Hell

OK, so most people envision Hell as a place of pain and suffering, fire and brimstone. Not me. Fire and brimstone, sure....but that could be fun after a while ( we all know how much I like fire).

Anyway, if you really wanted me to suffer for all eternity...here's what would have to go down.

Firstly, All the sorority girls and frat boys would have to be there. I mean, we all know they're going to hell anyway, but isn't hell, like, segregated? Well, let's just say it isn't and I'm thrown in with those damn sorority bitches. Can you imagine having to spend the rest of your life listening to those retarded ass chants and cheers and the laughing and the crying because in Hell there are no hair straighteners or make up or Loreal Blonde #39. And the frat boys would be running around trying to fuck anything that moved and high fiving each other....so I'm not sure that's such a great idea to have them down there either.

Secondly, Hell would have no duct tape, crazy glue, super glue, gorilla glue or WD-40. Is that possible? Oh my god that's really my worse nightmare.....I mean, can anyone LIVE without duct tape? It's impossible. And WD-40? I mean, if it's stuck you gotta move it somehow. I mean, isn't there a passage in the bible that states "If it moves and it shouldn't, use this righteous tool, the Holy Roll of Silver Might and Goodness. It shall be known unto you as Duct tape. And if it's supposed to move and currently doesn't, then my child, I give unto you the awesome power of WD-40. Use it well and abolish evil from thy putrid little planet." You mean that's not from the bible?....damn.....

Thirdly, no liquor. I mean, w/ all the sorority ho's and frat ass holes around you've got to make them suffer more...so no liquor stores in Hell. We'll just have to make sure our caskets are loaded with beer so we can bring it to the after life.

Now I'm not sure what's worse. Guys in hell, or no guys in hell. Maybe it's just that we can't hit on the guys or can't screw them. Maybe they'll all be major league ass holes....oh my god, if this is the case, then I must already be in Hell! It's a bit colder than I thought it would be.

Lastly, Hell would probably have a rule where I'd have to wear heels. Yuck. And ball gowns everyday. I can't handle it.

Maybe I should ammend my ways and get on the path of righteousness and goodness.....nah...that'll never happen.

That's why I believe in Re-incarnation. I may come back as a cow or a fly or a lizard in the next life, but it's better than having to deal with all those sorostitutes for the rest of my life...death....afterlife...whatever.

Why the spork list is a great invention

OK, so some people don't understand why I get so much enjoyment out of the spork list. Well, let me tell you, that's not the only thing I get perverse enjoyment out of, but we'll start there and move on...

The spork list brings me great enjoyment simply because with it I AM GOD! Yes, I get to play God in my little world and decide who does and does not get to procreate based on social skills, mental capacity and level of douchebaggedness. Fuck you....that is too a word....cuz Amy said so. If you fuck up, I get to move you from list to list. If you do something exceptionally endearing and worthy of our attention, I get to move you once again and miraculously restore your ability to create and heir. And just a thought...you know...women really are godly in our power as to whether or not men can procreate....I mean we ARE the ones that will carry the child to term...deal with the raging hormones....the lactating....THE PAIN! Ultimately, we are the ones who can say whether or not a man can fuck us.....so we are all, in essence, God. I mean, think about it. And I can't be blamed for a damn thing....I mean, unless someone from my list turns up ball-less and they can find bloody plastic sporks laying at the scene of the crime, it's not me.

Some other things that bring me great joy.

Imagining people's heads imploding---Some people wonder how I can deal with absolute idiots of the world and treat them so nicely and with a smile. It's easy....I'm just imagining that their head is imploding...instant gratification...the words coming out of their mouth are merely so much noise and the smile on my face is because of the immense joy it brings me.

Making fun of people in chat rooms--- I mean, you're already faceless, nameless, and blameless. Chat rooms are free speech forums...but why do people insist on abusing these rights? I mean, sure, go ahead and name yourself sexy_cheerleader_cutie and then come into a chat room and say "Hi! Hot, Sexy, 15 year old cheerleader. IM me to chat!" Please...this shit is just begging comment. Firstly, sexy cheerleader cutie? whatever...mighty full of yourself...secondly, 15 years old? There is nothing sexy about a fifteen year old. You probably don't even have a chest yet! Jesus Christ... Yes...I do get my kicks making fun of these moronic teenagers.....I wish they'd just go get real lives like the rest of us used to....

Fire---Yes, I'm a pyro at heart. I love making things melt, explode, burn and incinerate. I love the smell of wood burning....or the gentle glow that a candle produces. there is nothing, NOTHING sexier than the glow of a couple candles in a dark room. I mean, fire is warm and the way it moves is sort of sensual. I mean, I dont' go around lighting fires because it gets me off or anything, but I do enjoy lighting one when the time is right. And the forth of July? Oh Hell Yeah! I love setting off fireworks! Have you ever held a lighter under a can of WD-40? makes for an awesome torch....or seen plastic melt in a fire? that rocks too....

Multiple Personality Disorder--- I love letting the 'retarded kid' in me come out. Apparenlty the act is pretty funny. I'm going to go to hell for it, but it's OK....we all knew that anyway. I've also got 'Bitch Nee Nee', 'Rugby player Nee Nee', 'Oh Shit I've got to go to church, better behave myself Nee Nee', 'Hi (your name here)'s parent's! It's so nice to meet you! Golly, would you like some lemonade? Nee Nee', 'I'm smarter than you are and I KNOW it! Nee Nee' 'Hi Mom, I'm home' Nee Nee, 'I'm drunk and I don't give a shit Nee Nee', 'Southern Nee Nee' and 'Retarded Nee Nee' All combined at once, yeah..it's me...but when one overpowers the other....oh shit....RUN FOR THE HILLS!

Ok, so yeah, that's my retarded little schpeal for tonight. I'm tired and I dont' give a rats ass anymore. It's becoming difficult to find things that piss me off...so now I wrote about somethings that bring me happiness.

I'm gonna go dream of something happy....ooh...and maybe tomorrow I'll tell you what my vision of Hell is like! Won't that be interesting?

People who have too much time on their hands

Yes, I'm going to rant on people with too much time on their hands....this is going to be short (as short as I can get anyway).

Bloggers--I know I'm a blogger, and apparently I have too much time on my hands to come up with this crap. Even if my inspiration does stem from other people's stupidity.

Brian--- Yes, this is the same kid of 'Snickers Sex' Fame....I STILL can't look at a snickers bar. Anyway, he sent me these links, I'll post them for you.

http://www3.ns.sympatico.ca/lyle_24/myhero.swf---> The kid that's now famous for lip-synching to the romanian popo song

http://www.tocherburn.co.uk/board/Drink_UK.wmv--> Open w/ media Player

http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/sexual-games/--> the caption was 'sexual moments in video games' you decide...

Bob Jones University--Read their rules....this is so retarded...I had a whole rant set up about this school and its rules. I mean this school is a cross between military school and max security prison. They can't go on dates w/o a chaperone, can't see movies in the theater, can't watch above a G rated film at home....it's NUTS! Read their rules...all the way from dorms to dress codes...is't psycho.....

http://www.bju.edu/prospective/expect/rhall.html--> Psycho University Cult From Hell

Sorority Girls---They apparently have time to do their hair, make up and come up with retarded assed cheers to annoy the fuck out of the rest of the world. Damn it, start going for your MS, BS and PhD's instead of your MRS's.

Taco Bell--- Apparently someone at Taco Bell is getting paid the big bucks because they've got too much time on their hands. They are now printing retarded sayings on thier hot sauce packets. Such as...

I M A HOT T R U 2?
Mi Salsa es tu salsa
Do you add sauce left to right, or right to left?
Heads....
Tails...

and the coup de gras....

Bike tires scare me?

!@#$%^&*(???????????????????????

I can't believe this shit....

Movie people----to put all those retarded commercials together before our movie starts....

My Father---for his pictures of the day...trust me, they are retarded...such as the one of the dead cat, the deflated freshly washed cat....the dead squirrels at West Point....the clip of the kid from "Future of America"...Yeah

Well, people, that's it for now, I've gotta go to bed.

So much to do ..... So little time.

Tough Noogies!

So yesterday I had these two really great rants set up, but the computer froze up and I didn't feel like going back and re-writing everything at that point in time....Tough Noogies. Oh, you'll read that rant eventually, but I had a whole new one pop up today that I just COULDN'T pass up.

So I wake up this morning and I'm feeling pretty damn good when I check my e-mail...I have an IM window from a friend...everyone knows that IM-ing me is the best way to get a hold of me, even if I am asleep. So I read through.

