesn't do it.....sometimes after an all nighter...ten doesn't do it. We like sleep. It keeps your nagging voice out of our heads.

11.) Is excessively awake during the night-- Again, EVERY COLLEGE STUDENT IN AMERICA has just been branded a goth. Do you really think we turn in at ten-thirty every night? Really? wow...you need to enter my world where ten o'clock is the equivilant to 6:30 in the real world. Most of my friends are just getting aroudn to eating dinner at 10:30....no where close to turning in for the night.

12.) Demands an unusual amount of privacy, Spends large amounts of time alone, Requests time alone and quietness (this is so that your child may speak to evil spirits through meditation)-- OK, these three I lumped together because they're pretty much the same. I like to be alone. Then I don't have to listen to stupid people. I like my alone time because it gives me the ability to do what I want, when I want. If I spend large amounts of time on my own, it's usually because I have no other choice. I live on a suitcase campus...everyone else GOES HOME! And I am left here with no one to play with. And if I request my time alone and a little bit of quietness....then it's probably because I'm STUDYING for once.....wait a second...huh? What? Oh, right....and the Evil spirits say "PPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHH" To you and all your retarded friends because none of us like you anyway, meany heads!

13.) Disregards Authority figures-- Well, DUH! It's called rebellion and it happens EVERY FREAKIN' DAY. Fucking Nazi's.

14.) Eats excessively or too little-- If this is true then my brother must be Satan's Spawn because that kid hasn't stopped eating for like, four years. We can eat an eight course meal and that kid will still ask what we're going to eat. The rest of the family is sitting around un-buttoning pants and getting comfortable after Thanksgiving and he's up in the fridge an hour later because "He's hungry". THe kid has a tape worm I swear to god..

Now here's the one that REALLY blew my mind.

15.) Eats Goth related foods (Count Dracula Cereal is an example of this.)-- I never knew that Count CHOCULA could lead me down the road away from the light of the lord and into temptation. I merely thought is was a tasty breakfast cereal meant to make us hyper. Now, I PREFER cocoa puffs, but I'll settle for a little bit of Count Chocula because it's chocolate....Where do these people come up with this shit? Count Chocula Cereal? A tool of the devil? Who knew?

16.) Watches cable television or any other corrupt media sources-- Yes, I am Satan...heare me roar. I watch Cable TV 24 freakin' 7 because I LOVE TV. I love it, I really do.

17.) Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer-- They have once again condemned EVERY college student across the globe as Satan worshippers. It's called THE INFORMATION AGE! Everything is online now because it's meant to make our lives easier. I use the internet to READ now because it's easier than going to a library...and half the time the stories are better and more creative anyway. I'm pretty sure that even THE BIBLE has a website....the pope has a feakin' e-mail addy now....come on!

18.) Makes Satanic symbols and/or shakes head violently to music---Is it even a physical possibility to NOT head bang during Bohemian Rhapsody?

19.)Dances to music in a sexual or provocative manner-- I TOLD YOU ALL BRITNEY SPEARS WAS SATAN! I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU!

20.) Expresses an interest in sex-- Come on now....of course we're interested in sex. It's called 'procreation' and everybody's doing it. Besides, Count Chocula told me I should try it this morning while I was eating breakfast at my computer and listening to Bohemian rhapsody....

21.) Masturbates-- Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the male college student on any given weeknight......... or weekend....or between classes....between meals........

22.) Pursues dangerous cult religions such as satanism, scientology, Philosophy, paganism, wicca, hinduism or buddhism-- alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright alright! Satanism, I might give you.....paganism and wicca? Perhaps...but scientology? George Washington believed in Scientology along with a buku buttload of the other founding fathers....Philosophy? That's a major in most colleges.....I didn't know that a cult religion could be a college major. and Hinduism and Buddhism? Those are older than christianity....I think that CHRISTIANITY is the psycho cult religion......and dangerous too cuz they won't let us eat Count Chocula no more.....

The warning at the bottom of the page cracks me up too....."If these symptoms persist, send your child to a psych facility". Fuck you. You send me to a mental institution for eating count chocula, and watching Cable and I swear I'll take you to court for poor parenting skills. YOU'RE the ones that belong in the mental institution you crazy psycho bastards. I bet you even burned Beatles' albums because if you played it backwards it said weird shit like 'paul is dead.'

Go climb a tree or something....like fall off a cliff.

Gotta go....count Chocula is telling me it's time to cut my wrists.....