Apparently Andy (who is indeed on the spork list) got bored last night and came to www.crayonstastegood.blogspot.com to alleviate it. Remember at least two of my friends have MY blog site listed in THEIR profiles.....obviously I'm just that funny.

So anyway, Andy comes to this illustrious site and now he's afraid of me! ME! I am something all men fear and dread....a plastic spork weilding vigilante out to take their balls at the slightest transgression against the female race. Right.

We're pretty sure he didn't make it to the spork list, but he read through a few of my more recent posts and decided he couldn't take my man bashing. (Pansy-ass). Apparently he never read the posts about girls who are sluts and wear far too little clothing. Or the posts where I imply that girls are sluts who cheat on their boy friends and spread all kinds of nasty little diseases.

Well Andy, if you can't take my man-bashing then you don't ever have to visit crayonstastegood ever again. In fact, I'd prefer it if you didn't....that way, I can make fun of you, and you'll never know it, but everyone else can laugh at you and you'll never know why. Be afraid my friend. I can eviscerate you electronically. I can make your head implode in my minds eye. It will be great fun....and when the day of the sporking comes.....run away, for no man's balls will be safe.....

To Andy I say----TOUGH NOOGIES!!!!

My room mate finds my posts witty and funny. She actually brought me inspiration the other day in the form of hot sauce packets and has also been the constant participator in public displays of affection with her boy friend Mike, who I affectionately call 'Hubby'. I really wish they'd just get married already...sheesh.

Anyways, so after reading her several of my blog entries and her helping me add names and reasons to the spork list, she proclaimed one evening that I am a 'stark raving bitch' and a 'feminazi'. Feminazi? Well, I most certainly didn't think so....just a moody female out to proclaim the wrongs of the male world unto them via a blog that few will ever read. Don't get me wrong, I think men are inherently stupid and can't see what's two feet in front of them, but I will admit they are useful for somethings; such as comic relief, lifting heavy things, fixing cars and sex.....well, sometimes they're good at that last one.

Anyway, to my lovely room mate, I say unto you--"Tough noogies, and eat shit and die, cuz nothing much is gonna change."

Hugs and Smooches to all! and if you can't take the heat GET OUT OF MY FUCKING KITCHEN!

Ladies, I Bring You a Brief Divergence into the Mysterious World of Man Speak!

Once again I have infiltrated the enemy camp and I bring back to you tidings of great joy. For behold....I bring unto your minds a translation.

Have you ever wondered what some guys are REALLY saying? Why 'I'm just going to Bill's house to watch the game' suddenly turns into an interstate liquor and stripper run? or how "I'll get it in a minute." will without a doubt become "I'll get it sometime soon." or "Maybe before I die."

Ladies, I bring unto you the knowledge and power to translate something far more profound that "I'm going to Bill's House." I bring to you the translation for the phrase "or something".

How many times have you gotten a call from a male friend who is maybe something more than 'just a friend'. And he says "So, do you wanna come over and watch a movie or something?" And have you ever noticed how inevitably, at some point during that movie, he's got his arm around you, or he's touching you, or basically making a move on you? What the fuck? I mean, you're over there to watch a movie! But no.....He's got you there for "or something."

Ladies, in Man-Speak "or something" turns into "Come on over so I can fuck you." You know they've got small mental capacities (among other things) and they just can't take saying "Do you wanna come over and watch a movie so that at some point I can screw your brains out?" Why say all that, when they can just say "Or Something".

Now that we've established that 'or something' is man speak for sex, I can give you an insight into exactly how desperate that individual is for sex. Now, if you get into the room and he asks you what movie you want to watch and he only gives you mindless drivel as options, he's horny and wants to bang your brains out as of ten minutes ago. If he gives you something that actually might take some intelectual thought, he's horny, but willing to lead you on about it for a little while. He thinks that you think that he's got you over there for a movie and not sex. Boy did he think wrong! If there's someone else in the room, then maybe he's not exactly THAT horny at the moment, but as soon as he can convince the third wheel(s) to leave, he's gonna be all over you like white on rice.

So ladies, I'm warning you now, don't fall for the 'or something' line because now you know that he's only doing it because he thinks you're STUPID enough to not know what it means. Well, we know now so you've got no excuse to be like "Well, i went over there with the intention of just watching a movie, but he had more in mind."

Ladies, I am sharing this information with you so that you too may be smart. Besides, sometimes it is soooo much more fun to watch them squirm when they're really horny and can't get any satisfaction. Let me tell you the vindictive thrill you can get just knowing that after you leave they are so JACKING OFF and are pissed as hell because they wanted a little nookie and couldn't get it. They think they are all such Cassanova's and they aren't. So ladies, do not let them think they are studlier than they are....because they aren't.....and leading them on is only a detriment to society. Never inflate their ego's.....it's never a good thing in any situation.

Oh, and guys? Now you don't have to be covert about asking us to come over for sex. I'd say there are pretty good odds that if you asked a woman to come over so you could sleep with her, that girl is just as horny as you are. So stop referring to sex as 'or something' and grow the balls to ask for it.

What I've Been Up To

OK. So when I created Crayons Taste Good as my address I set this whole thing up to be a listing of the adventures of my friends and I. Our 'Life and Times' written down for all of cyberspace to enjoy. So far I've just been a stark raving bitch about odd little things that have happened in our day to day lives, but today I've got an actualy 'life and times' entry for y'all. Here goes....

As everyone knows, the weekend in Kentucky starts on Thursday night. This is because kids here go home over the weekends, like, every weekend, so Thursday night becomes the logical night to go out with the crew. So the women's rugby team (yay lady ruggers!) gets this bright idea to go out to the club with a bunch of the new rookies. It's a good way to get to know people off the field and outside of practice. But the club here sucks. We have one in Richmond that people under the age of eighteen can get into and it BLOWS!!!!!!! Especially on Thursday night when everyone and their incestuous cousins are down there. So we decide we're not going to go there, but to Knoxville where there is a club called Cotton Eyed Joes. Knoxville is in Tennessee for all of you who are geographically disinclined. It's TWO HOURS AWAY!!!!!!! So we meet up at nine, cuz, honestly, who wants to be at the club EARLY. And show up at Eleven-ish. Only one car gets horribly lost, but they make it in due time. Those of us who aren't twenty one are branded with giant N's and O's on our hands. Says, NO to the bartender if you try to get a drink. They have a mechanical bull at this place and we get two of our rookies to ride it. Oh yeah, and the bull operator is hititng on one of the rookies HARD! So we laugh as they ride the bull and complain about their thighs hurting afterwards. Then they go to do Karaoke. Bad Idea. They pick some song that is so freakin' fast it's ridiculous. The one rookie (who's twenty one) is pouring whiskey down her throat like it's water. She's getting wasted. Guys are hitting on our cute players (not me though) and talking up the one returner because she has a full back tattoo of angel's wings that fade from blue and purple at the top of her shoulders to red at the top of her ass. She enjoys showing off the work. So these drunk asses are talking her up and the rest of us (who aren't getting hit on) are making fun of people. Especially the couple we've lovingly deemed, "The Train Wreck". Now, the Train Wreck consists of (we think) two separate people. One semi attractive country boy and a blonde country girl. We think they're separate but when we first saw them we weren't quite sure because his tongue was so damn far down her throat. We laughed it off. Then he did the ass grab. OH MY GOD! This is so far into PDA it's disgusting. So some people are watching, but generally laughing at the whore-ishness of it all. We're having a good time....and they quite obviously are too. They decide to move though and go one hundred and eighty degrees to the other side of us where he can sit on a bench against the wall and she can stand in front of him. They continue their Tonsil Hockey match. Some of our better spies keep watch. His hand goes up the back of her shirt, looking very much like he was trying to get her bra off. Then it went up the front of her shirt. Hello, that's not meant to be displayed in public. Then, apparently while I wasn't looking, he went DOWN THE FRONT OF HER PANTS! They were all but having sex in front of the entire club. I mena, I was ready to take bets to see how long it was gonna be before they stripped buck nekkid and just screwed the lights out of each other. They finally came up for air (seriously, I don't think they had yet) and EXCHANGE NUMBERS! We're floored and laughing. So I leave for a minute and go to the bathroom and when I return I get the update from a rookie. Apparently they finished their make out session while I was gone (no sex) and returned to the original table. No one was quite sure, but they're pretty sure the woman sitting at the table was the GIRL'S MOTHER! Mother, Aunt, older neighbor...it doesn't freakin' matter.....the chick was practically screwing this guy in the corner and there was a matronly figure with her! Jesus Christ! So why are we referring to them as Train Wreck? Because as my brother would say, the whole event was "horrible, terrible and ugly. But, like a train wreck, you are compelled to look." So we stick around until two thirty AM. The club doesn't close until Three. Some of our girls get asked to dance, and we make fun of them, lonely bitches that the rest of us are. Then we go to Awful Waffle. While there we see some people from the club, including one hottie and his uncle. Apparently this kid is gonna be Brownie's future husband. So anyway, we drive the two hours back to campus which puts my happy ass into bed at roughly five thirty. Now, yes, I told Brian I'd call him, but I was tired and had no energy (sorry Brian). So I wake up four hours later to study for a test that I had. Ooops...yeah, school's a bitch.

The test was easy, and so was my next class. Then I went back to my room and couldn't sleep. Even if I wanted to. So I stayed up. Then went to dinner, went back to my room and chilled for a while. By Ten o'clock my eyes were heavy and by eleven I was in bed passed out. I slept until nine the next morning....best sleep of my life. So anyway, Saturday dawns and I go get breakfast. Today is Maze Day. The day where four of us trek up to Indiana to go to an absolutely BITCHIN' party. So we get ready. Now, Ali and I have made shirts for the occasion that say "TKB Drinking Team" which everyone knows represents the imaginary frat/sorority Tappa Kegga Beer. We are proud of our shirts, but we look like the fucking Bobsey Twins. Tough noogies. So we finally get to Indiana, eat dinner and go to the frat house. And boy let me tell you what.....

First we'll talk about the Frat. They are called Triangle. They are an engineering fraternity out of Rose Hulman University in Terre Haute Indiana. They are KNOWN for this party. Now I went last year and had a blast, so this year was a definate repeat venture. The whole point of Maze is that they build a ginormous maze in the common room of the frat with nothing but cardboard and duct tape. This thing is sturdy enough to support the weight of the brothers walking on top of it. It is a marvel. There are even 'secret rooms' inside the maze where brothers can take lady victims. It's interesting. They build a tunnel out of stacked cardboard to get into the house and also a cardboard/ziptie wall around the house to keep other frat boys out. Boys not belonging to the frat have to be on a list and pay to get in, girls get in free...well, duh. So anyway, this year we go up and get in the house and start drinking. Budweiser was the sponsor so we were drinking Busch Light. Wow....cheap beer.

I hadn't started drinking yet (the beer hadn't yet been set up) and didn't feel like slugging down Mojitos cuz they were nasty. Anyway we get the offer to do whiskey shots. Now I'm definately a whiskey girl and go to do the shots with everyone else. It was shit whiskey. S-H-I-T SHIT WHISKEY. THe stuff that's just nasty going down....and we did double shots. Yuck. shots being done, I need a beer to chase it. So we head out. Everyone else in our group is drinking wine coolers, I'm sluggin back beer. yippee me. So we wander, but we aren't really socializing much. Everytime we try, guys seem sort of leary. One guy takes a mondo interest in Emily. No one else seems interested in the rest of us. Kylen is a real conversationalist and is chatting a bunch of people up, and Ali and I are just drinking. So we go through the maze a few times, meet a few cuties it was all good. Anyway, the following ovservations were made.

1.) Kylen gets this one all to herself. Here's a very accurate description of the guys at the party...

"half the guys have their hats all on sideways and their collars popped and they think they're all cool and shit and the other half are like "Hey, I got this outfit at the goodwill" and are all like "I'm so cool....look at me!""

This is true. Standard attire for the night would seem to be, jeans and tees if you were from the frat, Jeans and button downs if you weren't or you had a hat on sideways and your collar popped. Or if you were from the frat and a dork, you were wearing nasty colored pants, tweed jackets, mismatched button down shirts and six-year-olds ties. Not classy in the least.

2.) Girls are whores. It's thirty degrees out and they're showing up with a yard of fabric covering their bodies. I swear this one girl had less than a quarter yard of white fabric wrapped around her hips and was trying to pass it off as a skirt. Oh my god, go get some decency. Most were wearing club shirts or tank tops....and then mini skirts and heels. I wore heels....but I was wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt. So were the rest of my group...come on. These girls couldn't hold liquor either...they were hanging on people and grinding on guys and....oh it was a terrible display of femininity.

3.) So we're standing around, minding our own business when a total hottie catches my eye. Probably wouldn't have ordinarily except that I had to look up to see him. Now ladies, let me tell you he really was a cutie. Dark hair, narrow features, cute eyes.....SUPER CUTE smile. But the mother fucker was tall. I'm a tall girl at 5'9....I hit roughly 5'11 in heels when I stand up straight....he was WAY taller than I was. So Emily tries to start a conversation cuz I'm too shy to. She can't even hear him and he's gotta bend way down to talk to her. My interest is piqued, I want to know how tall he is. So we wait around and later I see him. I finally get enough courage to tug on his sleeve and ask the question that's been gnawing at me since I've seen him...."How tall are you?" Well, that wasn't the only question, I must admit, but that's the only one that I had balls enough to ask. He grins and says "Six Nine." Six foot nine. Six foot fuckin' Nine. He's a whole feakin' foot taller than I am. Oh my god. I think I just died. Oh, and ladies, he was ALL LEG.

4.) So Ali and I are anti-social. Big freakin' deal. I don't care enough to start a conversation. So this guy staggers up to Ali and I and the first words out of his mouth are "Are you girls cops?" Granted, we were wearign matching dark blue shirts, so I'll give him the cop guess, but the two of us are holding onto Beers.....yeah, cops are really gonna stand there swigging beers. So we tell him no, but that doesn't convince him. He then asks if we've been through the maze and if we know how to get through to the other side. Of course we do, so we escort him through and he says he'll be back to talk to us later. His name is Jimmie, and Jimmie is of course drunk.

5.) So the party is dragging on and everyone is getting drunker. Except for me. I'm not feeling much of anything. Emily is still talking to Chris (guy in bad tweed jacket, bright green pants and a six year olds tie.) and she sends chris's buddy over to talk to me. Chris's buddy is a shady mother fucker, but that's ok. He starts talking to me. He likes my shirt. He says he wants a TKB shirt...."Will you trade me?" I say, sure. He's surprised. So he gets me upstairs and finds me a shirt to trade. Now I really wanted a shirt that said Triangle or Maze on it, but he was gonna give me one that said something about mud volleyball.....no thanks. that's not a fair trade for an original Nee Nee and Ali Design. There are only two TKB shirts in existence and they were both at this party. So he digs through this guys closet...not even his or his brothers, and starts scrounging for a suitable trade. Now, he can't give me a triangle shirt because he's not a triangle, but he eventually finds one that says Rose Hulman on it. This is suitable for trade. So I strip out of my TKB shirt and put on my brand new Rose Hulman Shirt. I go back downstairs. Now the whole exchange took roughly ten minutes (the rest of the group swears it was closer to twenty) so you know what they were thinking was going on. ANyway they give me hell about it when I get back downstairs. By this time, the party has ended and it's time for us to go home.

Now, we can't leave yet cuz we're supposed to bring Emily's brother Jimmie home. Ali is relaying to me the fact that the other Jimmie (the one who thought we were cops) is STILL convinced that we're cops and no amount of convincing will get him to believe otherwise. He said he wanted to go camping with us and get drunk, but he never took our numbers and never gave us his, so I guess he's shit out of luck for that idea. This other guy, named Andy walks up to us and starts a conversation. Now, I'm not convinced 'Andy' is this kids real name. I'm thinking more along the lind of Adams....as in Grizzly Adams. This kid is short (well, who isn't when Mr. 6'9 is still bouncing through your brain) barrel chested and has a thick beard and long scraggly hair. It's nuts! Anyway, he starts talking to me because I look like I'm an easy going person and that he can talk to me because he doesn't just talk to anyone, because some people are uptight ass holes, but I don't look like one of those types, I look like I'm real easy going. I say, most of the time. Something gets brought up about rugby. I'm not drunk enough to be dealing with this kid. I'm in Bitch mode. So he's all like "DUDE! You play rugby! That's fucking awesome! You Rock! Someday, you're gonna be my wife....not anytime soon of course....but someday." And he walks away. We finally see Jimmie, but he's going upstairs to the rest of the frat house. He's gone where we cannot follow. So we hop in our car and speed away.

Now on the way home I drunk dial Brian. But he doesn't answer his phone so I can't talk to him drunk. The one time I try to call him and the bastard doesn't pick up. Thanks Brian.....

Then we drunk dial Jesse. Jesse is supposed to be doing Re-con for us. He's failing at operation To be or not to be and Ali and I are drunk so we're calling him. HE won't pick up HIS phone. Honestly, who would at two-thirty in the morning? So then I call JT. JT answers. JT and I talk for some time. We've arrived at the apartment and I'm standing outside talking to JT. By the time I hang up and go back inside, Kylen is puking. The show is over, but she's decided it's time to pass out and pass out she does....HARD. A nuclear bomb could have detonated beside her head and this girl would not have moved and inch. Jimmie and Ben come in...someone went back to the frat house to rescue them. So Jimmie, Ben, Emily, and Ali and I decide to keep drinking. Two beers later Ben is passed out on the floor and we draw on his back.....yes, we're viscious maniacal bitches, but we love it. For some reason, we start thinking about the Charlie Daniels song "Devil went Down to Georgia" and trying to figure out what the lyrics are....totally drunk. We cannot think of two verses to string together properly....it's bad. We decide we are very drunk and should probably get some sleep. Time? 4:00 AM.

So the next morning we wake up to hear Ben bitching about his back....ha ha ha....don't ever pass out around us again.....and then we all leave. Still thinking about the sugar plum thoughts that was Maze 2005.

Granted, Maze last year was much better than this year. There were more people last year and it just seemed like a better maze had been set up than was this year, but it was still a good party and definately an interesting weekend. Besides, who can say that they trade a home made t-shirt for one that doesn't even belong to the person they trade with? And who else can say they met someone who's six foot nine?

A good weekend is full of friends.....a great weekend is filled with stories that you can't tell your parents!

Just some Things Requiring Comment

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist ----Extra Commentary by Nee Nee who is obviously smarter than Dave cuz it only took me Nineteen years to figure some of this crap out.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. ---Why would you do that? I mean, hello? Must have been a guy that did it.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." ---Think about it. You go and everyone talks and nothing gets done. You do the same thing every day and the progression is so mind bogglingly slow it drives men to tears.

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." --Just so you know, I cross that line daily. SOmetimes more than Daily. Cross the line!

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. ---This is VERY true. Have you ever noticed that the more you try to convince a religious fanatic that you've got views you're happy with, the louder and more heated they get? They keep trying to tell me my soul is in danger and that I should "accept the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior." I keep telling them that we're all going to Hell and I'm driving the Bus. Ali is in charge of the Hotel, and we've got two social co-ordinators, a bouncer and at least three other security guards. It's BYOB. We're throwing one big mother fucking kegger when we all get there.... My new one liner (especially considering the season) came from a guy named Nick. He says "He's giving up Jesus for Lent." I think I'll join him.....yeah....I'm soooo going to hell.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life. ---Thou shalt have fun and enjoy it damn it! Money and working until you die is not the be all to end all. That's why I'm a Park and Rec Major.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. ---This is not true. I CARE if I can't dance well. I do not want to be 'that girl' with the big ass and absolutely no rythm. You know the one that everyone goes home and talks about....oh, you know you do it, so don't even try to play sweet and innocent.

7. Never lick a steak knife. ---Well, you can, but you have to smart about it. I eat off steak knives. Men, you must be smarter than the cutlery!

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. ---True. I've threatened to take a man's balls because of Gossip. I've got bodies hidden because people couldn't keep their mouths shut. You have been warned.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. ---why do we observe Day light savings time? The only good thing about it is that if you do it right, you can get an extra hour of partying in. And when you lose an hour? Well, you party an extra hour anyway, extra hard.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. ---And if you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment, why the hell are you just standing there and not calling 911!?!?!?!?!?!

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. --Hell No! It may stop at age 11, but it picks up again at age 21. Trust me, you will have people lined up around the block the day you turn 21 because people want to get you drunk.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. ---I am! I am an excellent driver. If I wasn't, then I wouldn't be able to pull into a parallel parking slot on the opposite side of the street doing a 180 and sliding in without scratching my car or any other vehicle in a twelve mile radius. Boo-ya!

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) ---The most important person in any establishment is the one who cleans the bathrooms. If you're rude to a waiter, you should be shot. Don't be an ass, pay for a twelve dollar meal with a hundred dollar bill and leave a sixty seven cent tip. Jack ass!

14. Your friends love you anyway. --- Even if you puke on their shoes, are loud, drunk and obnoxious, stupid, socially deficient...your true friends will still love you anyway. If they REALLY love you, they'll bail your ass out of jail.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. --- This is one I never considered. Wow. You know...maybe that means I should go into brain surgery as of ten minutes ago.......Nah.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. ---And even then they aren't acceptable. Guys suck. They all have flaws and no matter how hard you stomp the crap out of them they will still be dumb as fuck and have one flaw.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. ---Well if that isn't a disturbing thought, I don't know what is. Can you imagine? Woman with Alzheimer's--"Hey, who are you? Oh....where did I get these? I bought them? How much did they cost me? WHAT!?!?!?!?! Send them back! SEnd them back!" Man with Alzheimer's "Hey......what am I supposed to do with this? With who? All these big titted bimbos are old. What?!?!?!?! I'm old! Well what AM I supposed to do with THIS!"

Well, here's your commentary for the day. Just thought I'd share thoughts.

Singles Awareness Day

Well, February fourteenth is right around the corner and we all know what that means.

Time to get the trash cans cuz I'm gonna puke.

I HATE Valentines Day. Call me bitter and old, but I really do hate it. I didn't always used to be this way either....oh no. I used to be one of those dorky kids who wore red, and wore tights with little red hearts on them and had valentines for all the kids in my class....even Ray who I hated with all of my heart. I wasn't bitter back then. You may not believe it, but I used to be quiet, shy, reserved and friendly....some might even say I was cute. Even the memory of losing a baby tooth on a red, heart shaped jell-o jiggler wasn't enough to make Valentine's Day evil. Now it's enough to send me to therapy.....the things we learn with age.

Anyway, I think I really started hating Valentines Day in Middle School. There were the candy grams and the big Valentines Day Dances in the gym. When I was in seventh grade we had our first instance of "Fuck this Shit" and decided to go out as a group of girls and see a movie. Of course, we just HAD to go see Titanic. My friend Bridget cried her eyes out and every kleenex and Chic-Fil-A napkin I threw her way came right back at me. Yes, we were truly disgusting middle school kids.

In High School I ignored the candy grams and the flowers. It was harder, however, to ignore the big balloons and the "I love you" Teddy Bears and shit kids would give their significant others. Gag me with a spoon, for the love of god get over yourselves! It's High School! Big Deal! And best of all was when a week later that couple had broken up and moved on. That was enough to make my day.

And then my Senior Year of High School I was blessed with knowledge. Profound knowledge I might tell you. I was turned on to the joys and beauty of Single's Awareness Day. I proclaim the Patron Saint of Singles Awareness Day unto you all, I give thee Sara Bram. Yes, Sara went about her classes spreading the joys and awareness of Singles. With a little red heart shaped badge of courage we proudly proclaimed that we were Single, the letters S.A.D scrawled neatly across it. I still have my first S.A.D badge......It's taped to the back of my bed room door.

Ah yes, Singles Awareness Day was a smash for us. We still got cookies and had to stare at all these moon eyed high school dorks, but it was soooo worth it knowing that we had a holiday of our own to celebrate and that in two weeks, we wouldn't have to be hanging on to someone new.

It was also compounded with my brother's view on Valentines Day. The kid is a real player, he loves women. However, he just can't seem to keep one. So, the single and frustrated young man was annoyed when his less than mature History class suggested having a Valentines day party, complete with cookies, cupcakes and little candy hearts (barf!) When asked what they'd bring, many boys said "Uhh...a bag of chips or a two liter from 7-11" It was easy to pick up since 7-11 is right across the street from campus. My brother says "I'd like to do a power point on the history of Valentines Day." My brother is about as sick and twisted as they come (except for me of course) and his mind was wandering straight towards murder. I mean, St. Valentine was a martyr and all.....there's the St. Valentines Day massacre, Romeo and Juliet died for love....I mean, the kid really wanted to show the darker side of VD. So with the student teacher's blessing my brother disappeared into the abyss that was cyberspace. Yes, Matt descended into a realm of blackness. He did more work for this power point that wasn't going to be for a grade, than he did on any other project the rest of his high school career. He found photos, information, crime scene reports....popped it into a power point and convinced me to bring my laptop to school so that the animation would work properly. So, two of my friends and I infiltrate the sophomore class room and set up my computer. Matt puts in the disk and we enjoy the fact that virtually everyone in the room turns green. Yes, Matt did his power point on the St. Valentines Day massacre, complete with a detailed description of how each of the men died and in what condition their faces were when they were found. Matt even went so far as to close with a Valentine from Al Capone. The teacher never let him do a power point again.

So you see, I'm not the only one in my family to have issues with Valentines Day.

Of course, I brought the idea of Singles Awareness Day to College with me. Just a warning, Valentines Day is far worse in college than it is in High School. People are carrying big bouquets of flowers around, there's the 'Will you Marry Me?' ads in the paper, the roses for sale on the plaza to help support a frat. I spouted my Singles Awareness Day Bullshit to all who would hear. Most people had boy friends. Kim had one, but he dumped her right before Valentines Day, making her my first proud convert to S.A.D. We watched movies, we wandered campus. It was fun.

We were pathetic.

Now that I have my blog, I can spout my Singles Awareness Day rhetoric to the world. Kim went back to VD, she's got a steady boy friend (gag) and my newest consort in crime and I have many issues to present to the rest of you.

When you wander around, spreading your love and cheer and defacing the very essence that is eros, you make us singles feel like shit. Yeah, we're alone, but we enjoy it that way. We are free! Free! Do you hear me?!? We enjoy being single and do not want you to rub it in our faces that you have men in your lives and we don't. We don't need to see you making out with someone, or see him buy you a dozen roses. We don't need to go into Wal-Mart and deal with the bombardment of those happy little hearts and horrible red candy (unless of course it's three bags for a dollar and then we can suck it up). Honestly, we are soooo tired of Valentines Day. So please keep your VD to yourself and we'll remain S.A.D.

Celebrate Singles Awareness Day This February Fourteenth....you'll be glad you did!

Sad News

Ladies, I'm here to break some very sad news to you. I'm here to tell you that the 'perfect man,' the Brad Pitts and Johnny Depps, the James Deans and Heath Ledgers of this world do not exist. They are figments of our imagination....the perfect man doesn't exist.

Now don't tell me I'm full of shit because I've been doing my research. I've been running around and covertly infiltrating the enemy camps, after all I am single (hint hint hint).

All guys have flaws.

PRETTY BOYS

Ah, the pretty boys. Eye candy, Beef Cake....whatever you want to call them, you know the type. Beautiful, well muscled, and dreamy. Ladies, they're pretty to look at but there's NOTHING THERE! In that lump that sits on their shoulders is an empty void that rivals the biggest black hole in space. Beneath that oh so sexy coif of hair is an empty space incapable of being filled with intelligence. The reason for this is that they've been told they're pretty, therefore they have no need to be smart, because they will be able to coast through life on nice eyes, a tight ass and a great smile.

You know a pretty boy with brains? Well, let me tell you, he's got a flaw too. He either has some sort of nervous tick, spends HOURS in front of the fricken mirror to get that oh so sexy look, or perhaps is not so.....blessed downstairs. Don't give me any crap, I'm just saying what you're all thinking.

SMART BOYS

We have all been dreaming of Prince Charming since viewing our first Disney Movie. For you it may have been Prince Eric, with his full head of beautiful black hair and his dreamy gray eyes. For me, it Was Prince Philip, Brown hair, brown eyes and oh so brave on his trusty steed Samson. Yes, we want a man with some looks. Nine times out of ten the 'smart boys' have no looks. They are pekid and a little under-nourished. You'd think lifting those text books would give them at least a little bit of muscle, but it doesn't. They have horrible B.O and if they don't have B.O then all they can talk about is science, math, physics, space and psychology. I don't want a psych eval.....nor do I want to know how fast my car is going when it hits the brick wall.

STALKERS

OK, so we all know the guy. He seems nice, he's slightly sociable, decent to look at. You'd think, 'hey, this is fantastic.....see, not all guys have flaws." Well, ladies, HE'S A FUCKING STALKER! He will not stop calling you, he will not let you have a minute on your own. He will constantly want to come over, or call you. He will wonder where you're going, why you're going there and who you're going with. Stalker boys are the worst sort. Even if they're the prettiest thing to look at on earth, it's always best to view from the fifteen feet mentioned in the restraining order.

THE SENSITIVE TYPE

Oh my God....there are few things worse than an overly sensitive guy. I mean, yeah, you want one who's going to be sensitive to your needs, who's going to 'be there' when you need him. But I want a man! I don't want someone who's going to cry because the kitty kat on TV got stuck under the fire truck. I want him to step up and take over, be brave!

MARRIED

OK, so this is cliche to the Alanis Morissette song, but you meet the man of your dreams and then his beautiful wife. Dang it! This guy is allowed to be as perfect as anything fiction can dream up....HIS WIFE HAS BEAT ALL THE FLAWS OUT OF HIM!!!!!!!!! His woman has dealt with all the flaws and honed and fixed them. Even if he does still have some flaw (so he leaves the seat up, big deal) it doesn't matter because he's off the market. Go ahead and look ladies, but don't touch.

RICH BOYS

Rich boys think that because they have money you will sleep with them. They think that because they drive a fast car you will go with them, that if they can buy you pretty things, that you will sleep with them. You may think "Hey, I'll be secure financially!" but no. Rich boys only think with the head between their legs. It leads them around and when they find someone dumb enough to actually believe that money is the be all to end all they screw them and leave. Don't go for the rich boys....if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a wealthy man your hubby.

JOCKS

OK, so we all know the type. Big, well muscled, jockey. STUPID! Hello. These guys are so ripped on steroids that they are dumber than shit. They take all these steroids, lift a thousand pounds a day and then wonder why in ten years when they're "in their prime" they can't get laid. These guys are possibly the DUMBEST thing on two legs. Don't go for Jocks.....they may look big now, but in the dark....let's just say there are a few things no amount of steroids can help.

GAY MEN

OK, there's a man...he's got a nice tush, he's handsome, he's sensitive and he's a good dresser and he's got class. What's that! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's GAY?!? Why God? Why must you make the perfect men Gay? WHY???????

DIRTY OLD MEN

So there's this guy, and he's TOTALLY flirting with you. You're nineteen....he's thirty four. WHAT? What is it with these pin head old guys that they think they can shack up with nineteen year olds. Quit being creepy assed old dudes and get a girl your own age. If you can't even get a woman in your own age bracket it means there's a problem some where. If you have to woo girls half your age, you belong in jail.

Well there it is. I know there are other flaws, like he's a stoner, a drunk, an abusive son of a bitch, a user, a liar a cheat. Whatever.....Ladies no matter how 'perfect' a guy is, he isn't. He probably picks his nose and eats it when he thinks you aren't looking, or maybe he listens to Britney Spears (that whore!) while he's driving to work. Or maybe he's just not well endowed (which I know isn't everything, but it's nice sometimes). Regardless, there will be an imperfection.

Don't say I didn't warn you!

Why? Oh Why, must we talk about this at dinner?

Ladies and gentlemen of cyberspace, I require your attention. I am curious...I have been pondering.....I've been snooping.

I was sitting in our wonderful cafeteria eating my lunch today when a girl comes swinging by me and relates to her sorostitute friends how she's got a guy who's fallen madly in love with her. I ignore much of the conversation until this little snippet permeates my mental wall...

"Did you make out?"

"Was he good Kisser?"

"Was he any good in bed?"

Excuse me? This is enough for me to nearly snort lettuce from my left nostril. I regain composure and look over my shoulder. They are sitting there, looking tan and blonde and stupid and asking someone to relate to them the sexual escapades of the night before. Is this really necessary? I mean, go have a pajama party with a few bottles of Boone's Farm or at least a box or two of wine and six or seven pizza's. THEN tell your girlfriends about you sexlife. I don't need to hear it in the public school cafeteria. And I thought that was shit that guys did.....

Well, I was right, because three tables away from the Gossippy Sorority whores was a table of Frat boys (are we seeing a pattern?). I walk past their table to take my tray up to the dishwashing conveyor when the words "Well, I mean, you have to masturbate to something, it might as well be..."

GAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the fuck? Is it sex talk day in upstairs Powell? What is in the water at this place? Does it make EVERYONE and their cousin horny? In Kentucky this could be dangerous...no wonder the entire state of Kentucky is genetically disabled, they've got something in the water that's making everyone horny.

I've got to go up there prior to a big test today and I am not looking forward to the conversations I'll overhear. I mean, I've heard everything from Masturbating to Tetris (Which I'm STILL trying to figure out the physics behind that one.....), Making out with someone, Who's got the biggest penis, who's got the tightest (ahem) and where to go to get the best sex toys. I'm SINGLE!!!!!! I'm HAPPY!!!!! It does not make me happy to have to eat my dinner with these conversational snippets. Nor does it make me happy when my friends converse with one another about their yearly trips to the OB/GYN, the explicit details of the occurances on those trips (let's just say it's scared me sufficiently enough that I am not only terrified to go to an OB/GYN but am NEVER having kids....do you hear me? NEVER!) , what the doctors stick where, especially when the Doctors have NOOOO business being there in the first place thank you very much.

Now, I'm no stranger to the joys of nasty dinner conversations....when I was in middle school and my family sponsored cadets from the Air Force Academy, one of them would strike up the strangest conversations. Mostly about fecal matter and farting. But the coup de gras was the conversation he had about, of all things, whale poop. He was wondering why, at Sea World, you never see whale turds floating in the tops of the tanks. You never see Shamu taking a shamu sized crap in the bottom and Shamu certainly has never been made to flush for an audience of thousands. Let's just say my mother had long since snorted potatoes out her nose and my father was getting ready to commit murder. This kid just kept going and going, pointing out further that you'll never be on a boat and see a massive turd float by the boat, nor have a biologist analyze said shit, and tell you from what whale it comes from. My father finally made the infamous father comment and told the kid "Go look it up, it's probably just massive filters or something...." my mother's reation "Maybe you should e-mail Sea World. I'm sure they'd be willing to tell you. Now don't do that to your potatoes...." Well, on a following weekend (the animals are only permitted to leave their cages on weekends mind you) He informed us that he had indeed e-mailed Sea World and actually gotten a response. The answer to the 'whale poop' question had been answered. (I'm going to relay it to you, you'll never sit in the splash zone again). Apparently with all the water whales consume in their day to day habits, there is not enough solid mass to produce solid fecal matter. That's right kiddies, when you sit in that splash zone at sea world you are more than likely getting coated in the invisible whale turds....because there aren't any turds....just whale diarrhea! Sea World says they use big filters and stuff, but honestly, if Shamu has the urge to crap during a show, who's gonna stop a ten ton whale from taking a dump right there in front of everyone.....Personally, I'm not even sure I'd set foot in the ocean with that info....The World's Oceans, or the biggest toilet ever!

The latest piece of conversation to pop up at the dinner table is from my friend Christie. Christie wants to be a nurse. She will be a very good nurse if she ever obtains this goal.... Her classes are difficult. Who am I kidding, they're ridiculously fucking hard and no one should study the way she does....she'll implode if she doesn't watch it. So anyway, (I love you Chrisite) she's talking at dinner one night and is suddenly telling us about how excited she is because she gets to do an anal swab in her micro-biology class. You're all lucky I can spell Biology...but she's EXCITED! She actually wants to stick a swab up her ass yank it out, and grow ecoli bacteria. She informs us that she has yet to shower because she wants to be good and dirty in order to grow a lot of bacteria (there's a great line to be delivered here, but I won't say it because it's too easy).

Why, oh why, must this be dinner conversation? Can't we talk about the weather? The Hottie from gym class? Why our dorms suck? Why must we speak of the NASTIEST things while we are trying to gain sustenance?

This is the life of a college student....coming up with the nastiest, filthiest and most vile conversations in christendom and having them at the supper table. So please, next time you feel like having a conversation about fecal matter, sex, masturbation or your weekly doctor visits, PLEASE consider those around you.

This has been your public service announcement for the week of February 4th, 2005.

Have a nice day!

The Future of America!

Well, they are men in uniform. Women lust after them, pine for them....they are sexy....My friends wonder why I have no interest in most of them.

Besides the fact that I was raised in an atmosphere full of them, this may help to bring some insight into their dull world...

http://www.ejbdotcom.net/index.php?do=thevideos&video=everybodydance.wmv

The kid can move....I'll give him that much....

In the Beginning.....

In the beginning there were men. Then there was a rather large explosion and they all became mindless ass holes, thinking with the head between their legs and not the one on their shoulders. This is a bad thing.

Fast Forward Thousands of Years.....It is the year 2003. Two young women and their chaperones are traveling to Canada with their fellow Boy Scouts. Yes, there are women boy scouts, so keep reading. We have stopped in Fargo, North Dakota because the men folk are hungry (they always are, aren't they?) They are craving worse than a pregnant woman....They want TOXIC HELL (Taco Bell).

So we have congregated in said Taco Bell and the men folk are stuffing their faces with insane amounts of nuked tacos. Except for one. World, I give you Chris B. He is young and naive and has not yet figured out what 'that look' means. The universal look that says "Would you please go away, your speaking is getting on my nerves." And so he continued his incessant ramblings.

Tasha is irked. Tasha looks around for inspiration, a weapon, a sedative. Inspiration strikes.

"If you don't shut up, we're going to castrate you with this plastic spork."

An philosophy is born....Chris shuts up.

We find that this is a good threat. Chris is terrified that we will take his balls with our wonderful plastic implements of death. We use this on Chris for the rest of our two week trip and well into the next few years.

Fast forward.

It is Fall of 2003 and I am at school. A particular member of the male population has fucked up (again) and I get pissed off. I'm so angry I can barely speak, and inevitably end up grunting out "I'll fucking Castrate him with a plastic spork." The threat has carried and spread.

Fall 2004 comes around and several men are on the plastic spork list. They are blissfully unaware of their status. Some have heard of it....Many are scared.

And so it is now 2005 and a paper list has been compiled.

Be Afraid.....Be Very Afraid.....

Spork List

Chris B.--- You are the original spork-ey. You have created a phenom....Congratulations.

Kyle---Of LPA fame, you are on here for not knowing proper cell phone use and only wanting sex when you ever did figure out how to use it.

Fucktard #1---- Robert, you are on here because you are mentally deficient, arrogant and a general fucktard. You are the original....

Fucktard #2---- Chris F., you brought plastic sporking to KY. Because you kissed a friend, led her to believe that you wanted to date her and then didn't. You led her on and you did it just to be cool with your frat boy buddies. You are sooo not cool.

Fucktard #3---- Isaac, for using and abusing scared alcoholic young women and being a compulsive liar. No one likes you, good bye.

Derrick--- You are a fucktard as well. You are a cheating inbred moron. You slept with a friend and broke her heart. Be thankful that she got over your ass but there is nothing that you can do to get off this list. Burn in Hell.....wait...never mind, I don't want you at my party.

Joe--- You are the epitome of ass hole. You dumped a girl right before Valentine's day. What the fuck? If you didn't' want to buy her a gift, you could have just said so. What a sleezeball.

Alex--- You know who you are. The plastic spork vigilante's have told you to watch your back. You not only tried to rape a girl, but TWO girls. And then when you actually try to date someone you fuck it up by cheating on her in full view of some of her friends. You were not covert about it. You are a total fuck up. Learn to treat women properly and I'll consider taking you off the list.

Ray--- You smoke too much weed my friend and it interferes with your mental capacity. You attempted to steal another man's girl-friend, a man who was your friend. And you stared at my chest and made no attempt to hide it! Don't talk to girls tits, talk to our faces!

Brent C.--- You only ever called to say that you couldn't do something. You not only did it once, but TWICE. Do you think that women are inherently stupid? And you used a drunk girl, you're horrible.

Justin W.---- Stop bathing in cologne and just take a shower. No man should have that much cologne......No woman owns that much bath spray, perfume, etc. You have potential to get off the list....But you must work hard at smelling less like a brothel and more like a man.

Andy--- For being a nasty perve and for talking while someone is trying to make out with you. Don't bring up the names of other men while someone is lying in your arms flinging themselves wantonly at you. Dude, do you need a neon sign or something?

Kris--- For being a sick, sick, sick, fuck and a cheating bastard.

Sadik---For being a general ass hole...This is not a 'punk'....This is the real deal.
Your friends are also included in this.

Jerrod P---You have offended far too many women. You would hit on anything with two legs and tits, even if it were dead. You are also on this list because you are culturally inept and socially retarded.

AJ--- Spiteful Son of a Bitch and a man whore. You tried to frame our friend you rat bastard! And you promised me moonshine and never ponied up....I say again, Bastard!

Sean--- You are a lying, cheating, weak, bucket head. You are a fink and a scoundrel and deserve to die a thousand deaths times four. You're a backstabbing Shithead....You don't know how to treat friends. I'd tell you to go to hell, but I don't want you at my party. Just an FYI, your ass is getting left at the bus stop....

Adam--Because you admitted to cheating on your girlfriend when you were drunk.

Spencer--- You are on here because you tried to hit on a friend, tried to 'snuggle' with me when you were drunk and then brought it up all the freakin' time. Even though you got your just rewards when it came right down to it, a minor kidney punch just doesn't seem to lessen my ultimate dislike for you. Bite me Spencer, and enjoy your time in the Army and on the Spork List.

Brandon--- Because you are creepy. Because you went to jail for mouthing off at a Police Officer and most of all because you tried to bribe bail money out of me. Forget it......you're also on here because a friend had a dream that you raped her. Let's just nip this in the bud and castrate you now....your womanizing days are over.

Brandon S.---If you pay attention (which obviously you don't) you'll note that you were on the probationary list. Now you aren't. I have a short attention span....I can't keep waiting for you to talk to me, or deal with you ignoring me while you are around your friends. You suck. And this rumor shit...well, that just has to stop too. By the way, I have more dirt on you than you could possibly know...and if the occaision does so arise, trust me when I say I will use it. You see...people really can be moved from list to list.

Chris of Maze fame--- You are on here because you were a drunk ass. You're from Minnesota and were at the Maze party. You were wearing the most hideous Green pants, yellow shirt, a tie that a six year old could wear with ease and the UGLIEST tweed jacket in christendom. You fell and then kissed my cheek. You kissed Emily's cheek repeatedly through out the night, were shady and kept disappearing on us and most of all because you grabbed Ali's ass in the maze. Dude, it's dark in there, and we all expect to get groped....but you don't have to do the ass grab and then deny it.

Heller---You're on here because you tried to trade me a lame ass shirt for my hand made TKB one. You suck. You're also shady and were waring those stupid glasses. And what was up with that scruffy leprechaun beard? Gross.....You were also hanging out with chris and only talked to me becaue Emily told you to. You never told anyone your real name....Is it Dave? Or is Dave your brother? We're not sure, you only told like, twenty people seventeen different names. You're weird....but thanks for the shirt!....even if it wasn't yours....

Mac--- Basically because you're a sick perverted freak. You say shit without thinking and I'm not sure whether you're over sexed or undersexed. Stay away from my friends.....Stop hitting on them, stop talking about their asses, chests body size etc. I don't want to hear it.

Ben J.--- In the Dutchess of Bitch's own words "DOUCHEBAG, SMARMY CHACH, asshole, arrogant, cocky bastard." I can't do much better than that....However, you're also known to flirt with anything with legs, tits, and a heartbeat, and only associate with sorostitutes....dude, they have diseases! Anyway, you're also on here because you're a "sigma nu frat bastard" and apparently you have no social tact because you opened a door, hit a girl in the face and said "get out of my way." The proper response in that situation is "Oh, I'm sorry, are you alright?" You also have been known to say "I am Considering
my position at this school and who I am and how I look, I could have any girl here I wanted." Umm...NOT IF YOU HIT THEM IN THE FACE WITH DOORS ASSWIPE!

God, I hate stupid people.....

Probationary--- You are very close indeed to being moved to the spork list...Watch your step.

Mike S.--- You are a very good actor my friend, very good. But someday it is going to get you in trouble. You know why you are on this list.....Besides, you look stupid in an un-tucked shirt and a tie. Are you sure it's not a clip on?

Brandon K.--- You are a drunk ass. You are foolish. You don't tell people that you're laying in a ditch somewhere when the 'ditch' is some girl's room three floors down.

Jesse--- For starting rumors you shit head. You were so drunk you couldn't even see straight....what the hell is your problem? Why would you say shit like that, honestly.

Ryan--- Hey country.....not that there's anything wrong with that, but you are one crazy drunk....you better watch yourself.

Bobby--- Rumor starting freak! You got 'a friend' in serious hot water. Some friend you are. You're also on here because you obviously don't have big enough balls to talk to a girl yourself. Maybe when you grow some bigger ones we can move you up the list. You suck.

Willl D. --- You are stupid. You run your lights for no apparent reason, you're stupid. You fail English and almost lose your precious truck. You are almost always ready to date a girl, except when you're screwing one on the side. You deserve to be on the Spork list, but you are attempting to redeem yourself. Someone we know has also been laying massive guilt trips on you. Don't fuck up.

Brian--- You are weird. Too weird....and when you're drunk, you're even weirder if possible. You also took matches from 'us.' 'Us' is not pleased with this. Besides, you know about the Plastic spork list (before it was made public). This is a threat to 'us'.

Jeremy W.--- You are on here because you are blind and mentally deficient.

JT----Because you look up Lesbian Porn. We will talk about this later.

Burns--- For 'trying stuff.' Let me tell you now that your days are numbered.

Hiro---You are socially retarded and mentally inept. You hit on anything that's moving and are similar in this act to Jerrod P. (see above). You need to re-evaluate your actions. You may be from a different country, but that's no excuse. And stop making girls take you places and laying guilt trips on them.

Kevin G.--- Shady assed Mother Fucker. You're hot......but Shady.....

Shahed---- because you had a bad fencing sketch, horribly over acted it and you are too touchey feely. Besides, you hit on people more than ten years your junior. Get a life and stop being a perve.

Collin---For being 100% douchebag and because 'amy' doesn't like you.

Luke--- you are annoying. You talk and talk and talk and never listen to anyone else. What a moron. Watch your step my friend....watch your step.

Jason--- of eighth floor fame. You are a nosy little shit. You also made like there was a secret involving a friend and a particular girl who has access to plastic implements of doom.

Adam--- For copping feels while at a Hockey Game. So you were drunk...this is no excuse.

Josh A.--- You didn't come through with the alcohol or meeting up at Blimpie's for food. YOu have two strikes against you. One more and you're bumped up to 'SPORKED'.

Jamie--- Because you belong on a list. You are Mike's Bitch and this is a problem. Basically you're on here because you're Jamie.....

Mike H.--- You haven't fucked up completely (yet). You still have a chance to do so. But with the rumor going around about being behind locked doors with a girl who isn't your girl friend, you are very close.

Elwood--- I'm putting you on probation. You get funny when you're drunk and you have far too many woman crawling all over you. And would you PLEASE go out and buy a razor already? Jesus Christ man, shave that scruffy assed beard off...it looks dirty! You're also on here because you kicked me in the knee....but I hit you back right away, so I guess that would technically make us even......

Mr. 6'9--- I do not know your name....only that you are tall and HOT! Basically I'm putting you on probation because you wouldn't conversate with anyone. You are hot.....I guess I should have known right away that your flaw would be that you're an ass. Oh well....I'll never forget you Mr. 6'9.

Nels--- I'm sticking you on probation. Simply for your actions last year. You wandered around the dorm showing off your stomach and that one night you ran around the fourth floor with your ass hanging out. Sorry bud, I didn't need to see that. Anyway, you're also on here because you made ME write that love note for 'trish' and you were too drunk to even knock on my door properly, so lets just forget about that. Oh, and you're also on here for lubing up the railings and door handles in the stairwell at Case. That's nasty.....

All Men--- Men, unless you find your name on the list below, you are getting your warning now. You have all made offenses and are all quite close to losing your procreating abilities. This is your warning.....

Mach the Chach---Well, you deserve to be sporked for your name, however, Tyler has made an appeal in your honor (misguided though it may be). The Dutchess of Bitch declares that you must be on probation for the following reasons......You wear pink shirts and pop the collars on said pink shirts. Not only do you pop collars, but you pop TWO collars at the same time. You have too much hair...especially if you can go from 3 inch spikes to corn rows. If you are a male, why do you carry a strawberry shortcake binder? Overall, you're on here for all of your "Douchebagged Chachiness" And because you're "really stupid."


The Unsporkable

Brian A.--- Ah, Mr. Snickers. You make me laugh. Besides, who else would I have 'meaningless sex' with and joke about the world coming to an end.

Brent--- If you were single there'd be a line of women lined up around the block twelve times to date you. You're funny when you're drunk and you are indeed a gentleman. We love you Brent.

Doc--- I'm not exactly sure why you made this list, but you apparently haven't pissed too many people off. Besides you make jokes about frat boys that could definately blow you away. However, you can't follow directions which is indeed a problem....learn to use a map my funny friend.

Mark G.--- Mark! You were there when the spork thing began...you can't be sporked....

Stefan--- Ah, Stefan, you actually would sit at a dinner table and ask people how their lives were going. This makes you unsporkable.

Travis--- Oh beautiful, sexy Travis. Why did you leave the country....?

Beau--- We like you. You're a sweetheart. Because you're Public Safety and not an asshole about it, we are putting you on this list. You hang out with us at five in the morning and look up alcoholic drinks. You also explain to us why "the long straight pieces aren't everything in this world".....Tetris and Sex....go figure.

Mike E--- Because you are treating my room mate decently. Because I call you hubby and because you call me Toxic Spill. Tinkerbell you aren't, but if you ever fuck up, you will be able to sing like her. Do not trifle with me..... or my Roomie!

Johnboyd--- Because you're you.....you aren't a sigma nu yet...

Nick--- You're nice, but watch it....you could move to probationary quickly.

Sonny----We like your hair. Your hair makes up for any transgressions you may have committed against the female race.

Conan O'Brien---Simply because Amy wants to be your sex slave and have your babies. Otherwise I see no redeeming qualities for you.

Mike A.---Because you are whipped. You treat a girl decently....I guess. This makes you unsporkable.

Keith--- You do know how to treat a girl properly. You're also over 21 and have offered us liquor if you're ever in town. So come to town! We'd love to see you!

Tyler--- Ah, Tyler....let me say that putting you on the unsporkable list is against my better judgement, but I'm doing it because I am not the only one compiling this list....I am merely the one with the creative genius enough to put it into terms poetic enough for the world to see. Let me warn you now---You can be moved to the spork list, and I will do it so fast it will make your head spin. And don't tempt me cuz I will do it. If you hurt Amy, you will find yourself rather quickly amongst your fellow Sigma Nu's on the spork list. You will have lost all reproductive abilities; there will be no little Sigma Nu's running around at EKU Reunions, there will be no "Mrs." Sigma Nu's. You will not get that option. I have more than enough places to hide the bodies.

This list was compiled by Ali, Renee, Amy, Emily, Christy and Kim. This list is subject to change at any moment. Do not toy with us or our emotions....

Snickers Sex

Well, it seems I've been a bit lacking in some of the things I've said, and while they're exceptionally funny to me, many of you do not understand.

The biggest place this has been a problem is in my numerous references to Snickers bars as being just slightly more than a quick fix. Oops...I did it again.

Let me start at the beginning.....

My friend Brian is my age (ok, so a few months older....bite me.) Anyway, while home from college this last summer we decided to go see a movie with another friend or ours. We all met at the theater and decided to see "The Day after tomorrow."

Well, it started out poorly and Brian starts making snide comments during the movie...mostly just loud enough for Erin and I to hear, but Erin turns beet red when this kind of thing happens so it was even funnier to have her turning red when no one could see.

Anyway, (spoiler approaching, don't read if you've never seen the movie or if you have any intentions of seeing it) there's this part where the entire city of New York is flooding and Emmy Rossum is hurt and they're all holed up in the New York Library. Anyway, there's been this EXTREME sexual tension between Jake and Gyllenhall and Emmy Rossum the entire movie and she's sort of hurt and he's the big bad hero and you just KNOW that he wants to screw her. But he settles for a little kiss (awww....how pathetic). Anyway, so Brian belts out rather loudly "Oh for Pete's sake, it's not like you're concerned about Birth control or anything, the freakin' world is coming to an end!" at this point I shush Brian, but I'm laughing too hard and Erin is of course turning red at the very mention of pre-marital sex. Brian's response, "Well, seriously now! If they're THAT concerned all they need is a Snickers Bar wrapper and a rubber band." A joke is born. People around us are laughing because though everyone was thinking it, Brian was the only one with the balls enough to say it (way to go Brian). Erin is about ready to spontaneously combust she's so red and trying not to laugh...I think I missed the next ten minutes of movie (not that it would have made the movie any better) because I had tears rolling down my face. Brian was sitting there with the smuggest grin in the world.

So, two days later we're all sitting at our scout meeting. You see, Brian Erin and I are all Venture Scouts. Co-Ed Boy Scouts....can anything be better? So we're sitting there and Erin wasn't paying attention to us so Brian makes reference to snickers bars and Erin starts to GLOW RED. I'm not kidding you, if the room had been dark, we would have needed sun glasses she turned so red. So Brian and I start laughing, without realizing that Mr. Erin's dad is sitting within ear shot. The words "Do I even want to know what this is about?" break our laughter. Erin's dad is a big dude....we don't really want to mess with Erin's dad. We laugh it off though and don't say much else, except when we're alone and have the joy of watching Erin turn red.

So anyway, we return to our respective schools and can honestly no longer even look at a snickers bar without laughing, much less the movie 'Day After Tomorrow'. So I'm being the studious little cuss that I am and have gone to class for the day. Upon my return, I find this message on my IM---

"I got hungry today and decided to have a snickers. Halfway through I realized what I was eating and missed my next 2 classes because I was questioning my sexuality. How was your day?"

Yep, that was Brian, re-itterating that Snickers bars and sex go hand in hand.

Then Christmas came and since our Venture Crew does a white elephant gift exchange, I was gonna get Brian a big case of Snickers. It would have been fantastic, except he had the same idea and was going to direct Erin to a present that contained a King Sized Snickers bar, just because she'd get the joke. Instead, the honor of the Snickers Bar befell me. I did not eat said snickers bar, oh no. I saved it. I carried it with me on the airplane....I brought it 1200 miles back to school....and for what purpose?

To mount it on my wall, with instructions and everything.

FOR EMERGENCY USE ONLY---The official "Day after Tomorrow Snickers Bar Shag" Instructions
1.) Open only one end of wrapper
2.) Hungry? Why Wait? Eat the Snickers bar you moron!
3.) Hurry....she's horny!
4.) Don't think too hard now....the world is coming to an end and the two of you are gonna get busy!

Brian gives me crap because currently the snickers bar has not been hung in the place of honor. It is instead sitting on top of my book case...which is at the head of my bed.....so Brian has been telling me 'easy access'.

Well Brian, our 'dirty little secret' is out. Now the world will know about snickers bars.

Honorable Mentions or More Things that Really Irritate the Fuck out of me

OK, so I got to thinking and I realized that there are so many more things that really irritate me. So here's a list of things that didn't make the first list, but probably should have.

PDA--Public Displays of Affection for those of you who don't know what the Acronym is. Jesus Christ, I know I'm an ugly hag, but do you HAVE to make out with your boy friend in public? That's what cars are for! THat's what dorm rooms are for! Get a hotel room already and just take care of business! Tonsil Hockey should be practiced in the privacy of your own room and even the chastest of pecks should be kept private. I HATE seeing men get all moony eyed over some slut that's cheating on him anyway. So go somewhere private and slip her some tongue....and leave us singles blissfully unaware of your amorous adventures.

Punctualness--I don't care if I'm making up words, damn it! My website is called 'crayonstastegood' so I'll make up as many words as I fucking want! Do not tell someone to meet you for a meeting that starts at a specific time and then show up yourself ten minutes after the start of aforesaid meeting. And what's more, do not tell them to meet you EARLY and be the same ten minutes late for the start of the meeting. It's rude. I have better things to waste my life on than to sit around waiting for your ass to go into a meeting I didn't want to go to in the first place. If you say you're gonna be somewhere, then by God, BE THERE!

TETRIS---It irritates me that when I need the long straight piece all I can get is that damn square. Or when I need one of the zig zaggy, s-shaped pieces, I get the one that goes the OTHER direction. Wow....now that I've written that, I realize that it could be interpreted sexually....well, you know what?....either way you want to read it, it applies!

............must play more TETRIS...........

THIS JUST IN!!!!

So apparently people find me funny and someone related tetris frustrations to a friend. Now I'm not sure whether or not he understood the sexual aspects or not.....but my partner and crime and I recorded the following conversation. He gave us the following information.....ladies, I present to you the brilliance of the masculine mind.....

MALE FRIEND: Don't be hating on the squares, because you know it's all about thickness that matters....you know....girth.
:::::::::Laughter from Ali and I:::::::::::::::::::
ME: Well, yeah, I mean (laughs) if there's a big hole then yes, sometimes you do want a square (laughs more at own joke). But I mean, when I'm sitting there playing tetris and all I've got is a long narrow gap and I need that straight piece (Ali and I both laugh) Then I mean the square is worthless.....
MALE FRIEND: Now, granted, it's harder to get into a smaller hole, but once it is, you're more likely to get things lined up....It's a tight fit, but it works out all right, doesn't it?
:::::Our laughter obliterates the rest of his message:::::::::

Ah, Sex through the eyes of Tetris....The Life of a College student never goes to waste.